Told MM about my childhood sex abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Told MM about my childhood sex abuse
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Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:03am
Let me preface this by saying that MM and I have had a very unique friendship and I'm starting to realize that maybe he came into my life for more than just the love I feel for him. I'm a happily married woman who has always had problems with sexual intimacy. I couldn't talk about it, couldn't be sexually uninhibited or free... It all goes back to some sexual abuse I suffered when I was a child. (A male babysitter made me do things to him but nothing was done to me.) Last summer when MM started telling me he was developing feelings for me, we had some pretty intense sexual discussions. Over the course of a VERY rocky 6-8 months, he opened me up in a way I'd never been opened before. Now, keep in mind that we've never been physical aside from a couple of kisses that happened months ago, but we've talked about everything under the sun. Meanwhile, my sexual R with H EXPLODED. I was suddenly wild and uninhibited and every bit of it was because of my conversations with MM. I saw that I didn't have to be ashamed to talk about this stuff. It was so gradual I didn't really even see it happening until later but I've known for a while that it was MM my H had to thank. (Somehow I don't think he'd be thanking him, though, do you? :-)) Anyway, so over the past few months it's come out that MM had a very strict, emotionally abusive father growing up and I can tell he has a lot of issues with that that were probably unresolved when his father died. I, meanwhile, had an abusive (mostly emotionally) stepfather that I still have a lot of issues with, although he's not in my life anymore. Then last summer a mutual friend hinted that she thinks MM and his brother might have been sexually abused as children but she's not sure. That little tidbit, I think, may have come from his ex-wife who's very bitter toward him and spreads his dirt all over town. Plus someone else I know who knows MM's ex-wife told me that she knows some things about MM that he doesn't realize she knows but she won't tell me. She hints that they're bad, so I wonder... ANYWAY, yesterday MM and I were talking about my stepdad and he asked if he ever was abusive. I said, yes, and told him about his temper, etc. He then jumps straight to, "Was he SEXUALLY abusive?" Now who asks a question like that? Would it even occur to someone who hadn't been a victim of something like that? So I told him, "No." Then he asked if anyone ever sexually abused me. Again, WHY WOULD HE ASK THAT? I didn't answer right away and he got my answer from that. He got really sympathetic and kind of angry and I could tell it bothered him. I had to leave soon after but this morning he called me first thing (something he has been doing the past couple of days but hadn't done for a while before that). We were talking and the subject happened to come up again. He asked a couple more questions (how old was I? how did I feel? etc.) I told him I had never in my life talked to anyone about it -- not my mom, not my husband, NO ONE. He asked why and I said because I feel a little ashamed even though I know I shouldn't. He was adamant that I SHOULDN'T feel ashamed. He was just really bothered by the whole thing, saying he wanted to go bash the guy's head in. (The Guy just happens to be my cousin who has been basically kicked out of the family because he did the same thing to my other cousin as well...) Did I make a mistake in telling MM this or do you think he feels touched that I opened up to him in this way? I feel really vulnerable right now because he knows something I've never been able to share with anyone... He said I seem really well-adjusted for someone who had been through this and I said, "Am I?" I reminded him of that time in December where he proposed we meet for sex and I was willing to go along with it until he backed out. I said, "That's proof that I can easily be led into something I wasn't ready to do and may not even WANT to do." I think that made him feel bad but in a huge way I'm trying to let him know NOT TO LEAD ME. I'm at a place right now where I'm strong enough to resist, but it doesn't take much for him to break me down...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 12:40pm

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 1:50pm
My favorite quote... "there are only two lasting bequests we can leave to our children. One of these is roots, the other wings." Hang in there, mama. Praying for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 7:26am
Good morning Gurl,

Tell me how are you working on her self-esteem, because mine is lousy for this same reason. I get so emotionally depressed sometimes, about my own self, parenting skills, even about the love I do not seem to have enough of for DH or the 'right' kind for MM? My self esteem is very low, the reason for always being a victim, and not minding it, although those feelings seem to be changing, I am tired of being there for everyone, and no one there for me... except MM who is my life support doing what he can with helping me keep up my self-esteem.

Mitzy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 7:29am
Hugs to you all, to make those ghosts go away... Mitzy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:16pm

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 4:04am
Thank you Gurl, you sound a whole lot like MM, think you would like him.. He is giving me the tools and instructions to rebuilding what was a dead soul; I am trying to make it work, on all levels, but how it is hard to change after 30 years.... But must be patient, and listen to that inner voice, because if I had through out the years, I would not be where I am today. I am not sure I would be happier, but would have been living life for me. Now, must make it work, even if there are other chains, rather ropes that hold me down...

Hugs Mitzy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:08pm

mitzy you WILL make it work for yourself, i just feel it.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

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