Too busy for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Too busy for me
27
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 1:45pm
I haven't see mm for almost three weeks now, yesterday we were supposed to see each other but he was feeling too stressed and sick with work, so i told him not to. So today we are talking and all this time he's talking about all the problems at work, and not once mentions us or us getting together. I'm really annoyed how there's always something either too much work or some other things we has to take care after work. I feel empty, i got nothing from our phone conversation, not one sign of afection. I'm tired of trying to keep this relationship alive, but i can't do it alone. Lately there's always an excuse, priorities,etc, that always come before me. I love him but my needs are not being fulfilled...Should I simply give up this relationship?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 3:41pm
Hi Sally, yes I am playing that same game as you. I wait for him to suggest a day to get together. If I mention it, I leave it very vague and open ended. I don't want him to feel like I'm roping him in!! I think it works. Because after that long NC he DID get ahold of me. It was so hard not to be the first one. I mean, early on in the NC I did send a couple of messages, but then I stopped completely and waited for his move. And I try to remember this: if he really cares for you, he WILL see you again. I know this is true. I am patient, that is one thing I've learned in the last couple of months. I've waited this long to see him, guess I can stand waiting another week or so if I have to. take care.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 4:11pm
I've read this thread and I am not understanding something. This sounds like a lot of energy to me in terms of waiting and plotting kind of thing. Why is it worth this kind of stress? Or why are periods of no contact associated with stress? (This is a genuine question; I seriously would like an explanation). Is it because you have a sort of 'lower bounds' level of contact that you need from him or else you feel that he does not care?

I guess I just don't think about it that much. MM and I contact each other fairly regularly but there are periods when he gets swamped and periods when I get swamped, and when he's swamped I don't even think about it - just go about my own stuff. It's been many years of this....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 4:18pm
Its just that when you are accustomed to hearing from them and seeing him on a regular basis for a couple of years, then you don't see him for SEVERAL weeks? That hurts and makes you wonder if you'll see him again. Maybe its because I'm pretty new at this, but I do get stressed out when I don't hear from him for a long time. Does it really not bother you? But how long are we talking about here where you go without talking or seeing him? I mean, for me 7-10 weeks of not seeing each other is alot. When you were used to seeing each other every week. I'm trying to think in the long-term, which is that if it's meant to be, we'll continue seeing each other (when we can) for a long time.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 4:28pm
Yes, I am wondering the same thing. I'm new to this board so please forgive me for just butting in and blurting out my thoughts here...but I think the problem here is that some have forgotten what getting involved with a MM means. He's married and his marriage is his first priority. In most cases, I think it is unrealistic to think that the MM is really looking for "love" or a relationship at all. If he were soo miserable with his marriage, he'd divorce. Any man who has the balls to have an affair, knowing all the risk involved if caught, definitly would have the balls to leave his wife, if he really wanted too. Women have affairs for different reasons than men, generally. Men like the quest and the variety. Women generally are looking for companionship or more emotional needs to be met. Unfortunately, MM are not usually the best source of providing what women want and they end up getting hurt because of unrealistic expectations. For me, I had to keep myself in check, initially, to avoid getting hurt. And my MM was very good about keeping things real without hurting my feelings. A no strings attached realationship can be fun, but when you start adding strings, you'll soon find out that there's nothing to tie them to. I NEVER persued my MM. I let him come to me. That way there was no false sence of what was really going on. And I also dated other people, only getting together with MM when I was bored or in between real realationships. He knew this..I called him my "in between guy" and was happy to fill the role for me. So I think the best thing to do is to keep the emotions out. MM are not good candidates for totally fulfilling and loving relationships. After all, if they cheat on their WIVES, why would they treat you with any more repect? JMHO. Hope I didn't offend anyone.


Edited 10/3/2003 4:31:10 PM ET by issuesongoing
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 4:54pm
This is pretty much exactly the way I see it, too.

And your last statement is right on the money!

I'll admit that during the first year or two of my A I had unrealistic expectations and I ended up getting hurt (bad). But I've learned alot over the years of this.

A No Strings relationship might sound callous, but it's realistic. It does not mean we don't care a great deal about each other, because we care deeply for one another. I love him. I am secure that he loves me.

I view every bit of time that we do have together as something of himself that he's given to me, and of myself that I've given to him. There are no promises or expectations that things will be a certain way on either side, or even that we'll always be able to give it. But if and when it ever ends, I'll always have that. No one can ever take away what he has given me.

And it's meeting needs on both sides, not just his needs. I have thought for a long time about what needs he meets for me, and I can't put it into words. It's not (just) sex, though. (Certainly not in my case, since he lives on the west coast and I live on the east coast). But outside of the times when we are able to get together in person, we talk every day (when we can) and over the past seven years we've shared so much of our lives together that it's incredible.

That said, I don't even know if I would pursue MM if he and I were suddenly single. It works this way (and it took a lot of work to get it this way) but I honestly don't know if it would work if we were in a 'real' relationship. I don't think I would want to try.

Kari

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 4:57pm
I'm in a long distance A, so my interpretation of frequency of seeing each other would be different from yours. But yes, if you've been used to seeing him weekly then suddenly it was several months, then I can see your point, definitely.

One thing to keep in mind though, if it helps, is that things DO change throughout the weeks and years of the A. Does not necessarily mean he wants out... it is just an inevitable rollercoaster of change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 5:12pm
I totally agree with you about having a REAl relationship with my MM. I wouldn't want him. I couldn't trust him. I know him better than his own wife, probably, but he doesn't have the character for a trully loving and devoted relationship. And if that's what I want, he's not the man for me. But don't get me wrong. I really care about him. He's a great friend..I wrote about him in my own post. But for me to think he'd drop everything for me is just rediculous and I'd be a fool to think that. Having the affair really changed me, and I'm not sure all the changes were for the best. I'm remarried now and 2 years later, MM is still trying to get in my pants. I've never been a cheater, myself, and I really don't want to be one. But I'd be lying if I said I wanted my MM to go away. I get some things from him that I don't get from anyone else. And it's hard to give that up. I'm having my own delima regarding him right now. But I'm not quite ready to go to the "ending my affair" boards yet....I'm not really having one, but the potential is there, and like I said, I'm not sure I want to tell him never speak to me again. I'd never even contemplate cheating before...that's what I mean about the affair changed me. It seems that I've lost some integrity...but have no shame about it. I guess my heart has become cold in some ways.

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