this is too hard

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
this is too hard
2
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 7:12pm

I

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 7:51pm
Your are not selfish. Only you know what you are going through and have deal with his absenses from your life. Its hard to for a long time in an LDA. Its really trying on your nerves, if you have to put your life on hold for him. Its not fair. Its best to move on if enough is enough..
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 12:33pm
Hi there!

I am an "old" member of the board, and was just looking for the familiar faces and to see what is happening, and came across your message.

I can relate to how you are feeling - I also thought I'd compliment you on keeping your sense of humor too on the "kids are grown" comment! LOL!

Any way, long ago one of the wise women who used to be our CL said that once it starts hurting too much, then it's time to really take stock and decide whether it's worth the pain. Love shouldn't have pain involved - disappointment, yes, but never pain, so if it truly is becoming too hard, you need to do a gut check and decide what's best for you in the long run.

After four years, it will be especially difficult to make that break, if that's what you end up deciding to do.

I'm sure he is busy with work, and the fact that he is now home-based doesn't help matters much at all. But he also has to realize that what you have isn't just an A after four years and it is a relationship that needs tending and attention, just like other relationships in his life (not necessarily the one between himself and W, but kids, friends, co-workers, etc.) - every person that is actively involved in your 'life' is a relationship, and you fit into that category, too, whether or not it can be recognized by others....

Again, I think you need to make some decisions, arrange a time to talk to him, and get his responses/input and then go from there - with either staying in status quo or moving on.

That's my two cents any way....

Just a little background on me - I am single after leaving my ex after 19+ years, involved with MM, but from the beginning it was laid out that he would never leave W - and I accepted that completely and live with that. Yes, it's hard knowing he will never be mine and some days that's harder than others, but it's the way it is. The reason I said I could relate to less contact is that MM got ratted out last fall, so the leash was tightened. He still steals away to make calls - usually daily since he's out and about locally for work, he can call from the car, and randomly stop by too! Tee-hee. So, there's a bit about me.

Good luck to you whatever you decide. Continue to post. I'll check back on you from time to time to see how things are going. Just know that you have a great support system here on the site - sometimes it just helps to type it out - kind of makes you think things through as you do it.

Best wishes!

Jill