Torn between comfort and happiness
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| Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:26pm |
I presented my unhappiness to my husband about 4 months ago and he begged for the opportunity to work on his negativity. He agreed with me 100% that he does have problems with being negative. The weeks that followed I found myself dealing with a very different man than I was used to and it was hard to accept his behavior as genuine. I felt that it was just a temporary act to silence my complaints. As a leopard cannot change it's spots, he has since returned to his normal ways. Meanwhile I enjoy the opportunity to simply meet the OM for lunches and whatnot, to just hold one another. The chemistry between us is phenomenal. We just enjoy each others company so much that is difficult to go without. My husband and I have had many fights in the past month yet I find myself feeling bad for causing these fights. It is as though I am egging him to fight with me.... as though "this will be the big fight to end it all." I hate to think that I am actually trying to cause him to hate me enough to end the relationship on his own. What a twisted way to be.
This other gentleman has been ideal, he has not been pressuring me to just give up on my long standing relationship but rather he has been sincere and supportive in wishing me the best of whatever will make me happy. I find myself thinking "Well I can go on living the way I have for all these years and be as happy as I've been (for many of those years I suppose I have falsely given the impression that everything in my life is great)..... or I can make the largest leap into the unknown I could ever take and end up happy." How much destruction shall I cause along the way?

I know that I have been acting distant to my husband and sometimes I wish I could get over the feelings I am having for this other guy and just return to what I view as my "normal life." Last night when I went to bed my husband came to bed a few moments later. Not to be stereotypical but he is an "old school" biker type and certain sentiments don't always come real naturally but last night he said to me quite boldly "I Love You" and all I could do was remain silent. Sometime later he got up and went down to lie on the couch and that is where I found him this morning.
Good luck to you in whatever you decide. I hope things work out the way you would like.
Key