I feel so bad for you! I know your heart must be breaking.
This behavior - pulling away after the first sexual encounter - is very common, and often it continues after EVERY sexual encounter. What isn't common is for the relationship to have developed so far that he has actually made steps to buy another house and separate before the first sexual encounter. I'd have to say that for him to go THAT far and then pull so far away is not typical at all.
I think maybe the anticipation of sex was clouding up his thinking about what he wanted and how unhappy he was at home. Suddenly, with the "anticipation" gone, his thinking cleared up and he started to think about everything he was giving up, and all the people he would be letting down. Keep in mind he may have been exaggerating about how unhappy he was, because if he was truly that unhappy, and he had made such big steps to leave - then he would surely have continued on that path.
I know this is easier said than done, but if I were you I would truly try to end this and go on with my life. He is fence sitting for sure, and if he went that far and pulled back, I don't foresee him jumping to your side of the fence very soon. If you're up for years of push and pull heartache, then keep fighting, you might "win" someday. But at what cost to you and your life!
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
I'm a MM who has had one affair with a MW for 3 years. We both have families. A's are so unfair to SW when they are with MM. Unless its completely out in the open of what this is and what this isn't. In my opinion it's reasonable to give this guy the benefit of the doubt that his intentions with you were sincere and honest. Many MM aren't I would guess. But I can see how he could have experienced an extreme reality check after having sex with someone else. Even someone he loves. It's an understatement to say it's unfair to you that he had to be "with" you to figure this out. I hope my A's are now only in the past, but I can't ever imagine having an affair with a SW. Unless the single woman knew my limitations of the relationship and continued to date on her own to find a more suitable man. I couldn't handle the guilt of being home with my family while she is alone thinking of me. UGH. It may be a gross generalization, but it seems that when SW get involved with MM they often end up hurt.
Easier said than done, but I would try to remember a wonderful weekend and have no further contact with this man. Love is a brutal game and we all know the most SM & SW relationships also end in heartache. It sucks.
Im new to this board, I lurk and post on EAS sometimes.
I know how you feel, myex ap did something similar to me. We were very much in an emotional affair and spent all hours of the day texing, talking etc; The first morning after our first sexual encounter he sent me a text "I dont think we should see each other anymore"
I was like you!! Heartbroken, it wasnt that all he had wanted was sex, he just couldnt cope with the guilt (im married hes single) he ignored me for several weeks, then one day he texted me, we were friendly again, but soon became apparent we couldnt be friend. I cared too much for him, however it has been an on off affair since.
The has been gaps as long as 6 months, then I get a text, hello how are you. We both try to be ok just friends but it ALWAYS ends up the same. Me in his bed, then he is sorry before the bed is cold. Lovely eh.
The last time was in Feb, I got a text please dont contact me again, I cannt do this anymore and I promise I wont contact you. My heart was broken yet again and im still mending it.
Sakkra, your body is in shock. Not only do you lose weight because you can't eat, but also your metabolism is speeded up from shock. You can't go on like this.
Do you have a regular doctor? I think you need to see one, right away. You might need some help with meds to get you through the beginnings of this. You really are in shock, and how much longer can you go on like this? You have to at least be able to go through the motions. Feed yourself, bathe yourself, change into clean clothes, clean your house and go to work. Those are the basics. If you can do those things, you can forget the rest until you're more up to it.
Make a list for every day. Get out of bed. Eat. (Even if it's just a few bites. Make sure you're getting enough liquid - make it juice because that has some nutrition to it - no soda!) Shower. Put on clean clothes. Eat again at lunchtime. Eat again at dinner time. Those are the most basic things, but in a few days you're going to have to add go to work. You can wait on the "clean your place" for awhile but not too long!
You have to get through these days of shock somehow! If you have a friend or relative who really loves you, please share it with them and let them help you. If they see how much you're suffering, they won't have any "I told you so"s.
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
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I feel so bad for you! I know your heart must be breaking.
This behavior - pulling away after the first sexual encounter - is very common, and often it continues after EVERY sexual encounter. What isn't common is for the relationship to have developed so far that he has actually made steps to buy another house and separate before the first sexual encounter. I'd have to say that for him to go THAT far and then pull so far away is not typical at all.
I think maybe the anticipation of sex was clouding up his thinking about what he wanted and how unhappy he was at home. Suddenly, with the "anticipation" gone, his thinking cleared up and he started to think about everything he was giving up, and all the people he would be letting down. Keep in mind he may have been exaggerating about how unhappy he was, because if he was truly that unhappy, and he had made such big steps to leave - then he would surely have continued on that path.
I know this is easier said than done, but if I were you I would truly try to end this and go on with my life. He is fence sitting for sure, and if he went that far and pulled back, I don't foresee him jumping to your side of the fence very soon. If you're up for years of push and pull heartache, then keep fighting, you might "win" someday. But at what cost to you and your life!
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
You've got a lot of choices. I
I'm a MM who has had one affair with a MW for 3 years. We both have families. A's are so unfair to SW when they are with MM. Unless its completely out in the open of what this is and what this isn't. In my opinion it's reasonable to give this guy the benefit of the doubt that his intentions with you were sincere and honest. Many MM aren't I would guess. But I can see how he could have experienced an extreme reality check after having sex with someone else. Even someone he loves. It's an understatement to say it's unfair to you that he had to be "with" you to figure this out. I hope my A's are now only in the past, but I can't ever imagine having an affair with a SW. Unless the single woman knew my limitations of the relationship and continued to date on her own to find a more suitable man. I couldn't handle the guilt of being home with my family while she is alone thinking of me. UGH.
It may be a gross generalization, but it seems that when SW get involved with MM they often end up hurt.
Easier said than done, but I would try to remember a wonderful weekend and have no further contact with this man. Love is a brutal game and we all know the most SM & SW relationships also end in heartache. It sucks.
I also wanted to add that it's not wise to send the emails to his W on so many levels.
Edited 7/18/2009 1:10 am ET by sakkra
Edited 7/18/2009 1:11 am ET by sakkra
Hello and a big hug from me,
Im new to this board, I lurk and post on EAS sometimes.
I know how you feel, myex ap did something similar to me. We were very much in an emotional affair and spent all hours of the day texing, talking etc; The first morning after our first sexual encounter he sent me a text "I dont think we should see each other anymore"
I was like you!! Heartbroken, it wasnt that all he had wanted was sex, he just couldnt cope with the guilt (im married hes single) he ignored me for several weeks, then one day he texted me, we were friendly again, but soon became apparent we couldnt be friend. I cared too much for him, however it has been an on off affair since.
The has been gaps as long as 6 months, then I get a text, hello how are you. We both try to be ok just friends but it ALWAYS ends up the same. Me in his bed, then he is sorry before the bed is cold. Lovely eh.
The last time was in Feb, I got a text please dont contact me again, I cannt do this anymore and I promise I wont contact you. My heart was broken yet again and im still mending it.
Messengers saying is so true: when someone
sakkra,
I'm a SW w/kids, got involved with a MM for almost 3 years.
edited
Edited 7/18/2009 1:12 am ET by sakkra
sakkra,
i wanted to be friends with my xAP, when he ended it with me.
Sakkra, your body is in shock. Not only do you lose weight because you can't eat, but also your metabolism is speeded up from shock. You can't go on like this.
Do you have a regular doctor? I think you need to see one, right away. You might need some help with meds to get you through the beginnings of this. You really are in shock, and how much longer can you go on like this? You have to at least be able to go through the motions. Feed yourself, bathe yourself, change into clean clothes, clean your house and go to work. Those are the basics. If you can do those things, you can forget the rest until you're more up to it.
Make a list for every day. Get out of bed. Eat. (Even if it's just a few bites. Make sure you're getting enough liquid - make it juice because that has some nutrition to it - no soda!) Shower. Put on clean clothes. Eat again at lunchtime. Eat again at dinner time. Those are the most basic things, but in a few days you're going to have to add go to work. You can wait on the "clean your place" for awhile but not too long!
You have to get through these days of shock somehow! If you have a friend or relative who really loves you, please share it with them and let them help you. If they see how much you're suffering, they won't have any "I told you so"s.
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
You've got a lot of choices. I
Pages