Torn between 2 men - HELP!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Torn between 2 men - HELP!
2
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 10:10am
Hi, let me give you the short version of my problem. I've been with my bf for 5yrs, some of it good, some of it bad but thats natural with any relationship. Last July i went to a family barbecue and it so happened that this guy (S) ive known for years since secondary school was there (his cousin is my sister in law). Anyway theres always been an attraction between us, we both liked each other but we was always to shy to do anything about it and then when S decided he wanted to be with me, i was already in a relationship. Since seeing S at the barbecue all my old feelings came back, we always kept in contact with each other but i never really saw him.

When i came back from holiday i agreed to meet S, just to catch up and then we ended up sleeping together. I felt bad cos i was in a relationship and i thought i might ruin my friendship with S but we both agreed that it had to have happened eventually and that it would be a one off. But it hasnt stopped, for 8 months ive been sleeping with S and its been ok but now im starting to get deeper feelings for him. I broke up with my bf cos i wasnt sure what i wanted , S told me he didnt want a serious relationship cos the last girl he was with really hurt him (almost made him kill himself) but when we're together its like we're a couple. I went back with my bf when he had a car accident which i guess was stupid seeing that I think i could be in love with S. We have a laugh, he listens to me, makes me feel good about myself, whereas my bf hardly pays much attention to me except for when he wants sex and lately i havent been able to sleep with him my mind is on S all the time.

Im just so confused, i would like there to be a future with S cos i really enjoy being with him and also there's history there but im sure if he feels the same way. Any advice would be appreciated

lucy..xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 10:44am
neo hi and welcome to the board.

honey, you cannot "make" S want to be with you. you cannot force that issue. if he's not ready for a serious R, take him at his word and don't push for something he cannot give you. and you know that you shouldn't be with BF, you are only there because you don't want to be alone and felt sorry for BF because of the accident. is that any way to live your life?

you need to end your current R and be on your own for awhile to figure out what you want and need out of life and what will make you happy. if you are unattached and living on your own, maybe (and that's a big maybe!) S will really date you and want a deeper R, but probably not. you may have to move on from both of them.

quit tormenting yourself neo. do what makes you happy. and don't waste your precious time trying to make some guy happy who isn't, or try to make another one who's not interested in being with you on a full-time basis, be interested! it takes strength to walk away from unhappy situations. find that strength girl!!

good luck,

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 10:59am
I agree with life. I hate to tell you this but if a man says that he is not ready for a serious relationship - you have to believe him. There is no hidden meaning to his words, it's just that - he is not ready and isn't seeing himself having a relationship with you in the foreseeable future. He seems to be quite content with the way things are between you two at present. If he wanted more he would be pursuing it. As far as being hurt no matter how badly - it really isn't a reason for not wanting to have a relationship. We've all been hurt, myself included. Did that stop me from pursuing a relationship when the right woman came along? Heck, no!

You have to decide what it is you want - an FWB relationship with "S" which will probably never transform into anything more serious, or unhappy and unfulfilling relationship with your boyfriend - or neither. Don't settle, hon. There is a man somewhere out there that will give you his all.