Told MM about my childhood sex abuse
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Told MM about my childhood sex abuse
| Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:03am |
Let me preface this by saying that MM and I have had a very unique friendship and I'm starting to realize that maybe he came into my life for more than just the love I feel for him. I'm a happily married woman who has always had problems with sexual intimacy. I couldn't talk about it, couldn't be sexually uninhibited or free... It all goes back to some sexual abuse I suffered when I was a child. (A male babysitter made me do things to him but nothing was done to me.) Last summer when MM started telling me he was developing feelings for me, we had some pretty intense sexual discussions. Over the course of a VERY rocky 6-8 months, he opened me up in a way I'd never been opened before. Now, keep in mind that we've never been physical aside from a couple of kisses that happened months ago, but we've talked about everything under the sun. Meanwhile, my sexual R with H EXPLODED. I was suddenly wild and uninhibited and every bit of it was because of my conversations with MM. I saw that I didn't have to be ashamed to talk about this stuff. It was so gradual I didn't really even see it happening until later but I've known for a while that it was MM my H had to thank. (Somehow I don't think he'd be thanking him, though, do you? :-)) Anyway, so over the past few months it's come out that MM had a very strict, emotionally abusive father growing up and I can tell he has a lot of issues with that that were probably unresolved when his father died. I, meanwhile, had an abusive (mostly emotionally) stepfather that I still have a lot of issues with, although he's not in my life anymore. Then last summer a mutual friend hinted that she thinks MM and his brother might have been sexually abused as children but she's not sure. That little tidbit, I think, may have come from his ex-wife who's very bitter toward him and spreads his dirt all over town. Plus someone else I know who knows MM's ex-wife told me that she knows some things about MM that he doesn't realize she knows but she won't tell me. She hints that they're bad, so I wonder... ANYWAY, yesterday MM and I were talking about my stepdad and he asked if he ever was abusive. I said, yes, and told him about his temper, etc. He then jumps straight to, "Was he SEXUALLY abusive?" Now who asks a question like that? Would it even occur to someone who hadn't been a victim of something like that? So I told him, "No." Then he asked if anyone ever sexually abused me. Again, WHY WOULD HE ASK THAT? I didn't answer right away and he got my answer from that. He got really sympathetic and kind of angry and I could tell it bothered him. I had to leave soon after but this morning he called me first thing (something he has been doing the past couple of days but hadn't done for a while before that). We were talking and the subject happened to come up again. He asked a couple more questions (how old was I? how did I feel? etc.) I told him I had never in my life talked to anyone about it -- not my mom, not my husband, NO ONE. He asked why and I said because I feel a little ashamed even though I know I shouldn't. He was adamant that I SHOULDN'T feel ashamed. He was just really bothered by the whole thing, saying he wanted to go bash the guy's head in. (The Guy just happens to be my cousin who has been basically kicked out of the family because he did the same thing to my other cousin as well...) Did I make a mistake in telling MM this or do you think he feels touched that I opened up to him in this way? I feel really vulnerable right now because he knows something I've never been able to share with anyone... He said I seem really well-adjusted for someone who had been through this and I said, "Am I?" I reminded him of that time in December where he proposed we meet for sex and I was willing to go along with it until he backed out. I said, "That's proof that I can easily be led into something I wasn't ready to do and may not even WANT to do." I think that made him feel bad but in a huge way I'm trying to let him know NOT TO LEAD ME. I'm at a place right now where I'm strong enough to resist, but it doesn't take much for him to break me down...

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I do feel really relieved, though. Last year when this was all about sex, I felt cheap and yucky. Now, bonding with MM, this feels like something much more beautiful, something I could build a life on. The compassion in his eyes yesterday... I'll never forget that. And the way he was so sweet this morning. It means so much to me right now, but I can't tell him. Someday I will. I just imagined if I ever told him about my abuse it would be lying in his arms when we were together. I guess I've always planned on telling him, ever since I saw the pain in his eyes when he talked about how his father treated him...
sweetie, you are a wonderful woman and so caring of your MM and his feelings.
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
This isn't the first time that you make me amazed at your strength.
thanks boston....
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
NO!!!
That's right. Without hesitation, without waffling on the subject. Just a flat-out NO. It bothered the dickens out of him. He asked again, said we could meet downstairs in this room no one has access to. I said, again, NO. So then he asked if that meant I would never sleep with him and I simply said, "I'm not ready."
He's really in hyper-drive now and I have no idea what to do except keep saying no while trying not to injure his pride. I did feed his ego as best I could and tell him that I'm just not ready. I think it's driving him crazy; wanting me but being rejected. Before I would have kissed him in a heartbeat, no hesitation. But I know the guilt that follows and how he pushes me away and I can't handle it. I'm just over the moon about how well I did. Of course, that doesn't mean the guilt won't hit him and he won't start pushing me away again... He's really in a no-guilt zone now. He even had a full conversation with his wife while I was sitting there and didn't seem to be bothered by it. In the middle of all this, I just had this firm thought of what gurl said last week. She said I was a strong lady for being able to resist this. I was just sitting there thinking, "I'm a strong lady. People believe in me. I can HANDLE this." Thank you all for giving me the strength...
I am so sorry you had go thorugh all the abuse from your father. I don't how I would have dealt with it myself if it hadn't been some nameless person who I hadn't known for a long time. You should forgive yourself about your daughter - I mean I would forgive my parents if they ever came to know about my rape. They did not mean put me in harms way - sometimes things happen - ya know. hugs to you - you are definitely a strong woman.
Juliet
hey lilah -- good for you honey!
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
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