Told MM about my childhood sex abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Told MM about my childhood sex abuse
27
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:03am
Let me preface this by saying that MM and I have had a very unique friendship and I'm starting to realize that maybe he came into my life for more than just the love I feel for him. I'm a happily married woman who has always had problems with sexual intimacy. I couldn't talk about it, couldn't be sexually uninhibited or free... It all goes back to some sexual abuse I suffered when I was a child. (A male babysitter made me do things to him but nothing was done to me.) Last summer when MM started telling me he was developing feelings for me, we had some pretty intense sexual discussions. Over the course of a VERY rocky 6-8 months, he opened me up in a way I'd never been opened before. Now, keep in mind that we've never been physical aside from a couple of kisses that happened months ago, but we've talked about everything under the sun. Meanwhile, my sexual R with H EXPLODED. I was suddenly wild and uninhibited and every bit of it was because of my conversations with MM. I saw that I didn't have to be ashamed to talk about this stuff. It was so gradual I didn't really even see it happening until later but I've known for a while that it was MM my H had to thank. (Somehow I don't think he'd be thanking him, though, do you? :-)) Anyway, so over the past few months it's come out that MM had a very strict, emotionally abusive father growing up and I can tell he has a lot of issues with that that were probably unresolved when his father died. I, meanwhile, had an abusive (mostly emotionally) stepfather that I still have a lot of issues with, although he's not in my life anymore. Then last summer a mutual friend hinted that she thinks MM and his brother might have been sexually abused as children but she's not sure. That little tidbit, I think, may have come from his ex-wife who's very bitter toward him and spreads his dirt all over town. Plus someone else I know who knows MM's ex-wife told me that she knows some things about MM that he doesn't realize she knows but she won't tell me. She hints that they're bad, so I wonder... ANYWAY, yesterday MM and I were talking about my stepdad and he asked if he ever was abusive. I said, yes, and told him about his temper, etc. He then jumps straight to, "Was he SEXUALLY abusive?" Now who asks a question like that? Would it even occur to someone who hadn't been a victim of something like that? So I told him, "No." Then he asked if anyone ever sexually abused me. Again, WHY WOULD HE ASK THAT? I didn't answer right away and he got my answer from that. He got really sympathetic and kind of angry and I could tell it bothered him. I had to leave soon after but this morning he called me first thing (something he has been doing the past couple of days but hadn't done for a while before that). We were talking and the subject happened to come up again. He asked a couple more questions (how old was I? how did I feel? etc.) I told him I had never in my life talked to anyone about it -- not my mom, not my husband, NO ONE. He asked why and I said because I feel a little ashamed even though I know I shouldn't. He was adamant that I SHOULDN'T feel ashamed. He was just really bothered by the whole thing, saying he wanted to go bash the guy's head in. (The Guy just happens to be my cousin who has been basically kicked out of the family because he did the same thing to my other cousin as well...) Did I make a mistake in telling MM this or do you think he feels touched that I opened up to him in this way? I feel really vulnerable right now because he knows something I've never been able to share with anyone... He said I seem really well-adjusted for someone who had been through this and I said, "Am I?" I reminded him of that time in December where he proposed we meet for sex and I was willing to go along with it until he backed out. I said, "That's proof that I can easily be led into something I wasn't ready to do and may not even WANT to do." I think that made him feel bad but in a huge way I'm trying to let him know NOT TO LEAD ME. I'm at a place right now where I'm strong enough to resist, but it doesn't take much for him to break me down...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 2:15pm
Your post brought tears to my eyes, gurl. Yes, you're completely right. I do need a little space. I feel like if I see him and he mentions it, I'll crack. But it's not even as tangible as that. Yesterday afternoon I went to see him and we both ended up waiting around for our spouses to call and say they were here to get us and it was almost a full hour that I spoke to him. Anytime we have that much togetherness, especially when he's intense like this, I do tend to feel the need to get away. I start feeling like I might suffocate. I have told him repeatedly that I don't want to be with him while we're still married, but I just don't know if that's possible.

I do feel really relieved, though. Last year when this was all about sex, I felt cheap and yucky. Now, bonding with MM, this feels like something much more beautiful, something I could build a life on. The compassion in his eyes yesterday... I'll never forget that. And the way he was so sweet this morning. It means so much to me right now, but I can't tell him. Someday I will. I just imagined if I ever told him about my abuse it would be lying in his arms when we were together. I guess I've always planned on telling him, ever since I saw the pain in his eyes when he talked about how his father treated him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 2:21pm

sweetie, you are a wonderful woman and so caring of your MM and his feelings.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 2:21pm
Sorry, sweetheart.

This isn't the first time that you make me amazed at your strength.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 3:26pm

thanks boston....

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 4:08pm
I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF, you guys. MM called me to his office. He was leaving early. Until recently he wouldn't have done that; he would have just left for the day and I would have had no idea, but he really wanted to see me. So he started in on this whole, "So you promise I'm the ONLY person who knows about the abuse." I said yes. He said he was touched that I trusted him, and I said well, to tell you the truth, no one's ever asked before but it does bother me. He asked why and I said, "Because it makes me feel vulnerable to you that I opened myself in that way." He said he really, really cares about me and touched his heart. Then he said, out of the blue, "I want to kiss you." And do you guys know what I said?

NO!!!

That's right. Without hesitation, without waffling on the subject. Just a flat-out NO. It bothered the dickens out of him. He asked again, said we could meet downstairs in this room no one has access to. I said, again, NO. So then he asked if that meant I would never sleep with him and I simply said, "I'm not ready."

He's really in hyper-drive now and I have no idea what to do except keep saying no while trying not to injure his pride. I did feed his ego as best I could and tell him that I'm just not ready. I think it's driving him crazy; wanting me but being rejected. Before I would have kissed him in a heartbeat, no hesitation. But I know the guilt that follows and how he pushes me away and I can't handle it. I'm just over the moon about how well I did. Of course, that doesn't mean the guilt won't hit him and he won't start pushing me away again... He's really in a no-guilt zone now. He even had a full conversation with his wife while I was sitting there and didn't seem to be bothered by it. In the middle of all this, I just had this firm thought of what gurl said last week. She said I was a strong lady for being able to resist this. I was just sitting there thinking, "I'm a strong lady. People believe in me. I can HANDLE this." Thank you all for giving me the strength...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 5:31pm
Gurl,

I am so sorry you had go thorugh all the abuse from your father. I don't how I would have dealt with it myself if it hadn't been some nameless person who I hadn't known for a long time. You should forgive yourself about your daughter - I mean I would forgive my parents if they ever came to know about my rape. They did not mean put me in harms way - sometimes things happen - ya know. hugs to you - you are definitely a strong woman.

Juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:14am

hey lilah -- good for you honey!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:18am

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 12:22pm
I really think it depends on the nature of your involvement with either H or MM. I shared a personal issue with H early in our relationship. I've chosen not to share it with MM because I think it colored the relationship with H in a way I now regret. But that's me. I want my relationship with MM to be lighter, less restricted by personal stuff. Will that change? Maybe. I think that you need to beware of getting satisfaction from any drama that your 'sharing' might generate. Time with my MM is precious because there is so little of it. While we do deal with each other's emotional upheavals, and we are great buddies, there is great value in being with someone who doesn't share all my baggage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 12:30pm
Gurlfriend, just as you've learned and grown from your experience, so will your daughter. Isn't it amazing that our children manage to survive our feeble attempts at parenthood? The amazing thing is, that when she is a parent, she will get that you did the best thing you could at the time. Please don't make the mistake of beating yourself up over it. You were awesome for stepping up and having your father prosecuted. That must have been so, so hard. I can't even imagine it. Good for you. I could tell how tough and loving you were from some of the posts you offer. Now I know what forged you. So good comes out of even bad things... and so it will be for your daughter too.