torn

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2014
torn
7
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 9:56pm

I have a wonderful bf (well now). We been together 10 years and have 2 kids. We have had a few rough patches but now he is my best friend. He's supportive and treats me good. We have amazing sex and cant see myself without him.

My confession is for the past 4 years I've had an affair with a taken man. It started out just sex... Kinky, dirty sex you see only see in xxx videos. But over the years if has turned into more.  I mean emotions that have led to those 3 dreaded words " I love you". These emotions have caused jealousy and craziness within this affair and even though its exciting  i just can't do it anymore. I love this man. He's spontaneous, smart, great sense of humor, has a great job, is good looking, great in bex and is great father. He is everything a woman dreams of. But he will never leave his gf despite the fact his gf and him have only been together for 6 months longer than him and I have been seeing each other. That alone makes me feel worthless to him.

He says he loves me. He says he needs me and cant go a day without me. We haven't had sex in a year and that doesn't phase him. He still says all those things that make my heart melt. I want to leave. I've tried leaving and can't. But one thing I've never tried is leaving cold turkey. Disappearing out of nowhere. Just one day (tomorrow) end contact.no more phone calls, texts, emails. Nothing. Would it be wrong for me to end a 4 yr afraidby simply disappearing and not telling him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: torn123
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 11:59pm

That is exactly how you end an affair.  You end it!  You can tell him first, but then you cut off all contact, phone, computer, EVERYTHING.  There  are very few women who have affairs that don't eventually think they love the a/p.  Women are built that way.  If you look at it clear headedly, he refuses to leave his g/f of 4-5 years......so that means that SHE is the important one in his life, not you.  Occasionally, affairs start, and both partners leave their respective spouses.  If they don't leave the spouse, then you aren't anything but a sex partner.  It's easy to say the word love.......it's just a word.  You said it, he said it back.  It means nothing.  He's a cheater, cheating on his girlfriend.........and if you two got together, he'd probably cheat on you too.  Meantime, he'll say whatever he thinks you want to hear.....to keep you dangling.  Put on your big girl panties, and work on your relationship with your best friend.  This other guy was your worst friend........because he used you all these years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2014
In reply to: torn123
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 7:45am

Well isn't that an eye opener. Thank you!!!!  I've known it but have been in denial. It feels good hearing it from someone else.  I feel guilty and sad. Like possibly im going to hurt my lover by leaving him. but i hate how i feel and i dont need this stress. Now the hard part is to make this stick.  been down this road once or twice and i have horrible willpower. I suck at this part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: musiclover12
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 11:05am

Does your AP care about hurting you by not leaving his GF?  And what if he suddenly said that he would?  You say you & your BF are now in a great relationship and you have kids together--would you break up with him for the AP (who you know you couldn't trust)?  I think the only way to stop the affair is to go cold turkey and not have any contact with him--and you probably need to block him from contacting you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2006
In reply to: torn123
Sat, 06-28-2014 - 11:51am

Hi Torn. Your heart is wrenched and you are feeling confused. Love is a wonderful and dangreous thing isn't it? First, were I you, I wouldn't pay much attention to advice givers here whose anger and bitterness in the form of a supposed frank opinion either belittles you or makes you feel badly. There are some people on this board who feel it is their job to not support those in an affair, but to point out every way an affair is harmful to you, the AP and everyone else. This is not supportive, it is their own issue for which they should seek professional help. But this is the internet and well, anyone can say anything.

Back to you. from the experience of someone who has ended affairs in the past, there is no one way to exit an affair, just like there is no one way to exit any relationship. In my mind what one should consider is what is best for you. Why? Too frequently we become so concerned about hurting the other that we continue to let oursleves experience impact of the stress. So please consider what is best for you and act accordingly.

How did I end an affair, I just stopped the communication (this was best for me) except a final note to wish her well. How was an affair ended with me? A note explaining why the relationship needed to end (what was best for her) and that contact was now over.

You're in a challenging spot. Do what's best for you. Goods luck!

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: torn123
Sun, 06-29-2014 - 2:07am

Hi Torn :)

I think that, if you've tried to leave in the past, but keep getting drawn in by his persistence and/or your own weakness for him, then going full on no contact may have to be the route for you.

If it makes you feel better to at least tell him it's over, I wouldn't talk face to face or on the phone, but send an email with a simple "This isn't working for me. I wish you the best."...that way you are both on the same page...and you don't have to worry about him trying to come to find you...because he's worried about you.

Then, block every avenue of communication...shut it all down. It works two fold. It'll prevent him from getting through and will save you from yourownself when you want to make contact during a weak moment. 

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2013
In reply to: torn123
Tue, 07-01-2014 - 11:19am

I think this is one of the best replies I have read on iVillage. Thank you for your insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
In reply to: torn123
Thu, 07-31-2014 - 3:16pm
If its for your own sanity and well being than No its not wrong if you leave a 4 year affair and not give him any notice. You don't owe him anything. Your happiness comes first and if this is what you have to do, to move on, than so be it. You already know he's not leaving his GF, he's putting that relationship above what you both have so why give him the same courtesy. You haven't physically been with him in a year, all you have to do is cut off the contact. I know easier said than done but its possible. Delete all avenues of contact, sometimes cold turkey works best. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.