Torn between comfort and happiness

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Torn between comfort and happiness
4
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:26pm
Hello I have been in my relationship for 18 years now and we have no children. For many of those years we shared interests and seemed to enjoy similar activities. It seems however that I have since grown in one direction and he in another. In the last few years I found I have nothing to look forward to day after day, week after week. I was leaving for work earlier in the morning and often found myself dozing off on the couch in the evenings, seemingly in an effort to make the day get over quicker. In 1998 I went through a period of experiencing panic attacks, although an antidepressant and the completion of a CBT program have helped with those. My husband does have many good qualities and there are times when I sit back and admire those qualities. However there are other attributes that I find I can no longer tolerate and one of those is his negative attitude. I find that I have now become indifferent to many of the things he says or does. I kind of just shrug my shoulder and think "Hmm Whatever." Since the age of seventeen I have been faithful to this man and never in a million years considered straying. However last November I met a wonderful man and have since fallen head over heels in love with this individual. The things he and I have in common are mind boggling (bordering on bizarre) and there is a long list of interests we share and hopes and dreams we have.

I presented my unhappiness to my husband about 4 months ago and he begged for the opportunity to work on his negativity. He agreed with me 100% that he does have problems with being negative. The weeks that followed I found myself dealing with a very different man than I was used to and it was hard to accept his behavior as genuine. I felt that it was just a temporary act to silence my complaints. As a leopard cannot change it's spots, he has since returned to his normal ways. Meanwhile I enjoy the opportunity to simply meet the OM for lunches and whatnot, to just hold one another. The chemistry between us is phenomenal. We just enjoy each others company so much that is difficult to go without. My husband and I have had many fights in the past month yet I find myself feeling bad for causing these fights. It is as though I am egging him to fight with me.... as though "this will be the big fight to end it all." I hate to think that I am actually trying to cause him to hate me enough to end the relationship on his own. What a twisted way to be.

This other gentleman has been ideal, he has not been pressuring me to just give up on my long standing relationship but rather he has been sincere and supportive in wishing me the best of whatever will make me happy. I find myself thinking "Well I can go on living the way I have for all these years and be as happy as I've been (for many of those years I suppose I have falsely given the impression that everything in my life is great)..... or I can make the largest leap into the unknown I could ever take and end up happy." How much destruction shall I cause along the way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:37pm
Wow, that's a lot to digest. I certainly can empathize with the ambivalence you're feeling in your R with your H. I have felt the same way about my W for a long time but refused to admit it until I met my OW. She opened my eyes to what it is truly like to connect with a person on every level and to have someone appreciate me for the person I am. I just read a book over the weekend that was recommended by my counselor. I highly recommend it to you. It is called "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay". You can find it on Amazon. I read the entire thing the first day I got it and it answered a lot of questions for me. It approaches relationship ambivalence from a scientific standpoint. It basically has you answer some questions and then tells you whether people who answered the way you did were happier if they left or happier if they stayed. Be prepared to face some difficult questions. I was kind of surprised by some of my own answers. I don't want you to think I'm pimping this book or anything. It truly was very helpful to me and based on what you've told me, I believe it will be to you. Good luck as you move into this very difficult territory. Nothing you do from here will be easy. But hopefully you can make the right choice for you and stand by it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:40pm
Hon -- life is so short. We're given a finite amount of time on this earth. Can you spend it sleeping your life away... or avoiding happiness because the risk might be too great. My best advice would be to seperate your marriage from the emotional affair you are involved in. In other words, if you decide to leave your husband then do it for YOU only. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that you leave your husband... I'm just saying take the other guy out of the picture when making your decision. You need to find out what makes you happy about you. Your happiness cannot depend on another person. People let us down for all different reasons.. they are human after all. The one constant we can count on is ourselves. If you are unhappy in your relationship, I would encourage you to do anything possible to save it. After all, you have 18 years invested. Have you tried counselling? Have you reminded him that his behavior is reverting back to the negative? What is it about you he would like to change? Is there some common ground you can build on? If you can't fix it, though... consider getting out. You can't spend the rest of your life in a situation that is causing you such pain. You owe it to yourself to identify your needs, then fulfil them. I'm sending a hug your way. What ever you decide, we're here for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 6:30am
Thank you for responding to my post. I will certainly look into the book that was recommended. Last week I discussed the situation with the OM, something we do often. We have been very open with our emotions. We agreed that what we are doing is probably not in our best interest and he reiterated how painful it is that he cannot contact me in the evenings because I am sitting home with my husband. He recently attended a wedding where he was introduced to a friends sister in law. He has since had dinner a few times with her. I wished for him to have a good time the first time yet the second time I began to feel jealousy. Then I began to feel guilt over feeling jealousy. Good grief what do I expect of the poor man? Do I expect him to sit home lonely? I have no right to feel like that. I know that it is me he desires to be with yet at this time I cannot offer that to him full time. I have been reading some webpages about people having affairs and I guess what I am doing to myself is quite common. I try to break down the facts. If I indeed care this deeply for the OM and I am this unhappy in my marriage... the ball really is in my court and only I can change things. Yet no matter what my husband and I scream at each other, whether we threaten each other with divorce I still seem to have no intention of calling it quits - or I guess it seems I would have done that already. Yet when the OM and I talk about ending the affair just because it's wrong and the proper way would be to ended my marriage first and then we could hook up later I simply feel sick when I think about being without him. I have tried to put his needs first and tell him that it may best for him to pursue this other woman (best for me to release him) but the next time he and I speak he just goes on about how much he talked about me to his date. Ha ha.

I know that I have been acting distant to my husband and sometimes I wish I could get over the feelings I am having for this other guy and just return to what I view as my "normal life." Last night when I went to bed my husband came to bed a few moments later. Not to be stereotypical but he is an "old school" biker type and certain sentiments don't always come real naturally but last night he said to me quite boldly "I Love You" and all I could do was remain silent. Sometime later he got up and went down to lie on the couch and that is where I found him this morning.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:31am
I have to commend you on not saying that you loved him just out of habit or duty, however, IMO, you really need to make some changes. This floating through life is not fair to either you or your H. It appears that he still loves you and you staying just because of being afraid of the unknown is much worse than seperating is going to be for him. At least if you make a stand then he can move on with his life and perhaps you can both find some happiness. Don't get me wrong, seperating is going to take huge amounts of strenth on both of your parts, but it will allow you to start healing as opposed to just continuing to tear at an old scab. If on the other hand, you decide to stay...you BOTH have to work hard on communicating and finding the happiness you once had..and finding it after you have misplaced it tends to be much harder than it was the first time around.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide. I hope things work out the way you would like.

Key