Told AP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Told AP
11
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 4:28pm

So I had a chance to tell AP today about asking H for a D. I was curious as to how he would respond and if it would change thigs between us.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 9:28pm

Glad he took it well :).

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 11:07pm

Sounds good, like neither one of you is freaking out and feeling pressured.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2010
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 9:33am

I am glad to hear that he took it well and didn't back away or anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 10:38am

I have been collecting information at thispoint, doing research. Some of it I presented to H and he flat out refuses to hear about it. He does not want a D period. He said it will be all on me. He wants to workit out, that I owe him that. I don't, I am done. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but I have thought a lot about this and I just need to get out. My goal is to be out by the Summer. We will have to put our house on the market or one buy the other out. He is going to be very uncooperative,but I just can't stay. It makes me wnat out even more. Thanks for asking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2010
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 12:10pm

I did the same thing this weekend. I know he knew I'd been wanting to leave my M, but I told him this weekend that I am officially moving out. He seemed OK about it that night, but I sorta feel like he's pulling away a bit, even though I'm not leaving my H for AP. It could be just me being paranoid, because he has his son this week, and he's always a little less chatty when he has his boy (as expected). Even though I'm not leaving my M for him, I would still very much like to keep things up with him- he's the one that, like you, made me realize that I am in fact capable of having a good relationship where I feel special and important to the other person. And he has given me that last bit of courage I needed to actually leave. H was always putting me down, I assume in an effort to keep me under his thumb, and AP made me realize that I'm not the frumpy, unsexy,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 9:06pm

I guess we'll beon this journey together then. H is very angry,but is starting to digest things. I think I am ready to move forward with things more quickly because I had already made the decision in my mind to end things. H knew there were issues, but didn'tthink it would come to this. Unlikeyou I can't justpickup and leave becuase of the kids. H could file on desertion or abandoment if I did and it could cause problems later whenwe are deciding custody. Right now we have to put together a separatrion agreement and have it signed and notarized, then I can go or he can go. We have to be apart 1 yr before divorce is final.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2010
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 9:17pm
Have you already spoken with a lawyer? I thought that if I left it would be abandonment as well, but the lawyer said that grounds haven't affected alimony or custody in decades, unless the grounds show that one parent is unfit (as in cases of abuse), and that it's a common misconception. I'm sure it varies by state, but I'm in VA, and we are a no-fault state. I have children as well (3) but they are coming with me. Figuring out custody will be the biggest issue, I'm sure, but so far H and I have been able to agree on most of it. We also have to be separated for a full year before we can file. We haven't told the kids anything yet either, we want to have everything planned out so that we can answer any questions they might have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Thu, 11-11-2010 - 11:07am

Ihave not spoken with a lawyer. I am trying to go the mediator route as it is much less expensive and Ihave several friends that didthis. He is starting to accept the idea, but it has been a

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2010
Thu, 11-11-2010 - 11:13am
We will also try mediation first if we can't work things out on our own. One thing to bear in mind, is that most lawyers will give free advice to an extent. You can call as many as you want/need, and a bonus, is that any lawyer you speak to, can't represent H due to a conflict of interest. I actually made up a sample separation agreement (still have to fill in the specific terms we agree to) and was able to run it by a lawyer for tips and she helped me find loopholes- all at no charge!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Thu, 11-11-2010 - 11:17am

Thanks for the tip. I have a boiler plate separation agreement I am using from a friend and that is a good idea to run it by a lawyer for loopholes. I am just worried about leaving before I have something in place because H couold get nasty and say I deserted or whatever. It's good to know that doesn't much affect support or custiody in VA. I will have to see if it is the same in MD.

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