Told MM: No sex w/ me if sex w/ W

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Told MM: No sex w/ me if sex w/ W
7
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 9:39am
I am married and not having sex with H anymore - not for a year. I just decided that I don't want to anymore, I don't feel love for my H so I don't want to "make love" with him. I have been involved with MM for only about a month, although we have been best friends for a long time - never expected it to turn into an affair, never wanted an affair, etc. We began this affair with the intention of being together within the next three years. This is not a fling, not a sexually-based thing. Our goal is to have a life together. OK, that's the background.

Anyway, when it started out, I didn't think about how I might feel knowing that he does occasionally have sex with his wife. Last night, I realized: I find it absolutely disgusting to think of him having sex with her and with me. I wouldn't tolerate that when I was single and dating, so why would I tolerate it now?

I wrote him an email last night telling him that if he is going to continue to have sex with his wife, I can no longer have sex with him. Period. I told him that no matter what he says, he is enjoying sex with two women, and why should he get to do that? Other people have to make choices - if they choose a sex partner, they usually end up forsaking all others. If he wants to have his wife for a sex partner, then he can't have another sex partner, at least not me.

Anyone want to talk to me about this? I have not heard from him yet, and I wasn't able to sleep last night. Anyone feel me here?

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 10:18am
Sometimes it me if I really, really think hard about MM having sex with W too. << That's why I try not to do it that often..lol. I guess everyone is different, my MM says he hates to think about me with H too, but we are both married and right now.. and for the near future there's nothing that either of us can do about our situations.

But, we both knew this coming into this thing, he and his W rarely have sex anyway...lol, and I try really hard to keep everything at home the way it's always been...though, at times, this is hard and I have to make a geniune effort at it. But, for me it worth it, because I *don't* want to get caught, as this is just not an option for me at the time.

I would never force him into a decision about such a thing though...but that's just me. And yes....*at times* I feel bad... NOT about MM having sex w/ his W...but I just feel "cheapened" because I feel like "God, I'm having sex w/ two men" it just makes me feel like a tramp as I've never done anything like this before...I don't know if that makes sense or not, but...I know I'm just doing what I have to do right now in order to get through this thing and find out what I really want, which I know is MM...lol.

When he writes you back, I'd love to know what he does say about this...because I honestly don't know what I would do...if say...my MM told me something like this, I guess I would just be devastated as it basically would leave me no choice in the matter.

About what you said not tolerating it if you were single and dating, I agree with that too...but, it is a completely different situation you are in...it took me a while to see this too, cause I feel the same way as you about tolerating certain things, and there are still some things I won't put up with...but I have to sometimes step back and realize that...*I'm in a whole new world with this EMA and yes....we too have talked about being together and having a life at some point, so I think I can relate to what you are saying.


Good Luck to You, let us know how it goes

PR

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 10:38am
Are you planning to leave your H?

I mean, YOU decided that there would be no sex in your marriage, right? Did your husband agree to this? Is he abusive?

Relationships are give and take and I wonder if your relationship with MM will be the same. I mean, you said "no sex" to H and now "no sex" to MM. Is it a control thing?

Just trying to understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 2:44pm
When you give an ultimatum, you'd better be prepared to follow through.

If my OM had ever told me that for him to have sex with me, I'd have to give up sex with DH, I'd have told him not to ever expect to have sex with me. Who is he to tell me what I have to do or not do? Thank goodness, he is not like that.

Here are the potential consequences of your ultimatum: (1) he doesn't have sex with his wife; she eventually finds satisfaction elsewhere, which leads to who knows what kinds of ugly complications; or she wonders what's going on, which also leads to who knows what; or (2) he has sex with his wife but lies to you - that doesn't get you very far; or (3) he tells you what I'd have told my OM.

I agree with the previous poster. This sounds like controlling behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 3:20pm
I would never tell my MM not to have sex with his W. I'm lucky though I guess, he and his wife haven't been intimate in over 5 yrs. We were friends before the affair and he talked about it then too so I know it's not a ploy! lol Anyway, I really don't think we have any right to tell someone not to have sex. We need to realize that yes we love the men, BUT we are the OW. My husband and I have a pretty decent sex life, do I offer details to MM? No! He doesn't ask and I don't want to hurt him. Sometimes you need to just ignore the thoughts, easier said than done I know.

Also if my H stopped having sex with me I would imediately think something was up, which if your MM is planning on leaving, he doesn't want to give W ammunition for the divorce. You made the choice not have have sex with your H. Don't force your beliefs on MM.

I agree with the other poster in that this is not single people dating, the rules are WAY different.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 10:21pm
I hear you guys, when you say the rules are different in EMAs. The thing is, my EMA is different - it really is - because my MM and I view it as different. We view ourselves as working toward the goal of being together. He is completing his graduate degree in another state and should be back in the same state within the next three years. Until then, well, we are making all efforts to remain connected and see each other as much as possible and work towards our goal.

It's not about control though, girls. Here is my thought, and I conveyed it to him: If he is truly unhappy with his wife and wants to be with me, then why would he WANT to have sex with his wife anymore?

As it turns out, he thought that was a really good question, and he is considering a "sex strike". Up until the time when we had our convo, he thought that if she wanted to have sex, as her husband, he was obligated to do so, at least on occasion (it's been about twice a month for a while). My question made hi think to himself, do I really have that obligation? He does not want to have sex with her, he says. He does so out of obligation, trying to keep her peaceful since he cannot "be" with me anyway due to our geographical stuff now.

So, the upshot is that he is considering just saying "no" to sex with his W. He doesn't WANT to have sex with her anymore anyway, so it's not a great loss to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 2:40pm
hi. i'm going to jump in here and say that yes, it would be great for your mental health if your MM followed through with the "sex strike" but what good does that do for him? he's stuck in another state, probably working and going to school so he's stressed out and now he's going to upset the balance at home by refusing to have sex perhaps 2x a month. if he's just waiting to leave, you should encourage him to maintain the status quo of the R with his W. if he cannot leave for whatever reason(s), he still has 3 years to stay with her. that's a long time as you well know. and obviously you're staying in your M until MM returns.

just me, but i would never interfere with my MM's home life. that's his decision. yes i understand when you say "this is different" but really is it? you are stuck in this in-between state for 3 more years. you are both staying in your current Rs for reasons you haven't shared, instead of leaving the Ms and being together. if that's not possible, you shouldn't dictate how he behaves.

your MM not having sex will certainly alert his W to something wrong in the M. don't be surprised if she becomes suspicious and starts giving MM a lot of crap and in return, he will be upset and angry. is that what you want for him?

if you both are staying where you are for the present, neither one of you should make your lives miserable.

jmho,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 2:54pm
Yeah, I think I agree with most of the replies here. Why would he want to have sex with her? Well, it may not be that he wants to have sex with HER, just that like most men he needs sex to stay sane...be content. If he's in grad school (been there.. although I never finished!!), he may need it to keep himself balanced and less stressed. Try to be supportive of him. I know it's hard to imagine him having sex with someone else, but it's just sex...just a release. I'm not sure if that helped.

Hang in there!