Told my Mother

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Told my Mother
17
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 1:32pm
Charlotte




Edited 6/6/2004 10:09 am ET ET by charlotte1203

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 2:11pm
Charlotte,

I guess you have to ask yourself, "why am I staying?" I'm sitting here asking myself the same thing. I have three reasons: they are 12, 10 and 8. Today is one of those where I find myself wondering though how much more of this I can take. You have those too I'm sure. Do you have kids? I see many philosophies on whether to stay together for the kids or not. Every situation is unique, so the answer is really on a case by case basis. In my case my kids have a lot to lose so I shouldn't be so selfish. Your mom is right. If you want to improve your marriage, you're not going to do it with another man in your life. I know you don't like hearing that but do you think you could ever give your husband a fair chance if he is constantly compared to a "reference case" you have very high regard for? What do you lose out on if you leave? No one ever said it would be easy, but I sure as hell didn't expect this. I don't think any of us did. Weigh all the positives and negatives and keep going over them. Unless it's a life threatening situation, you always have time to think these things through. Hasty decisions lead to disaster. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 7:18pm
I have been having an affair for 3 months now, with a wonderful guy who is also married. I know it is wrong, but there is so much chemistry and attraction there. I told my dad. I have always been able to talk to him. His response totally shocked me. He told me that it happens to good people and he knows I am a good person and he knows that I love my husband of 20 yrs. dearly, he also told me that I am going to have to decide what I want and go from there. It is hard. I don't know why it happened, but I don't want it to end and at the same time I don't want to lose my husband. Maybe it is the excitement of the whole thing, we have a hard time keeping our eyes and hands off of each other when at work. Only one person at work knows. He is a good friend and he figured it out early on but gave me his word that he wouldn't say anything, he just wants us to be careful and doesn't want me to get hurt. Good luck trying to figure everything out, it is hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 7:31pm
Charlotte, dear... What could I tell you that you don't already know yourself? There was something that brought you and your husband together in the first place and only you can decide if that "something" is still there and is worth saving. Staying just for children's sake - I honestly don't know, I did it myself and spent 10 years of my life in a disastrous marriage doing my darnedest to be a good father, and now, looking back, I am not sure I did the right thing. My relationship with my son who is 20 now has been very rocky to say the least, he is distant and I am lucky if I get to see him twice a year and get a phone call on my birthday.

As far as not wanting to give up your man - you probably know by now how I feel about it. Two minutes of elation are better than years of misery. Having that special person in your life somewhat is still better than not having them at all. Why should we deliberately deprive ourselves of happiness? we don't have that much of it anyway! It's our life for God's sake, and it's the only one we have and I don't care how egotistic this sounds.

I am not sure all this makes much sense and it most likely sounds very stupid. As I said, I am not good at giving advice. But my support and a cyber shoulder for you to cry on - anytime.

Thanks for giving me your email address, would it be fair to you to burden you with my problems when you have so much on your plate?

Gabriel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 9:27pm
Gabriel

Thanks…I really appreciate you giving your advice/perspective; I have a lot of thinking to do and every bit helps! Emails are no burden. I know it’s difficult to really get things off your chest on a board like this. OK? I’ll keep my address up a bit longer so you can jot it down (but then I’m going to delete it -- don’t want some crazy cyber-stalker out there emailing me!)

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 9:30pm
lostvoyage

If I remember correctly, you aren’t having an affair. Right? Just thinking about it? I have two children, and they are a very big part of the reason I stay -- but not the only reason. My marriage is more good than bad, but I think most of the good comes from the kids. Maybe you understand? Giving up on the dream of a family is no easy thing to do.

You hang in there too.



tempted

You keep thinking too…it’s new and exciting now -- be careful, take it slow, and keep your emotions in check. OK? Thanks so much for your response!


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 10:01pm
Got it, thanks again. You can delete it now. I just may get the nerve to email you someday. I am not sure that what I said could be of any help to you given how screwed-up I am.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 10:16pm
You are not screwed up! If you’re screwed up then I am REALLY screwed up! You’re in love and I think (from what you’ve told us here) that you are doing your very best to stay strong and positive in a situation that can make anyone feel insane. You have my email…

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 11:51pm
Charlotte,

I totally sympathize with you. When I told my mother, she told me the exact same thing. I know that I should do it, and work to save my marriage, but I can't do it. I need MM in my life. We both agreed that we need each other on some level even though we know it can destroy us. He is my best friend. My entire mood changes when I am around him, I forget, I am happy, and I know he feels the same way. I really hate myself for feeling this way, but I cannot help the way I feel. Even two minutes alone with him is better than no time at all.

If anyone had told me this would have ever happened to me, I would have said no way. I was so sure I had the perfect marriage. I hate the gulit I feel, I hate sneaking around, I hate plotting and scheming and lying, I hate the fear that his W or my H will find out but then I ask myself, "What's the alternative?" and the alternative is to cut him from my life and I cannot do it.

Why must people think all affairs are sordid and dirty and are meant to hurt others? Why can't it be that two people find themselves in circumstances that they cannot get out of and need to turn to each other for some comfort, some understanding, some affection? Am I wrong to feel this way? I love this MM and I know he loves me, so what's so sordid? But believe me, I go through days where I completely hate myself.

I am so glad I found this board because I know it will help me keep my sanity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 1:21am
I guess it depends on what your definition of an affair is. We haven't had sex yet but it's been everything else. Anyway, it's a lot more complicated than that. Unfornately my marriage has been more bad than good, but all in all the kids are not affected by it too much, at least from what I can see. Like you, all the good is mostly from them.

I have thought about discussing things with my mom, but she hates my wife so I don't know if I would get any objective advice. My parents split up when I was 16. I think that it was a long time coming and my dad held off. To be honest, I'm glad he did. It at least allowed me to gain some footing in life and we still have a great relationship. How did things ever get so messed up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 9:43am
Charlotte - you are a brave soul to tell your mother. I cannot bring myself to do it - I am very sure of my mom's reaction would be -- all hell will break loose - lol. Looks like your R is heading towards a new phase. Expect some up and downs than normal and you will make through it, I'm sure. Vent all you want and we are here always for you. Good Luck!

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