Told MM about pregnancy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Told MM about pregnancy...
3
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 8:13pm
For those of you who didn't see my message from a couple of days earlier, I have just recently learned I am pregnant by MM. I myself am single (divorced) with a little boy. MM and I only "officially" started this A a couple of months ago. I say officially because we had been very good friends for over year before we started probably sending each other a "signals" that it had turned into more. All along he has told me how in love with me he is but he has never made any false promises about leaving his wife, because he has two dd's that he adores and did not want to hurt.

Well, I took the plunge on Friday, since we both took the day to spend with each other, to tell him about the pregnancy. Needless to say, he did not seem to take it very well. I know he is confused and scared and probably needs time to sort it all out, but some of the things he said hurt me and are making me wonder if I really want him to be part of this. I intend to keep the baby and while he didn't outright push for abortion, he seemed to be letting me know what a mess everybody's life would become by me choosing to keep the baby. He feels like he has no "choice" in this (sorry, but he doesn't really). The choice I gave him was to either be supportive and be a part of my life and the baby or to walk away. I never thought he would be the type of person to walk away from this but he is making me feel like I am personally ruining his life! It's as if he is just now realizing what this is going to do to his "family". He is afraid his girls will never forgive him and was going on about how his wife just doesn't deserve this! Well, did she deserve the A either? He had been supposedly having marital problems for years and ironically, the same time I learned I was pregnant, she decided she wants to try and work things out between them! And, MM seems to not know what he wants! He says he has been married to her for 15 years, so it is complicated and not as easy as I think to just walk away. And, yet before he learned I was pregnant, I was the only one he could think about and he was constantly making excuses to get out of the house to see me. Now, I feel like he considers me the biggest mistake he has ever made! I know I am probably being overly emotional and reading too much into his initial reaction. He did call me the next day to see if I wanted to talk anymore and I probably gave him a little bit of an attitude. He asked me if I really loved him. I didn't know where he was going with that but he basically wanted to know that if he got thrown out of his house, would I take him in? I said that I did love him and I wasn't sure if I would take him in only because I wanted him to be with me because he wanted to, not just because he had no place else to go! Am I being too hard on him? I just don't want to complicate things further but I feel guilty that his life is basically going to fall apart and I should be there to pick up the pieces! I am thinking of myself too because I am trying my best to keep my stress level at as much of a minimum as possible.

The hardest part is we work together at a small company. So, it is impossible for us to have a "breather" from each other for a while. Is that what we need? As you can see, I am a little confused! And, not quite sure how to take it from here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 12:53pm
Wow, that is a lot for you to have on your plate. I think you definitely did the right thing by telling him. I guess you really left the ball in his court. You have left the decision up to him. The fact that you guys work together does not make things much easier. But, an A takes two and you shouldn't have to suffer the consequences alone (I'm not saying that a baby is "suffering the consequences" by any means but he should face responsibility and not leave you stranded). He was just a part of this A as you were and I think giving him the option of "walking away" is BS. Why should he get off so easily and you have to face the music? He needs to be a man and take responsibility for his actions. Whether or not he tells his family is one thing, but financially that child is his responsibility. Keep us updated on his decision, your condition, and hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 1:11pm

I agree with Karen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 5:16pm
I've been in my A for 3+ yrs. now. Almost 2 yrs ago I became pregnant by my MM. I got the same reaction from him as your did from yours. It was all about him. Not a care about what I felt or wanted or needed, nothing. He pushed the abortion issue so hard. I didn't want to lose him and really believed at the time that it just wasn't the right time and he promised that there would be a right time down the road. Anyways, I did get the abortion. I hated doing it. I regret doing it. I'm still with him. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't resent him at least a little for it. You are a stronger person than me. What I do know is that no one will dictate again about if I keep my baby or not. You made the decision to keep your baby. If he really cares about you and loves you, he will be there. I think it probably will get worse before it gets better...relationship wise. But what really counts is that for you, this baby, whether planned or not was conceived in a caring and loving moment. I wish you luck.