It is a mess, and so damn confusing. I worry a lot about my kids. Like you, I don't think they are affected by the problems in my marriage...but I'm not sure. They see and sense so much more than we think.
As far as confiding in someone (especially if you do not want to discuss it with your mother)...be CAREFUL. You know though, your Mother might be more objective than you think. I told my Mother because I know I can trust her not to tell anyone.
Also, I think you are the first person I have seen on this board that is happy that his/her parents held off on divorcing. You really think it helped you?
They are not all sordid. You hang in there...you've found a place here where there are many kind and supportive people around to help you through!
juliet
Thanks hon! I don't feel too brave. I was completely shocked at how understanding my Mom was. My Mother has been married over 35 years, and she said just about ALL couples go through this in one way or another (I found out my parents did too). Some stay...some go...Oh well...thanks again.
I am so with you. I am friends with my MM above all, and I cannot let go of that. It has been almost a week since I've talked to him, and 25 days since the last time we had sex, and I am dying inside. I know I should be working on my M, but I am still unsure if that is what I truly want. This is so incredibly difficult, and my H knows now, and it makes it all the more difficult, because he wants a decision, and bugs me 24/7 for one. Hang in there, and I will too.
I just wrote a detailed reply to your question and my op system crashed. WTF! Well let's try this again......
My parents fought a lot when I was growing up. I was always terrified that they would split up. I guess I was scared because I am an only child and I was truley alone. No hands to hold, no one to talk to, just me. Anyway, they held out until right around my 16th birthday. I honestly believe I learned so much more than I would have in a "shared custody" situation. Both of them were always around; to talk about school, to answer my questions, to teach me about life. And although I knew long before the break-up things were far from ideal, they weren't all that bad. Certainly if there were knives and axes flying through the air everyday, then it is time to end it, but there was none of that growing up and there is none of that here now.
Part of our job as parents is to protect our kids from whatever form of harm is thrown their way. In my situation, two is better than one, even though we don't get along. My wife is a great mom. The best. I like to think I'm a good dad. At least my kids think so and that's where it matters. I truley believe it is the right thing to do, even if it is at the expense of my happiness and peace of mind. I say this because I used to be a volunteer fireman. In the 20 years with the fire company I witnessed soooo much pain and suffering. I could talk to you for hours about it. From this I realize that life deals out many tradgedies in various forms and we have to learn how to cope with them as best we can. It can be summed up in a verse from a John Mellencamp song: "Days turn to minutes, and minutes to memories. Life strips away the dreams we have planned. You are young and you are the future, so suck it up and tough it out, do the best that you can."
You seem to be of the "stick it out for the kids sake" mindset. Tell me, what do you see as the main reasons for this?
Thanks for filling me in on the story of your parents. You are definitely right that I am of the “‘stick it out for the kids sake’ mindset,” and I think you pretty much summed up most my reasons for my stance on this! -- I also believe that two is better than one (no knife or axe flying here either!), and like you, I have a spouse that is a great parent. He’s a truly wonderful Father, and I think my kids are better off having two full-time parents rather than only one.
I think I’ve also said it before on here somewhere…I just can’t give up on my dream of a family. We’ve worked so hard to make a life together, so I (and H) “suck it up and tough it out, do the best that you (we) can." (Great quote, by the way -- love Mellencamp…hated him as a teen, but love him now).
There are also other 'little' things I think about if my H and I were to split…ruined holidays (sure, people can make the best of them, but they’re never the same), new girlfriends and boyfriends the kids would have to deal with, possible stepchildren -- just one big mess (I would think). I’m just not interested in putting my children through this kind of confusion for my happiness.
You seem like a quite a strong person…I hate when people who are involved in affairs are labeled as weak – hell, I think many of us have to be incredibly strong!
So what’s the story with this woman you are involved with? Is it moving towards a sexual relationship? If so, BE CAREFUL!!
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It is a mess, and so damn confusing. I worry a lot about my kids. Like you, I don't think they are affected by the problems in my marriage...but I'm not sure. They see and sense so much more than we think.
As far as confiding in someone (especially if you do not want to discuss it with your mother)...be CAREFUL. You know though, your Mother might be more objective than you think. I told my Mother because I know I can trust her not to tell anyone.
Also, I think you are the first person I have seen on this board that is happy that his/her parents held off on divorcing. You really think it helped you?
Charlotte
They are not all sordid. You hang in there...you've found a place here where there are many kind and supportive people around to help you through!
juliet
Thanks hon! I don't feel too brave. I was completely shocked at how understanding my Mom was. My Mother has been married over 35 years, and she said just about ALL couples go through this in one way or another (I found out my parents did too). Some stay...some go...Oh well...thanks again.
Charlotte
I just wrote a detailed reply to your question and my op system crashed. WTF! Well let's try this again......
My parents fought a lot when I was growing up. I was always terrified that they would split up. I guess I was scared because I am an only child and I was truley alone. No hands to hold, no one to talk to, just me. Anyway, they held out until right around my 16th birthday. I honestly believe I learned so much more than I would have in a "shared custody" situation. Both of them were always around; to talk about school, to answer my questions, to teach me about life. And although I knew long before the break-up things were far from ideal, they weren't all that bad. Certainly if there were knives and axes flying through the air everyday, then it is time to end it, but there was none of that growing up and there is none of that here now.
Part of our job as parents is to protect our kids from whatever form of harm is thrown their way. In my situation, two is better than one, even though we don't get along. My wife is a great mom. The best. I like to think I'm a good dad. At least my kids think so and that's where it matters. I truley believe it is the right thing to do, even if it is at the expense of my happiness and peace of mind. I say this because I used to be a volunteer fireman. In the 20 years with the fire company I witnessed soooo much pain and suffering. I could talk to you for hours about it. From this I realize that life deals out many tradgedies in various forms and we have to learn how to cope with them as best we can. It can be summed up in a verse from a John Mellencamp song: "Days turn to minutes, and minutes to memories. Life strips away the dreams we have planned. You are young and you are the future, so suck it up and tough it out, do the best that you can."
You seem to be of the "stick it out for the kids sake" mindset. Tell me, what do you see as the main reasons for this?
J
Thanks for filling me in on the story of your parents. You are definitely right that I am of the “‘stick it out for the kids sake’ mindset,” and I think you pretty much summed up most my reasons for my stance on this! -- I also believe that two is better than one (no knife or axe flying here either!), and like you, I have a spouse that is a great parent. He’s a truly wonderful Father, and I think my kids are better off having two full-time parents rather than only one.
I think I’ve also said it before on here somewhere…I just can’t give up on my dream of a family. We’ve worked so hard to make a life together, so I (and H) “suck it up and tough it out, do the best that you (we) can." (Great quote, by the way -- love Mellencamp…hated him as a teen, but love him now).
There are also other 'little' things I think about if my H and I were to split…ruined holidays (sure, people can make the best of them, but they’re never the same), new girlfriends and boyfriends the kids would have to deal with, possible stepchildren -- just one big mess (I would think). I’m just not interested in putting my children through this kind of confusion for my happiness.
You seem like a quite a strong person…I hate when people who are involved in affairs are labeled as weak – hell, I think many of us have to be incredibly strong!
So what’s the story with this woman you are involved with? Is it moving towards a sexual relationship? If so, BE CAREFUL!!
Charlotte
Edited 12/30/2003 1:27:26 PM ET by charlotte1203
If you really want to know, e-mail me at whatever that address is.
Edited 12/30/2003 6:46:28 PM ET by lostvoyage
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