Told MM about my childhood sex abuse
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Told MM about my childhood sex abuse
| Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:03am |
Let me preface this by saying that MM and I have had a very unique friendship and I'm starting to realize that maybe he came into my life for more than just the love I feel for him. I'm a happily married woman who has always had problems with sexual intimacy. I couldn't talk about it, couldn't be sexually uninhibited or free... It all goes back to some sexual abuse I suffered when I was a child. (A male babysitter made me do things to him but nothing was done to me.) Last summer when MM started telling me he was developing feelings for me, we had some pretty intense sexual discussions. Over the course of a VERY rocky 6-8 months, he opened me up in a way I'd never been opened before. Now, keep in mind that we've never been physical aside from a couple of kisses that happened months ago, but we've talked about everything under the sun. Meanwhile, my sexual R with H EXPLODED. I was suddenly wild and uninhibited and every bit of it was because of my conversations with MM. I saw that I didn't have to be ashamed to talk about this stuff. It was so gradual I didn't really even see it happening until later but I've known for a while that it was MM my H had to thank. (Somehow I don't think he'd be thanking him, though, do you? :-)) Anyway, so over the past few months it's come out that MM had a very strict, emotionally abusive father growing up and I can tell he has a lot of issues with that that were probably unresolved when his father died. I, meanwhile, had an abusive (mostly emotionally) stepfather that I still have a lot of issues with, although he's not in my life anymore. Then last summer a mutual friend hinted that she thinks MM and his brother might have been sexually abused as children but she's not sure. That little tidbit, I think, may have come from his ex-wife who's very bitter toward him and spreads his dirt all over town. Plus someone else I know who knows MM's ex-wife told me that she knows some things about MM that he doesn't realize she knows but she won't tell me. She hints that they're bad, so I wonder... ANYWAY, yesterday MM and I were talking about my stepdad and he asked if he ever was abusive. I said, yes, and told him about his temper, etc. He then jumps straight to, "Was he SEXUALLY abusive?" Now who asks a question like that? Would it even occur to someone who hadn't been a victim of something like that? So I told him, "No." Then he asked if anyone ever sexually abused me. Again, WHY WOULD HE ASK THAT? I didn't answer right away and he got my answer from that. He got really sympathetic and kind of angry and I could tell it bothered him. I had to leave soon after but this morning he called me first thing (something he has been doing the past couple of days but hadn't done for a while before that). We were talking and the subject happened to come up again. He asked a couple more questions (how old was I? how did I feel? etc.) I told him I had never in my life talked to anyone about it -- not my mom, not my husband, NO ONE. He asked why and I said because I feel a little ashamed even though I know I shouldn't. He was adamant that I SHOULDN'T feel ashamed. He was just really bothered by the whole thing, saying he wanted to go bash the guy's head in. (The Guy just happens to be my cousin who has been basically kicked out of the family because he did the same thing to my other cousin as well...) Did I make a mistake in telling MM this or do you think he feels touched that I opened up to him in this way? I feel really vulnerable right now because he knows something I've never been able to share with anyone... He said I seem really well-adjusted for someone who had been through this and I said, "Am I?" I reminded him of that time in December where he proposed we meet for sex and I was willing to go along with it until he backed out. I said, "That's proof that I can easily be led into something I wasn't ready to do and may not even WANT to do." I think that made him feel bad but in a huge way I'm trying to let him know NOT TO LEAD ME. I'm at a place right now where I'm strong enough to resist, but it doesn't take much for him to break me down...

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On another note, did you hear about that girl in FL who was found dead?? What kind of animal would do such a think - I hate to think what her last moments would have been with the monster.
I remember in one of your other posts, you had mentioned that you had come a long way to a point where you could resist MM's temptation and didn't feel hurt as you used to, earlier. Your secret being out may create more bonding between you...and not he is your soulmate and thats why the secret came out....sharing such a detail could bond any two people....so I would say think clearly since you may be heading to a point of no return.
PG
PS. I wonder if what happened during the childhood has a role in us having a void and looking for men other than H's??
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
As to the other question about whether or not our past situations cause us to enter into As, in my case yes...in a way. I've always lived in a fantasy world. In h.s. I would pick a guy and crush on him for a while and make up all these stories in my head about how we'd get together. (That's part of what led me to write...) If we ever DID get together, I always felt disappointed and ended up getting bored after a while and finding another guy to fantasize about. It's pretty clear-cut what THAT means. A counselor wouldn't even have to THINK on that one! But when that crush crushes back, that's when I get into trouble and that's how this thing with MM has happened. I don't WANT an affair but eventually it's going to get to the point where I'm so in love with MM, I have to be with him. Then what happens when I marry MM and I have to pick a new guy to fantasize about? Will this go on all my life?
hi lilah.
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
I am so sorry to hear about what happened with you and your daughter.
Hugs to you and its good to know that inspite of the abuse your own wonderful parenting abilities still shone through.
PG
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
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