Told MM about my childhood sex abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Told MM about my childhood sex abuse
27
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:03am
Let me preface this by saying that MM and I have had a very unique friendship and I'm starting to realize that maybe he came into my life for more than just the love I feel for him. I'm a happily married woman who has always had problems with sexual intimacy. I couldn't talk about it, couldn't be sexually uninhibited or free... It all goes back to some sexual abuse I suffered when I was a child. (A male babysitter made me do things to him but nothing was done to me.) Last summer when MM started telling me he was developing feelings for me, we had some pretty intense sexual discussions. Over the course of a VERY rocky 6-8 months, he opened me up in a way I'd never been opened before. Now, keep in mind that we've never been physical aside from a couple of kisses that happened months ago, but we've talked about everything under the sun. Meanwhile, my sexual R with H EXPLODED. I was suddenly wild and uninhibited and every bit of it was because of my conversations with MM. I saw that I didn't have to be ashamed to talk about this stuff. It was so gradual I didn't really even see it happening until later but I've known for a while that it was MM my H had to thank. (Somehow I don't think he'd be thanking him, though, do you? :-)) Anyway, so over the past few months it's come out that MM had a very strict, emotionally abusive father growing up and I can tell he has a lot of issues with that that were probably unresolved when his father died. I, meanwhile, had an abusive (mostly emotionally) stepfather that I still have a lot of issues with, although he's not in my life anymore. Then last summer a mutual friend hinted that she thinks MM and his brother might have been sexually abused as children but she's not sure. That little tidbit, I think, may have come from his ex-wife who's very bitter toward him and spreads his dirt all over town. Plus someone else I know who knows MM's ex-wife told me that she knows some things about MM that he doesn't realize she knows but she won't tell me. She hints that they're bad, so I wonder... ANYWAY, yesterday MM and I were talking about my stepdad and he asked if he ever was abusive. I said, yes, and told him about his temper, etc. He then jumps straight to, "Was he SEXUALLY abusive?" Now who asks a question like that? Would it even occur to someone who hadn't been a victim of something like that? So I told him, "No." Then he asked if anyone ever sexually abused me. Again, WHY WOULD HE ASK THAT? I didn't answer right away and he got my answer from that. He got really sympathetic and kind of angry and I could tell it bothered him. I had to leave soon after but this morning he called me first thing (something he has been doing the past couple of days but hadn't done for a while before that). We were talking and the subject happened to come up again. He asked a couple more questions (how old was I? how did I feel? etc.) I told him I had never in my life talked to anyone about it -- not my mom, not my husband, NO ONE. He asked why and I said because I feel a little ashamed even though I know I shouldn't. He was adamant that I SHOULDN'T feel ashamed. He was just really bothered by the whole thing, saying he wanted to go bash the guy's head in. (The Guy just happens to be my cousin who has been basically kicked out of the family because he did the same thing to my other cousin as well...) Did I make a mistake in telling MM this or do you think he feels touched that I opened up to him in this way? I feel really vulnerable right now because he knows something I've never been able to share with anyone... He said I seem really well-adjusted for someone who had been through this and I said, "Am I?" I reminded him of that time in December where he proposed we meet for sex and I was willing to go along with it until he backed out. I said, "That's proof that I can easily be led into something I wasn't ready to do and may not even WANT to do." I think that made him feel bad but in a huge way I'm trying to let him know NOT TO LEAD ME. I'm at a place right now where I'm strong enough to resist, but it doesn't take much for him to break me down...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:24am
Isn't it horrible that some childhood experiences scar us for life? I too have been abused (raped is more like it) in my childhood and it did affect me sexually for a long time, till I got married. My H was good about taking away inhibitions about my body, however the sex was not as comfotable as it should have been. Right now, I feel comfortable about my body and having sex since the OM came into my life. I can talk any "taboo" topic with him freely and it doesn't embarrass me as it used to.

On another note, did you hear about that girl in FL who was found dead?? What kind of animal would do such a think - I hate to think what her last moments would have been with the monster.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:38am
So sorry to hear about that, juliet. Any childhood sex abuse is hard, but rape has to be especially hard to deal with. The thing I just don't get is WHY MM? All my life I've kept this secret hidden inside. I know it did occur to me yesterday, just seconds before I crossed that line and told him, that it was possible it had happened to him too and this would bond us. But now I just don't know how he's going to treat me. He was asking me some pretty detailed things about what this guy made me do and I reminded him I was six and didn't really understand any of it so it's not so much that I have blocked it out as I didn't process it in the first place. Have you kept your rape a secret until OM or does everyone know? How did OM handle it as opposed to H?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:47am
Lilah,

I remember in one of your other posts, you had mentioned that you had come a long way to a point where you could resist MM's temptation and didn't feel hurt as you used to, earlier. Your secret being out may create more bonding between you...and not he is your soulmate and thats why the secret came out....sharing such a detail could bond any two people....so I would say think clearly since you may be heading to a point of no return.

PG

PS. I wonder if what happened during the childhood has a role in us having a void and looking for men other than H's??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:01pm
Yes, I have kept it a secret until OM. I told my H a little about it - not too much because he cannot deal with it. OM knows all about it - he had been pressuring me to get it all out - and one day I blurted it all out just like that. I think I kinda shocked him - as he hadn't expected it to be rape - he probably thought it was some sort of sexual abuse. Anyway, it doesn't affect me like before - like in my teens. I did not sleep with anybody till I met H. I just couldn't bear to do it again, if you know what I mean. Anyway, that's all in the past - done and over with - I don't want to be ever in that situation again - keeping it a secret for so long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:06pm
Well, MM and I have had a week actually. He has been in one of his intense phases and I sensed we were heading for a fall. I was being strong but he wasn't at all and he didn't seem to care one way or another how I was being. So on Wednesday he mentioned how he was all alone downstairs the day before and I should have come and found him. But then he said it was probably better I didn't because he was really weak that day. I said, "It would have been fine. Nothing would have happened." He got pretty mad at that but I let him go off on his tantrum. Then later I found him and told him that I can't handle the highs and lows of what we had last fall and with it being as stable as it's been since Christmas, my feelings for him actually get stronger with each passing day. I told him I can't handle any more than friendship with him right now but that he should know that my feelings are getting stronger and stronger. That seemed to send him over the moon. Since then he's been really sweet but I'm still trying to make abundantly clear that there's no "affair" in this affair! I may be naive, but what I feel like right now is that we're working on strengthening the other parts of our relationship. Talking, getting to know each other... We've discussed the future and the past and the present. I feel like as long as I'm strong, he won't have that fear that we'll do something we'll regret. Also, here's the thing... I moved to his floor in early January and now I'm seeing first-hand that most of the times I thought he was in his "cave," he genuinely WAS busy. So many times it's been our usual visiting time and my very own boss has had him off doing something or the people in his office were meeting with him or whatever. Yesterday afternoon instead of intercoming him, I called his main line and he was on it. So instead of sitting around pouting because he wouldn't get off the phone, I got off my butt and walked over to his office and acted like I'd just been in the area and was stopping by. He immediately got off the phone. I think it's inevitable that these loving looks he's been giving me will stop abruptly and he'll have to pull back a little, but the "avoiding" I thought he was always doing wasn't really avoiding at all. Either way, I'm going to continue to make it clear nothing physical is going to happen anytime soon and maybe now that he knows about my past, he won't push it too hard when I say I'm not ready. (He got upset when I resisted that first kiss and I ended up giving in and that led nowhere good!) I'm just curious to know what he's feeling right now...if he IS feeling closer to me and if it's going to scare him or whatever...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:15pm

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:19pm
Keeping it a secret is a bad idea, isn't it? I do feel more free now that someone knows but an interesting thing has happened. Right this very second is the time I'd normally go see MM and I'm not picking up that phone. I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like he's probably busy anyway because he was the last time I talked to him, but that's not why. Until this very moment I had fully planned to go see him at our usual time but now that the time is here I can't bring myself to call him. In fact, I'm e-mailing my lunch buddies now to see if we can go to lunch early... What's THAT all about? I guess I feel like I can't face him; I'm too embarassed. I feel too open and vulnerable and even a small thing like calling him and him not being at his desk would bother me, so I'm not even going to risk the rejection. Last December when I thought he was in his cave I would sometimes go days without calling or visiting him and, unlike earlier in the year when I did it, it wasn't about playing games. I genuinely just felt like I needed space from him. Is it possible that we women have our caves too???

As to the other question about whether or not our past situations cause us to enter into As, in my case yes...in a way. I've always lived in a fantasy world. In h.s. I would pick a guy and crush on him for a while and make up all these stories in my head about how we'd get together. (That's part of what led me to write...) If we ever DID get together, I always felt disappointed and ended up getting bored after a while and finding another guy to fantasize about. It's pretty clear-cut what THAT means. A counselor wouldn't even have to THINK on that one! But when that crush crushes back, that's when I get into trouble and that's how this thing with MM has happened. I don't WANT an affair but eventually it's going to get to the point where I'm so in love with MM, I have to be with him. Then what happens when I marry MM and I have to pick a new guy to fantasize about? Will this go on all my life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:29pm

hi lilah.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:55pm
Gurl,

I am so sorry to hear about what happened with you and your daughter.

Hugs to you and its good to know that inspite of the abuse your own wonderful parenting abilities still shone through.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 1:08pm

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

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