Torn between lover and family
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Torn between lover and family
| Tue, 01-27-2004 - 6:44am |
I am a married woman of 15 years that has been involved in an extra marital affair for over two years, although I fell for my lover over three years ago. I have two children 8 and 11 years old and my husband found out about the affair almost two years ago. He is under the impression that it has ended. Additionally, it is a long distance affair, but that would change if I could see the light. This is my second marriage, my first marriage ended due to lack of love and marring too young. I never lived my life; I always did what I believed others wanted and expected me to do. My current marriage was based on some one I could live with, NOT LOVE. I always though something was wrong with me and believed this is all life had to offer until now. I always felt like something was missing from my life, I used to get involved with chat rooms and surfed exotic material to fill some kind of void; my husband found out about this and didn’t seem to mind. I stayed in my marriage because I was afraid to break up the family and I fear the impact of divorce for my children who are completely unaware of any problems. I have become an amazing actress, but I am positively in love with my extra marital affair partner. My heart tells me one thing and my mind another, I have absolutely no doubts about a life with my lover. He is no longer content being the other man, and is at his breaking point. The past 6 months have been so very difficult for both of us. I love him completely and do not want to lose him; I feel so comfortable and feel as though he is my soul mate. But, I understand that he deserves more than he is getting, as does my husband. There is NO HOPE that I will feel the way a wife should feel for her husband. He is a good caring person who should have an opportunity of a passionate love with someone who will return that love. But, I am afraid of the change and have been paralyzed to make any attempt at leaving or confronting my husband with the possibility of divorce. I read so many articles that suggest making the marriage work because the affair is most likely anything but love. I recognize the possibility that affairs can be exciting diversions, but now all I feel is lost and alone without my lover. I am truly happy with him and love him deeply and passionately. I have no one to talk to and I’m desperately seeking help. I feel my family will abandon me for being so thoughtless --- engaging in a relationship outside my marriage with two small children sounds so incredibly selfish and I fear they will take that view. I don't know what to do, should I sacrifice my one chance at happiness and stay married for the kids? Everyday is pure hell and the only reason I go on is for my kids. Together my husband and I have tried marriage consoling and I’ve seen a therapist myself. I don’t see my marriage lasting forever, but I’m still torn in two directions and fear things might be too late to experience happiness. Is there anyone who has been in my situation or a similar one that can share their experience?

Mama
I have not been in your spot so cannot offer practical advice, but would ask questions you may want to consider.
You have selected 2 men that you have married in the past both you say were loveless M what makes you think this time you have made a better decision?
Did your therapist investigate with you why you made the decisions to M the first two times, there is a reason with out understanding it you may be doomed to repeat it again.
Anything you do now will affect the kids as you know, your there mother is it your job to do what is best for them or for yourself?
Will this S/G want your kids around, will he be good for them?
Affairs are by there nature selfish things, they also generate feelings that are very strong well in the A but according to DR PHIL and the stats that exist less the 5 percent of AP that leave there M and get together last for more then 1 year.
I am sure others will offer a different prespective thay you will find more palatable, but you should think long and hard before doing anything.
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