told my best friend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
told my best friend...
8
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:32am
I've been thinking over telling my best friend about my A for a while, and seriously weighing it ever since I moved out. I even asked here about everyone's experience doing the same. Those experiences seemed mixed, but most agreed that following my instinct based on how well I knew my friend was important.

Tuesday was a bad day. The W went to therapy and insisted on sharing with me with the information she'd gotten; I think she believes that by telling me her therapy findings I will change my mind. But as St. Augustine said, "It is one thing to see the land of peace from a distant hill, and another to travel the road that leads to it."

For whatever reason I finally snapped, got selfish and self righteous, and told her that the things her therapist told her were causing her unhappiness were, by and large, the same things I told her last year. A fight ensued (because gawd forbid I would be right.)

Just all of a sudden I decided I was tired of all of it. My best friend and his wonderful wife have told me how they think I'm this tower of fortitude since I've moved out and I'm not cracking up and how I'm a saint for still doing things for the W. Decided I wasn't going to be a hypocrit any more, so I went straight from work to their house and went to eat with my best friend.

Afterwards, I told him all of it. The whole 16 month story. And I figured good Catholic boy would deliver a firm lecture. Turns out I was wrong. He says he doesn't feel morally comfortable telling me to get a divorce so he wouldn't say anything... but did tell me what a completely changed person I've been since August when she moved here. He said he had been talking to his wife about what kind of person I would be happy with and who they thought I'd end up with after a D, and that she sounds like almost an exact match.

He's a bit of a skeptic, but I told him all of the reasons I thought we were meant to be together and Soul Mates (if such a thing exists.) He admitted there was some compelling evidence and that God works in mysterious ways. Then my usually judgemental, often chilly friend said he loved me and just wanted me to be happy. Freaked me out. LOL. Fifteen years, each other's best man, and I've never heard such things...

I went back to the OW's at 11 or so and told her what I'd done, and it was like putting too bright a light in your reading lamp. She was completely elated, overloaded and happy. And this morning I woke up really very happy and content, like I'm finally coming out of a tunnel. I can't believe how good it felt to tell someone close to me everything about this woman. I think I was prepared to just give up everyone and everything else at this point if I had to; she's become that important to me. Just very blessed my friend has grown enough to deal with this too.

As always, thanks for reading... I just wanted to share some light news and happiness, maybe a little hope for everyone who is going through tough times.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 10:02am
Rain,

I am so glad that you were able to get all of that off of your chest. It feels good, doesn't it? And it is wonderful that your friend did not judge or berate you. You do find out who your true friends are in situations such as these.

I have a couple of people that I talk to. My sister is the best. And since my xA is now out in the open with my H, I have also told my mother. In retrospect, my H says that he will never tell anyone, although I feel he needs to talk to someone. He says that he doesn't want his friends or family to look at me differently.

At this point, I really don't care what people think of me. As far as I'm concerned, I feel like a weight has been lifted (although replaced with a new one), and if anyone wants to judge me, they can go right ahead - but when they end up in a similar situation (which could be highly possible) they can "eat their words". I know that I have definitely eaten words I've spoken - and this situation has made me more conscious of thinking before I speak, and to refrain an opinion unless I've personally experienced a similar occurrence.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I believe this is just the next step to you reaching a higher level, as I'm sure you will agree, given the response you received from OW.

I'm happy for you

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:12am
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Edited 4/24/2004 3:51 pm ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:35am
Morning, Rain.... I have also been struggling with this issue, and your experience was really great to hear. I've finally decided, though, that telling someone would just put too much risk into the mix for me. Lord knows there's already enough risk. Of course, I'm not in the situation you are having left your current R, and moving into a new chapter of the R with OW. I only mention this as a caution to everyone. Sometimes telling is a liberating and wonderful thing. Sometimes telling can be a disaster. I think we all just need to assess our own situations and err on the side of caution. I know, I know.. don't mean to be a wet blanket. I really am so happy for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:33pm
I am proud of you. I havnen't told my best friend yet...don't know if I want to. For so long, I have denied it, and only admitted to having an emotional connection to my OM. Even my H knows about that connection, but no one knows of the actual truth behind the A. No one knows that I am leaving my M...finally getting happy on my own...but all the while starting a relationship with another person who I am devoted to. I almost want everyone to just see me get a D and then see the A turn into something...not the other way around. Maybe I can draw some courage from you....Good luck - and keep us posted. I love reading about your happenings...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 6:50pm
Rain,

What relief comes through in your post! I often feel that if I could just tell someone about the A it would help so much. At times I have considered talking to my dad...he had an affair about 9 years ago, mom found out and they divorced. Dad is now married to the OW. However, this is something that other than posting here will most likely go w/ me to the grave. MM and I promised each other we would never tell anyone for fear it would get back to my H / his W.

How wonderful for you that you have a friend you can trust like that. It sounds like things are slowly but surely getting better for you!

Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 7:23pm
Hi rain

I just wanted to let you know how important a gift that was that you gave your OW.

My MM told his best friend about us and that if he were free he would be with me. As the OW that was a validation of his feelings for me. It helped me increase my trust in him

I just wanted to post this, and to tell you congratulations on being able to come out in the open about your feelings to someone who is close to you

SB

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 8:45pm
Rain,

In my case, MM and I said we would say nothing to anyone, for fear of being found out. My sister knew, MM knew she knew, but she lived in a completely different town miles away, so it wasn't a big deal.

This was all fine, until one day in class my cell phone rings "Private" and I answer it and it is MM's best friend. Whom I know only slightly. We talk and he says that this # was on his cell phone and wonders if I called him. I am mortified for a minute because I have no idea if MM's W is standing over him with MM's cell phone bill....making him call to see who will answer. So I play it cool and tell his friend that I've had duty at noon and he must have come into my class room to use my computer and saw my phone and called him......... as soon as our conversation is over I run for MM. Panicked. He tells me it is ok cause his best friend is in "the know". I really suspected this because most people do finally confide in their best friends. If you are very close to them and feel you can trust them with your life. Anyway, I was panicked but only for a little bit. MM had denied many times that his best friend knew and he felt terrible admitting to me that he wasn't honest about it. But, I felt great that he had done it. It seemed to confirm to me that this was "real" to him. He told me that one day when I was at his house to show my sister a pony, his friend was there and he said that his friend "just knew" by the way we looked at each other there was more than friendship here. He said that his friend could just tell by the way he looked at me, cause he knows MM that well. That kinda warmed my heart.

Now, the day I told my best friend was a couple weeks earlier actually. She has been envolved with the same MM for 15 years. Ever since she was in high school. She has been married and divorced twice, but always has been with MM. (That is a story in itself) I came back from Christmas break and things were really heating up in the A. I also knew that my best friend was friends with MM's W and so I was hesitant to reveal anything. But, come to find out my best friend actually HATES MM's W. With a passion. After finding this out, I thought about it for a few days and then decided I could confide in her. Boy, I was so nervous, my heart was in my throat. But she was only shocked by the fact that I had waited a year to tell her and the WHO didn't quite sink in for a few hours. She was floored. Shocked. She kept asking me REALLY? It was quite funny. After informing her I found out numerous things about MM and his W. My best friend grew up with W and was there from the on start of the marriage. Also, a mutual friend W confided in was confiding in my best friend....telling all MM's marriage secrets. I got to be quite knowledgeable on some things....including the fact that the W had slept with many men before getting married (she was trying to get pregnant) and MM just happened to be the unlucky guy..........also that W has done a little fooling around of her own, she really hates her marriage. Sometimes I wonder if I know too much. It can be bad and good at the same time.

Just putting in my thoughts. But I agree that you made OW feel great!!!! I am sure it gives her a warm heart knowing that you told someone about her and how wonderful she is. Good luck on everything. You deserve happiness

Kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 8:58pm
Rain,

I'm a new member here but I think there is something about you that is so appealing to all the women members. I can tell from the few posts of yours that I've read that you have made a lot of big sacrifices lately, but you are so candid in saying that you still don't know if you're on the right path or not. In doing that, I think you articulate a lot of things that everybody feels, you're just unusually good at expressing it...it's such a reassuring thing to hear a male perspective on all this. You write just like my OMM writes...it's comforting to read. I know that seems like a weird thing to say.

Re: telling friends, I personally think it's much easier for men. Men are SO much better at keeping secrets. My OMM has told 3 friends about us, and when I ask him if he ever worries that a friend will betray his trust, he looks at me like I'm nuts, and says "why would he do that to me?" He just KNOWS he can count on these men. I'm jealous of that...he has a sounding board that I know I will never have. I do have one very close girlfriend who I know would never betray me, but I feel that it's unfair to tell her and put her in a position of keeping a secret from my H, whom she really likes. But recently, my OMM had a health problem that was very frightening. At one point he was called into his doc's office for an emergency consultation based on some tests, and I knew he was going home right after (where I can't call him) and that I would not know what had happened until the next day. I was very distraught and so I told my best friend about him and my worries, but I just said he was a new, close male friend. It was so good to be able to share my worries with someone. She probably suspects, from my level of anxiety over him, that there is something more to the relationship but she will never ask and I know I can never tell.

Anyway, rambling, but I'm glad for you, Rain.