Totally Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Totally Confused
3
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 11:14pm
I think after much searching I may have found a place where I can get advice from people who are in or have been in my shoes.

Here's my story. I have lived with a man for 14 years now, we have 3 kids together. Our relationship is horrible, there is no connection (other than our kids) no intimacy or desire left. Lots of guilt and lots of anger. You'd think it would be easy to leave when things get as depressing as they have with us, but it's not. There are so many things to factor in.

Anyway, I have gone along for the past 7 or 8 years in a loveless, sexless relationship and stayed faithful. Even though I'm fairly sure he hasn't. Well to be honest I'm so tired of being alone. I've recently met a great guy, he's single and is obviously interested in me. It's very exciting, especially when you consider how long it's been for me since I've felt anything remotely like this! Nothing has ever happened between this guy and myself but I'm not stupid, I know if I continue to see him something will, and I want it too really badly.

However I can't seem to get the nerve up. I've never imagined myself living a "double life" (for lack of a better term) before. How do you make that final decision to have an A, and if and when you do decide to have one how do you deal with your regular guy? Does anyone feel guilty? Or are my reservations a sign that this is not right for me, no matter how badly I want it?

Obviously I have never had an A before, though in past relationships I did have 2 one night stands. I've never felt guilty about those. Odd isn't it. I'm smack dabb in the middle of a really horrible time and when I need a connection more than I ever have before I choose now to feel guilty!

Does anyone have some advice for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: lbcanada
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 12:40am

Hi lbcanada and welcome aboard,


I'm not sure where to start... or even what to say really.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
In reply to: lbcanada
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 8:34am
I couldnt agree more with what cl-Sweet is telling you...only you can make the final decision to move forward with this potential EMA or to back off some and let things simmer down. I would be extremely interested to know what measures you have taken to rekindle your dying marriage. The grass always looks greener on the other side especially when your marriage is stricken with negative energy and for so many long years.

Step back and look at your big picture and search within yourself and your soul for these answers. Generally speaking, an EMA comes with a huge emotional burden and all of us here describe it best as a "rollercoaster ride".

Im so glad you chose to join us here on our board. Good luck to you and keep us posted!

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
In reply to: lbcanada
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:04am
TY so much for your replies! You both are of course right and I'd like you to know that I have stepped back and looked closely at my relationship and at myself. I do love my H, even through all the bad times and that of course is part of why this has been a hard decision for me.

I have been struggling with this for quite a few months now and I have decided that it's time I did something to make myself happy. I do feel guilty but anxiety would also be a good word to use. Not just anxiety over my H but also it's been some time since I have been intimate with a man so I'm sure that just adds to it all!

I understand that it's an emotional rollercoaster, how could it not be! But it's a ride that I have decided to take. The next time I see my SM will hopefully be the beginning of a new and exciting EMA for me!

Reading the postings on this board has helped me greatly, this is not the kind of thing that I can casually ask most of my friends about. It's really nice to know that there are other's out there. TY for sharing your support, honest advice and for making me feel welcome!