Told to be quiet; bad R or me nagging?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Told to be quiet; bad R or me nagging?
8
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 7:30pm

Did he ever tell you that you basically needed to be quiet? Like he's making ALL the calls and you get no voice?

Background (it's been a while since I posted): 3 year A with MM coworker. 2 months ago he said it's over with W, to please give him 2 months to move out. Work blew up (rumors of us) and he has asked for Sept 1. I'm not thrilled but sitting tight at moment.

So... I've been working hard at being patient and keeping busy... trying not to be so needy so not stress him out and trying to not be so available either - not answering texts right away, etc (small lesson in 'he could lose me' since he says that's his biggest fear with asking me to wait on him). I felt good about it until...

Yesterday he and W met with their counselor and I tried to be generic in my "howd it go" question but my responses pissed him off. He says he can't handle me asking & I'm the only one he can talk to & I said that he's the only one I can talk to except I CAN'T b/c if I ask things he gets mad. I said I feel like I'm supposed to sit down & be quiet until its my turn & he basically said yes. &%#&$&!!!! Then he says that I can get out at any time...not that he wants me to but that yes he feels guilty for asking me to wait & knows its not fair but basically doesn't need my baggage too. He says it sucks living w someone who u wish wasn't home when u r home but refuses to push the timeline up b/c of work (which i have to say had been a lot calmer lately which is nice) & a peaceful parting of ways on their end.

It's been running through my head lately "he will show me whether or not he wants me." Maybe he can't do this. Maybe I can't. Maybe I need to take a break (although not sure he'd agree to that). Maybe I just need to shut up about things that aren't my business & realize his m is not my biz. Maybe I change my attitude and date while I wait...although I dont want to.

I want him to reassure me, and he's not. The 'leave' comment did the opposite. I want him to have more aggressive conversations w her about the end of their M (I know of none lately & now I'm scared to ask). Should I be afraid to talk to my future husband? Or is that too dramatic & I should be respecting what he's going through & shut up?

Today we did our volunteer work together and he was messing up and getting pissy... which he's been doing lately (I know he's stressed) but last time I tried to cheer him up and got yelled at and this time I left him alone and got yelled at. We tried to talk afterward (he was on his way home) and he said I'm blaming him for everything and he didn't want to talk anymore... and now he's at home and I can't contact him. He's supposed to call me in AM but if he doesn't... do I?

I'm so tired. Is this just the hard part or are they signs that this is a bad relationship?

Ok...vented. for long time...sorry...but any advice you have would be very welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 10:15pm

The best thing for you to do would be to step back and give him space to work his issues out. If he is serious about ending his marriage, then he has to make sure he's doing it for the right reasons. Him changing dates and pushing deadlines is a bad sign, work or no work. If he is serious about you and your future together, he will come back to you. Meanwhile, get busy, live your own life and take a good care of yourself.

xoxo
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 1:01am
Sounds like you're going through an awful lot of headache, heartache and trouble for someone that is married to someone else. Why is he going to counseling with her if his plan is to divorce? I don't know...maybe I'm just pessimistic or maybe I've just seen too many people involved in situations like these end up getting the shaft from these men, but I wouldn't be so sure that he's going to leave her. And I DEFINITELY wouldn't be referring to him as your "future husband". Either to yourself or anyone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 1:39pm

I agree with gone.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 6:10pm
Another vote for giving space - Having been in a marriage for 19 years having to do just what you said here (sit and wait to say anything) I do think you need to take the time of space and evaluate what it is YOU want out of all this. I'll never be with someone that makes me feel like my opinions or thoughts are too much or stupid - or that my caring for them is a nag. I say breathe, take some time off and look at it through new eyes! Good luck!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 2:36pm

Thanks everyone... I have to find a way to give space. Not sure how... that's my main question to you:

We talked today. He'd told me originally he needed me through this process (the D) and I asked if that was still true. He said he needs the original me: the strong, confident me he fell in love with. Right now, he's dealing with an insecure woman who isn't me. I couldn't agree more, and I'm hating her!

I said I felt like I was suffocating him b/c I'm insecure, not getting enough reassurance. He says he's not sure he can give me updates right now b/c nothing major is happening at home (but he's still on target for the moveout date at the end of the summer) and that if I trusted him, I shouldn't need updates (**that scares me in a way; what do you think?). I said, but to be honest, I do need updates, or something (talk of the future again at least).

I said I can work on giving him space if he can work on giving some reassurances that there is something happen while I'm waiting for him.

I've been trying to keep focused on other things, but how do I make him NOT be the center of my thoughts? I feel like if I don't answer his texts, calls, etc. they way I normally would (promptly) that I'm playing a game. What would you do? Not text unless texted first, etc? Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 7:30pm

Hi There :-)


He wants the strong confident woman he fell in love with but he seems to be doing everything in his power to reduce that strong confident woman to the insecure one he is getting at the moment!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 10:23pm
You have gotten some great advice - I agree that stepping back and taking a look at things, to include who YOU are in this relationship is really important. We all tend to be confident going in - independant, carefree - and somewhere in the midst of the A we lose sight of that person - it happens because of our emotional dependency that comes from loving another person. Stepping back may give you more than clarity - good luck!
Photobucket

Photobucket
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 4:44pm

Hi Konline,


I feel for your situation. Your in this emotional roller coaster and basically waiting in the side lines until he tells you its ok. I think he's in conflict between you and his W and don't see him giving her a divorce any time soon. If he were serious about it then it would of been done. He's stressed and agitated so anything you do to try and make things better only frustrate him.


I think you should step back, cut off all ties until he's 100% sure on what he wants and what steps he's going to take to make it happen. Easier said then done but keep busy, do things you enjoy to do and move forward. Try and have no contact with him and with you out the picture this will probably make things clearer for him and yourself.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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