Tracy and Hepburn

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tracy and Hepburn
19
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 2:49pm


Hi folks,

Its been a busy week and I've been in lurk mode. Rain, I hope things are going well for you. Juliet, you just _keep_ me laughing! I love the way you took a switch to Switch. And Baiting her, too. ;)

And Red.......((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

Okay, to my topic of the day. While I was at work the other day, one of the nurses commented on Kate Hepburn's undying love for Spencer Tracey. He loved her, but would never leave his wife. She waited for him...and when they could finally be together, he died. :(

I never heard her say that she regretted being his lover all those long years.

I listened to the nurses discussing this and all they had was admiration for her steadfastness.

Now we come to the crux of the matter. I'm sure most of you know that I've made it clear that I won't go through another holiday season like I did last year. I spent the holidays absolutely longing for them to be over so that we could finally start building a life together. I ached with every phone call. I was _miserable._

Fast forward to now. I'm coming to accept that he isn't going to leave his marriage. He's vested. I understand that, and truthfully, it doesn't change how I feel about him. Yes, I'm disappointed. Yes, I want as much of him as I can get. But we do have some fundamental differences in things that would make marriage difficult and I'm not sure which of us would kill the other first if we were constantly together. ROFL

Now, I can keep my word and not go through the holidays the same way as I did last year by doing either of two things. I can make this be friends, but I don't want to do so, or I can just accept that he'll be my lover and friend and co-writer from now on. I guess I'm actually leaning toward the latter. That doesn't mean I won't go out, or have a life. LOL I'm constantly doing things now...no one could say that my life isn't full!

I've read so many of Sweet's posts and they really have touched me. She seems so comfortable in their relationship...even with its limits. It helps to read that, and to read some of the other posts from long term affairs.

Let me add that I've told our friends that we've decided to just _be_ friends. I don't like the fact that they've been worried about me, and have told me so. I would never have let them know we were seeing each other if we hadn't planned on marrying. I think its best for them to think that we've just decided to be friends and not pursue the other. I'm trying to make sure that they know that he's not at fault, that he didn't dump me, and that we're both happy with this choice. Hopefully, this will help some. As much as I hate sneaking around, I'm not comfortable wearing a red A on my forehead for all of my group to see, either.

But he is my Querido. And from eternity, he has been my Querido. And I'm not willing to lose one second, one smidgeon of what life is offering us.

The changes in my life this year have been stunning. Here's my question, folks. Am I thinking logically? Is this making sense? I don't have to have "a man" to be happy nor do I need one to support myself. I choose to continue loving the man whose soul completes my own.

Any and all input will be appreciated.



Cazrida

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 1:21am

Cazrida hon I missed your post in all the happenings of the last few weeks... I've had limited time and just scanned over a lot of posts... but doing my weekly report I stumbled onto it.


I so know where you are at... but at the same time can not point you in any one direction.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 7:28am
Very well put, sweet. It is very hard at times, but there is a message of hope and faith in your words. Thanks for the lift.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 8:53am
I agree, coming to an acceptance, coming to some sort of peace with the relationship for what it is, makes it easier on a day to day basis. If it will be long term, Tracy and Hepburn-like.....there is no other way. There are still the emotional ups and downs though, even though it is accepted, still, so hard sometimes. And most importantly, circumstances change or things happen and even though you think I am ok with this, great....a new issue can throw everything out of wack and there you are re-situating yourself emotionally. MM and I have always had this acceptance, dependability, sharing of hearts, etc. Unlike many on this board, we are in different cities but talk at least once every day for at least 1/2 hour (very very early in the morning before anyone wakes up)and make sure to spend a few days together every month or two.

But as dependable and reliable and wonderful as it is....things happen.

A year ago (we had been together approx. 2 years) MM wife got cancer. Went through chemo, lost hair, very emotional. The guilt conflicts, for both of us, were so tough. We could never stay away from each other....but it was not easy. The attachment we have was more powerful than the guilt, but I am glad I am not in the same city and we do not know each other's families personally. I could separate myself from the situation but he was married to a woman going through this and it killed him emotionally. He is Catholic as well (pretty religious - I know we've had this discussion so everyone knows what this means). And it was all I could do to not think about her, to think only about him....how awful, I am a woman with a cancer patients husband. Awful. I have my own H and kids but he is not sick like that! Honestly what probably kept us together during that really bad stretch was our friendship, since you need your best friend in times like that. But still, there is always the overhang that she can get sick again...and the long term outcome for her type of cancer is not good. So sometimes it feels like a bomb waiting to go off.

So long term yes...forever he is my heart and soul and best friend. But also one day at a time, and enjoying for what it is....because you just never know what can happen the next day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 9:05am
(((Caz))) I got a chill reading your post! I don't really have any words of advice, except to follow your heart. If MM is your true love and soulmate, then your life would be empty without him. On the other hand, don't close yourself off to other paths in your life, should they emerge. If there's one thing that I learned from the A, it's that you never know what life has in store for you.

Take care of yourself first and foremost, and protect your heart.

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 1:56pm


Thank-you so much for your replies, Sweet, LS and Circe. Its good knowing that you have friends that care and understand.

Overall, I think I'm doing okay. Today I'm playing with my running shoes again, but I guess we all do that from time to time. ::sigh::

I don't mean to whine, but today is one of those days where I question everything. He hasn't done anything any differently. He's still attentive and loving. But he's married and we won't be and I just want to wail for a while.


I'll be fine. Somehow, I always seem to be. The sun came up to day and I'm betting it will come up again tomorrow. Just got to make it there.

Love to all.



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:24pm
I read the autobiography of Katie Hepburn. She was Tracy's slave. She lived for him until the day he died. On the other hand, Tracy gave her very little in return, he never told her that he loved her.

He was an alcoholic and difficult to live with. She took all his crap just to be with him. Read the book. I wouldn't say she had a wonderful affair, but she thought she did.

As for your affair, you will have to take what he can give you. He, on the other hand, has two women who cherish and take care of him.

On the days when you can't be together, you will be the one who suffers from loneliness.

I feel for you, for you will settle for the crumbs he wants to give you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 10:12pm
Thank you for your sensitive and caring post. I'm certain that you meant for it to touch my soul, right?

I've been divorced for ten years. During that time I have focused entirely on my children, my disabled parents, my education and my career.

I have a wonderful life, though certainly there have been times where I've felt sad and alone. I had those times while I was married, as well. I would rather be alone than with the wrong man. BTDT. No thanks.

Am I settling for crumbs? When the joy he brings into my life is almost more than I can hold? Am I settling for crumbs? When the demands on my time make it almost impossible for us to see each other, much less for us to have a life together?

Am I?

Perhaps. I will grant you that as I sit here tonight typing this, I ache for his touch. And when I turn out the lights and I know that he is sleeping next to his wife, it hurts. But I haven't closed my eyes...life is not perfect...and if I've learned to share my heart and to love more openly thanks to loving him, then I've gained something beyond price.

I still say that I choose to love.

But thank-you for your post.



Cazrida


Edited 4/17/2004 10:14 pm ET ET by cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 7:50am
Good Post Caz!! Why be Tracy and Hepburn, if you can be better than them. THey are just and example of how people in affairs can be happy in many ways. You are right - to love is a choice. I wish some people whould just respect that for their own good than stick out like a sore thumb.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 8:33am
Caz.... I felt like I was reading my life history when i was reading your post. My MM is 68 I am 50, we have been together for almost 5 years now and like you, he completes me. His wife is ill, they have been married almost 49 years and he cannot and will not leave her. We do not have those kinds of years ahead of us, his family is very long lived, well into their 90's but we both know we really only have at the most 20 years together. I have tried many times to stop loving this man, to tell my heart he is not the one. I have met an old high school boyfriend and tried to convince myself i could fall back in love with him, I have started relationships with other men, thinking someone could replace MM, it is not possible. He is the one I was meant to love, and vice versa, and it weighs on him as heavily as me that we are using up precious time when we should be together.

I have made the concsious decision to keep him in my life too, and like you, i hate hate hate the lying and sneaking around. I hate not being able to tell my children and let them begin the process of understanding and knowing how wonderful this man is, i wish with all my heart he could meet my kids, and me his, and let them all know how lucky he and I are to have found each other. Never in my wildest dreams did i think i would "settle" for this kind of life. But it is a choice i have made because it is the only way to keep him in my life, I have never loved anyone like i love him.

I guess my message is this.. just because you make this choice, it does not mean there will not be days when you have doubts or fears or hate the way you are living. Most days will be wonderful, and having him in your life in anyway will fulfill many of the things you need and want.but there will be days when it hurts and you cry and want to have it all and think you are crazy and wish you had never met him..i know..i still have those days when i want it all out of my life . They will not outweigh the good though, Caz, they will be there, but the good times, the connection, the knowing he is the one for you will always come back. Some of my feelings come from knowing i deserve all of his love, not bits and pieces, not to be the OW, that i am "better" than that. But that is a societal thing, a pressure the world puts on us that tells us these relationships are wrong (thats a whole other post!)

Trust your heart.. lead with it..and know you are not the only one out there doing exactly the same thing.

LB

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