Today make one week NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Today make one week NC
10
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 6:09am

A whole week with no contact from my xap.. I woke up in a panic

“"Truer words were never spoken -" Ah, but true words leave hearts broken! Truth is only for the wise - Lovers ought to stick to lies”

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 7:35am
Thank your lucky stars, and start living for YOU. And i think what he is really thinking is that he has a woman under his control who will put up with anything he dishes out. No i don't think your out of the woods.. i'll bet he will try to contact you again just " to see if you are miserable " without him... show him you are not. Show him you are living your life without him and you dont deserve to get the treatment a dog wouldn't get. But in reality, if i were you, i would NOT answer any phone calls at all from him. I would not give him the time of day. Let him go threaten someone else for it.
I, for one, had to change my location and everything because of one man... i had to move 2000 miles away from family and friends, and went into hiding for 5 years...IT ISN"T FUN!!!!!!... DONT let that happen to you.
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 11:12am

You've got some experienced, abused women counseling you here. You are not out of the woods, it's only been a week. Yes, him quitting on you is a good thing, the best thing. I know it hurts and it's hard, I KNOW that. My first h beat the crap out of me for our entire marriage, starting in the first month and continuing for 18 months. Still, it was so hard to divorce him, to just be without him. I KNOW what you are feeling. Abusers are the biggest charmers. They know just what to say and when to say it to keep you hooked. They will beat the living crap out of you, but when it's over, and they calm down, they are so sweet, and the sweetness is the sweetest thing ever. We get addicted to the sweetness and forgive the abuse. It's a rough road, you don't wanna go there.

As for this guy, if he calls, just don't answer. If that means you have to keep your phone with your friend longer, do that. If that means you have to turn your phone off and then just check it every hour to return friends phone calls, do that. Whatever it takes, do not take this mans call.

And since you are gonna divorce anyway, be prepared to move out of your area, even consider putting stuff in someone else's name. That will keep him from finding you. Women like us are a dime a dozen, lots of us out there. We aren't worth the chase, we really aren't, when there is another woman just waiting to take our places. Let them have the place and take care of yourself.

You are gonna be ok, and then it will be ok to think about the good times, but for now, really focus on the bad stuff. That will help you keep distance. If you start thinking about the sweet times, it will be too easy to get sucked back in. We know there was sweetness, or you wouldn't have been with him at all. But please protect yourself now.

He's probably thinking he's quite pleased with himself, he can turn you on and off like a switch. He's probably thinking he can come back whenever it suits him and you'll come running. He's probably thinking he completely controls you. He's probably thinking what you gave him was good, but you are just way too difficult, made things too complicated wanting your needs met too. He's probably stewing and thinking you are a b***ch. You can't control what he's thinking, either and none of it matters. It's hard to think that he just walked away without a second thought, and he didn't.

I was worried about you when you didn't check in yesterday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Thu, 06-25-2009 - 1:01am

Gal -


I think what you're feeling is very normal.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Thu, 06-25-2009 - 1:57pm

Thank you for caring and your encouraging words.

“"Truer words were never spoken -" Ah, but true words leave hearts broken! Truth is only for the wise - Lovers ought to stick to lies”

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-25-2009 - 4:09pm
please please please just turn your phone off! Check it once an hour for friends messages, delete his without even listening to them. You are gonna get hooked again if you aren't careful. Don't take his calls. I'm truly afraid for you
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Thu, 06-25-2009 - 4:48pm
Join me over on the EAS board....i think i am going to remain there..its been a tremendous help to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Thu, 06-25-2009 - 5:34pm
Thank you again. Yes, I am going to leave my phone with my friend.
“"Truer words were never spoken -" Ah, but true words leave hearts broken! Truth is only for the wise - Lovers ought to stick to lies”

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
Sat, 06-27-2009 - 9:16pm

hmmm...interesting...can I pose a question?
If you were in an abusive marriage & know the struggles & humiliation & fear of that situation, why in the world would you advise "erosme"(in the previous thread) to "keep trying to get H into therapy"? After she clearly states he has hit her, has a temper, calls her the b-word & all the other BS that goes along with domestic violence?

Maybe you missed that part of her post?

Don't get me wrong...your advice here is correct & as a certified counselor of abused/battered women, as well as being a 20 year survivor myself, I think we all need to try & help women see the trap we can fall into while young &/or desperate or otherwise confused & make sure women see themselves as empowered in ANY relationship or to otherwise get out.

But I was wondering about the contradiction in advice.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 4:20pm

very fair question. It is a contradiction in advice. I had to go back and figure it out myself, why I gave that advice the way I did. I missed the part when she said he's had hit her, and would have advised differently if I'd have read her post entirely. I have edited my post. I was in an abusive marriage for all of 18 long, painful months. I got out because I'd had enough. But I also understand the abuse cycle of honeymoon and hurt. I got caught in that for a long time, and even at the very end, he almost sucked me back in with is apologies and sweetness, I was planning to end my petition for divorce on july 5, but he called me on july 4 drunk as a skunk and reminded me that everything that ever went wrong in our marriage was entirely my fault and that I forced him to hit me because I was so awful. all I needed was that reminder to cement my resolve.

So anyway, I've rambled, but that's what happened. I'll be more careful in the future to read posts entirely, even the long ones, before commenting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 8:48pm
Thank You for the clarification & the edit.