Tonight

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Tonight
34
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 9:51pm

I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions...Is this a super special relationship or just a beginning of an end of a relationship. Tonight he calls me (like usual).  he tells me how much he misses he. How we didn't get to see each other the last 2 days. We work together and did but not as much as usual. we usully spend most of the day together but yesterday I had an off-site meeting that took most of the day and today he left erly for personal time. He did come back in for a mutual meeting.

 

He said how much he missed me and "wanted to know one thing. If I missed him too". I said yes but "it is what is is and italk to my friends (you) about this and I have to accept things as they are". He said "No it has to change. I can't live missing you as much as I do". OK...i don't know how much I should believe this as much as I want to

 

I still live in the throws of "its such a different specil relationship" to " Its juts an affair and i just supplementhis real love relationship with his wife"

 

anyone else?????

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to:
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 10:30pm

I can't help much because my XAP did not feel like that, but I can see how alluring and confusing it would be to have somebody say things like that to you.  It sounds like it is really messing with his head, too.  At least you are in the craziness together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
In reply to:
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 9:09am
My Gf was in your situation. Her AP loved her, but felt guilty ripping up his marriage, he was passive about it, hoping life would show him what he should do. He hoped his marriage would fizzle. My GF finally said goodbye, that she wouldn't and couldn't live her life in an affair. Her AP quickly realized he wanted a life with my GF. They are now married.

Only you can decide what world for you. Sometimes making your point know works and sometimes it has the opposite effect. You have to prepare yourself for both. You shouldn't settle for less then what you want in your life.

My GF wanted a real life, a real marriage and she went to bat for it. Believe me, it was one of the hardest and scariest things she has ever done. But she is living proof and also lucky to have found real love.

In my mind, I that is what your looking for, then you have to push for it. If your AP isn't on the same page, wouldn't you rather know sooner then later?

I know love, Is hard to walk away from and hard to get over, but if it is not going to fulfill your dreams or fit in your life style without making you feel torn up inside then why hold onto it? That isn't being true to you.

I say often here on the board, be true to yourself. If your not really being real in the A, how is it ever going to be a healthy, happy R, whether it is an A or real life R? Most people who get into A's have a false fronted R in their marriage. Why would you want that in an A too?

Best of luck (((hugs)))
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: janejosie
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 2:47pm

"I love him. I date other people but when I do I feel like I am betraying my real feelings dating these people. Plus I feel deceptive to the people I date. When I think of my A I feel in love but that I should expect more to have those feelings for someone. I feel like I sell some of my self worth for a person who will not really give me a relationship that I want. So I teeter BTW feeling that we are in a sort of "soul mate" situation to feeling like "actions speak louder than words". Up, Down, Up, Down I go"

I sure know that feeling!  It feels like a constant effort to try to care about somebody else, like you are swimming against the tide.  And then you beat yourself up and tell yourself you are stupid for loving somebody who isn't available, but it is very hard to change your heart.  I also feel like I am lying to the people I date.  They don't know that I currently love somebody already, and how involved he is in my life.  I think that is why I haven't let myself get serious with anyone yet.  I don't want to get to that point where I feel like I need to start revealing these things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 9:44pm
sireanita wrote:

I wonder why do you think he loves you and what is that special bond that holds you together ? In my case, I know the exact reason why my AP contemplates leaving and be with me. And according to him, his lack of desire for W can not be fixed (because she's trying to have sex with him and he says that it's not working). I really hope though that I'm not an idiot who believed a stupid lie, but he does seem very convincing....

I think that a person needs a convincing reason to leave the M and to be with someone else. Something serious must be missing with the W and he must be getting something with you that he really wants in his life and can't easily get (with other women). And he should be a person who thinks that he deserves to have it too, otherwise, he'll just stay where he is no matter how unhappy just not to hurt the other person/kids.

Sireanita, as you know I am the happily married one and AP is the singe partner in waiting, I want to chime into this thread and say that desire is not a valid enough reason for me to leave my marriage, it is a good reason to continue an affair, but not one to turn my life, my H and my children's lives, upside down and inside out for. I love both my AP and H immensely, as does your AP, and my desire without doubt points to AP, but it's going to take A LOT more than that for me to jump that fence.

Having said that, I have been with AP for close to 4 years, and it has been a full blown A, we see each other and have contact with each other regularly, as you seem to do with your AP. Being as deep as i am now I have come to realise that the longer I am with him, the deeper i go, and the more I can't be without him, he truly has been a wonderful man to me.

Now considering Sunny's girlfriend's example, it makes perfect sense, having to face the possibility of losing someone that you love so dearly would set you into gear, and make one come out of limboland. I mean I really can't say how i would react if AP gave me the ultimatum today, because I have not been put on the spot, but as one who says an outward NO right now, I could say YES when faced with losing him, I just don't know.

Sireanita and Singlegirl my advice and shared experience as the married AP with a single AP comes from a place of good intent,  I wish you well.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
In reply to:
Sun, 08-26-2012 - 12:07am
Sireanita, I believe my GF gave her AP the ultimatum at the 8th month mark. He was blowing hot and cold, which was making my GF a basket case, she wanted more then that. Both were still married at the time. She gave the ultimatum and proceeded with her divorce. She knew her marriage was over regardless and was ready to move on in life, with or without AP. In her case the A moved her divorce along faster. They married on the two year mark.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: janejosie
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 12:33am

"How can he really love me this much and miss me and make no plans to actually be with me?"

This is a good question, and at the root of it is something we argue about on here a lot.  For me, I don't get this sort of love.  Either you love somebody or you don't.  Of course, I understand the different shades and types of love, but ultimately, either your love is strong and you make it happen, or it isn't really love by my definition.  But then there are multiple people on her like tiramisu who say it is real and it does happen, so I have to believe it must be true for some people.  I have to say, I am glad I am not those people because that would suck to be able to feel that way about two people at the same time.  That would be pure hell in my book.  

I am very much a believer in actions though.  Words mean NOTHING...and that is coming from an English teacher!  Anyone can think of the right words to get a person to behave the way he wants her to.  And he may not even do it on purpose.  Give him some time and watch his actions.  They will ultimately tell you where you stand in his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
In reply to: lannmann
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 11:56am
janejosie wrote:

"How can he really love me this much and miss me and make no plans to actually be with me?"

This is a good question, and at the root of it is something we argue about on here a lot.  For me, I don't get this sort of love.  Either you love somebody or you don't.  Of course, I understand the different shades and types of love, but ultimately, either your love is strong and you make it happen, or it isn't really love by my definition.  But then there are multiple people on her like tiramisu who say it is real and it does happen, so I have to believe it must be true for some people.  I have to say, I am glad I am not those people because that would suck to be able to feel that way about two people at the same time.  That would be pure hell in my book.  

I am very much a believer in actions though.  Words mean NOTHING...and that is coming from an English teacher!  Anyone can think of the right words to get a person to behave the way he wants her to.  And he may not even do it on purpose.  Give him some time and watch his actions.  They will ultimately tell you where you stand in his life.

Hey English teacher :smileyhappy:

Good to hear you accept it for "some people". Yes, when tiramisu say's it's real, then it is real. Where the heck is she BTW? :smileywink:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
In reply to: lannmann
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 2:07pm
sireanita wrote:
lannmann wrote:

Hey English teacher :smileyhappy:

Good to hear you accept it for "some people". Yes, when tiramisu say's it's real, then it is real. Where the heck is she BTW? :smileywink:

Stop flirting with tiramisu !! :smileytongue:

Why?  jealous? :smileywink: I just can't... but I also have total faith in her... too bad she's taken :smileywink:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
In reply to: lannmann
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 10:43am
pleases32 wrote:

As usual, I may be lost.

:smileywink:

What kind of "flirting" do you speak of?

Just seems as if the enticing epicurean here has a taste for titillating tiramisu.

:smileytongue: 

Please, you're not lost at all :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 7:42am
janejosie wrote:

"How can he really love me this much and miss me and make no plans to actually be with me?"

This is a good question, and at the root of it is something we argue about on here a lot.  For me, I don't get this sort of love.  Either you love somebody or you don't.  Of course, I understand the different shades and types of love, but ultimately, either your love is strong and you make it happen, or it isn't really love by my definition.  But then there are multiple people on her like tiramisu who say it is real and it does happen, so I have to believe it must be true for some people.  I have to say, I am glad I am not those people because that would suck to be able to feel that way about two people at the same time.  That would be pure hell in my book.  

I am very much a believer in actions though.  Words mean NOTHING...and that is coming from an English teacher!  Anyone can think of the right words to get a person to behave the way he wants her to.  And he may not even do it on purpose.  Give him some time and watch his actions.  They will ultimately tell you where you stand in his life.

It is pure hell!!!

You wake up everyday knowing that you are deceiving two men that would do everything for you, and you would do everything for them (but not give up the other). You live with the daily thought  that the day will come where you will be revealed, and both men that you love immensely, will be crushed and changed forever, and they will despise you, and you will live knowing that you are the one who has damaged them.

I know that most of you find my situation perplexing, and i am probably judged by most as a selfish cakeeater, even on the MAS board, but believe when i say that this is not about sex, I love them both, I can't help how i feel.

Why do we all go by the notion that one can only love one? Does a mother love only one child?

Pages