Today....
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| Tue, 09-02-2003 - 11:17am |
I am trying to get moving today and do SOMETHING to get my mind off of the OM, and to stop blaming myself for taking too long to leave.. and being angry with him for not waiting. I guess I shouldn't have expected that he would just sit around waiting for me...but I thought he would at least leave the GF for me - since he said himself that I made him happy and she did not. BUT, I can't *will* this to happen... so I have to slowly ease myself into acceptance.
I did see him online this AM and IM'd him and just exchanged some pleasantries. He told me about his sailing regatta this weekend and I quickly said goodbye before I got too wrapped up in his conversation. I guess my next BIG step will be to remove him from my buddy list so I am not tempted to IM him when I see him online. LOL.. it a bizarre way, I guess I feel some 'power' that I might not be there for him when he is looking for someone to share conversation and debate the way of the world or other things we chatted about online and on the phone. I have always been there... I guess it is time for me to not be so available anymore...
Standing upright today...
Chloe

I too, am trying to walk away from my EMA. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. OM and I had a very emotional A. VERY emotional. He started distancing himself from me about a month and a half ago. He said he was very busy with his kids and football and cheerleading and all that. I believe him. He is going thru alot with the W right now and he shuts himself into a nutshell, and he shut me out. It hurts because he doenst even have the decency to say goodbye.
I took him off my im lists, so i wouldnt have to see him online...but what makes it hard is that his 11 year old daughter sees me on line and IM's me. (He and his W and kids were (WERE) friends with me and my H and our kids)Just to chit chat about her and school, cheerleading, etc. But it doesnt help my pain.
The pain doesnt go away, I hope someday it will. And I hope you have more courage than I do, to be able to move on...Im still hurting, still hoping for one last breif moment with him...one that may probably never happen in reality.
Good Luck. Be Strong.
Jeli
You sound very strong and determined, I
feel happy for you. I know what a bumpy
road it has been. Good luck to you!
hugs,
ditr
I know you are hurting too.. It isn't easy is it? I don't know if I can stay strong and really END it because I, too, love him so much. I believed that *HE* was *THE ONE* and that once I made the right decisions.. it would be a walk in the park and we would be together. Now I am faced with the fact that maybe he isn't the one, maybe he never was...
You and I, Jeli, we need to just take it a step at a time and know it will hurt. If it didn't hurt, then it would not be what you and I know it was -
Good Luck
Chloe
Chloe
Just wanted to add my support and hugs. You are going through a rough time. As long as you have clarity in your own mind, you will be in good shape. And we are here for you.
Does OM know you're "ending" it? Telling him might be a start... or at the very least trigger some kind of definition from him regarding what HE wants. If you're both having casual, friendly conversations... is he still in limbo?
Take care,
lily
Thanks for the post.
I am really confused about telling the OM about ending it... I am sure he is not at all clear that I am ending it ... the only conversation we had about any "ending" was me telling him that I would not be making the trip back out to his town to see him. That triggered the conversation we had - in bed - about how I felt like a FWB ( but I used the more *graphic* term) and he said he did not mean to imply that at all... of course.. the conversation basically wound up with me crying. He comforting me .. telling me that I make him happy. Then we made love and that was it. Yep - I think he is still in limbo.
I would like to talk to him Face to Face to tell him it is over. I'm contemplating that.
Chloe
I have been trying to end my ema since June. I say I, but it's really WE. We've been together almost two years and have struggled with no contact even though we finally admitted that we would never have the strength (for want of a better noun) to split our families. We have broken up with each other so many times, and he's been stronger than me lately. I say stronger, but he still calls me and tells me he loves me... I still tell him that.... we haven't been together since July...
I don't really belong on the ending board because I look wishy-washy..... my head tells me I need to get out of this ema, but it's like I go into withdrawals without him. It's the same with him... so I don't belong here.
So I just look in both places... I see people with my emotions on each board... I still love him, I can't stop... but I know we're not destined to be.
Damn!
I posted a few days ago about the constant angst I was feeling with an EA that had
gone on for a year. Then, out of the blue, yesterday I mentioned how hurt my husband
would be if he found out and hurt the MM's wife would be. Next thing I knew we were
ending it! Not what I really wanted! I feel guilt several times weekly, but it always
passes. The MM and I shared how much we cared for each other, but I am very, very sad
this happened. Something very similar happened 6 months ago, but after 11 days he called (out of the
blue) and things picked back up very slowly, but steadily.
Let me stress that this has ONLY been emotional, so far. My question to you guys? How
many of you have been through "breakups" that weren't really THE END?? You probably can
see that I am hoping he will call again (like last time). Wondering if there is much
hope for that?? Although I am the one who brought up the whole guilt issue both times,
I let him know ending it was not what I wanted..
Thanks.