Told MM: No sex w/ me if sex w/ W
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| Tue, 08-26-2003 - 9:39am |
Anyway, when it started out, I didn't think about how I might feel knowing that he does occasionally have sex with his wife. Last night, I realized: I find it absolutely disgusting to think of him having sex with her and with me. I wouldn't tolerate that when I was single and dating, so why would I tolerate it now?
I wrote him an email last night telling him that if he is going to continue to have sex with his wife, I can no longer have sex with him. Period. I told him that no matter what he says, he is enjoying sex with two women, and why should he get to do that? Other people have to make choices - if they choose a sex partner, they usually end up forsaking all others. If he wants to have his wife for a sex partner, then he can't have another sex partner, at least not me.
Anyone want to talk to me about this? I have not heard from him yet, and I wasn't able to sleep last night. Anyone feel me here?

But, we both knew this coming into this thing, he and his W rarely have sex anyway...lol, and I try really hard to keep everything at home the way it's always been...though, at times, this is hard and I have to make a geniune effort at it. But, for me it worth it, because I *don't* want to get caught, as this is just not an option for me at the time.
I would never force him into a decision about such a thing though...but that's just me. And yes....*at times* I feel bad... NOT about MM having sex w/ his W...but I just feel "cheapened" because I feel like "God, I'm having sex w/ two men" it just makes me feel like a tramp as I've never done anything like this before...I don't know if that makes sense or not, but...I know I'm just doing what I have to do right now in order to get through this thing and find out what I really want, which I know is MM...lol.
When he writes you back, I'd love to know what he does say about this...because I honestly don't know what I would do...if say...my MM told me something like this, I guess I would just be devastated as it basically would leave me no choice in the matter.
About what you said not tolerating it if you were single and dating, I agree with that too...but, it is a completely different situation you are in...it took me a while to see this too, cause I feel the same way as you about tolerating certain things, and there are still some things I won't put up with...but I have to sometimes step back and realize that...*I'm in a whole new world with this EMA and yes....we too have talked about being together and having a life at some point, so I think I can relate to what you are saying.
Good Luck to You, let us know how it goes
PR
I mean, YOU decided that there would be no sex in your marriage, right? Did your husband agree to this? Is he abusive?
Relationships are give and take and I wonder if your relationship with MM will be the same. I mean, you said "no sex" to H and now "no sex" to MM. Is it a control thing?
Just trying to understand.
If my OM had ever told me that for him to have sex with me, I'd have to give up sex with DH, I'd have told him not to ever expect to have sex with me. Who is he to tell me what I have to do or not do? Thank goodness, he is not like that.
Here are the potential consequences of your ultimatum: (1) he doesn't have sex with his wife; she eventually finds satisfaction elsewhere, which leads to who knows what kinds of ugly complications; or she wonders what's going on, which also leads to who knows what; or (2) he has sex with his wife but lies to you - that doesn't get you very far; or (3) he tells you what I'd have told my OM.
I agree with the previous poster. This sounds like controlling behavior.
Also if my H stopped having sex with me I would imediately think something was up, which if your MM is planning on leaving, he doesn't want to give W ammunition for the divorce. You made the choice not have have sex with your H. Don't force your beliefs on MM.
I agree with the other poster in that this is not single people dating, the rules are WAY different.
Good luck!
It's not about control though, girls. Here is my thought, and I conveyed it to him: If he is truly unhappy with his wife and wants to be with me, then why would he WANT to have sex with his wife anymore?
As it turns out, he thought that was a really good question, and he is considering a "sex strike". Up until the time when we had our convo, he thought that if she wanted to have sex, as her husband, he was obligated to do so, at least on occasion (it's been about twice a month for a while). My question made hi think to himself, do I really have that obligation? He does not want to have sex with her, he says. He does so out of obligation, trying to keep her peaceful since he cannot "be" with me anyway due to our geographical stuff now.
So, the upshot is that he is considering just saying "no" to sex with his W. He doesn't WANT to have sex with her anymore anyway, so it's not a great loss to him.
just me, but i would never interfere with my MM's home life. that's his decision. yes i understand when you say "this is different" but really is it? you are stuck in this in-between state for 3 more years. you are both staying in your current Rs for reasons you haven't shared, instead of leaving the Ms and being together. if that's not possible, you shouldn't dictate how he behaves.
your MM not having sex will certainly alert his W to something wrong in the M. don't be surprised if she becomes suspicious and starts giving MM a lot of crap and in return, he will be upset and angry. is that what you want for him?
if you both are staying where you are for the present, neither one of you should make your lives miserable.
jmho,
gurl
Hang in there!