Trying LC, HELP PLEASE
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Trying LC, HELP PLEASE
| Mon, 03-16-2009 - 1:20pm |
Hello,
Trying to go Limited Contact with my AP. Short background. Been in A for a year Both M. We are both moving towards D. But LDA 1000 miles away. I have asked for a break because she keeps pressuring me to see her all the time. Expensive to fly all the time. Also having moral issues with A. Asked to go LC. She is now pulling away and wants to be "friends". Have hade intimate contact many times. We both love each other. I don't see either one of our situations changing in the next 6-9 months. Just want a break. She wants to pull away. Have an issue that she doesnt even think cheating is wrong. Pulling my hair out! How do you become friends after 1 year of serious physical and emotional closeness. Any help?
Adm

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Hey Amex.
What is the point of LC?
I am not one who believes that being friends is a possibility. For me, it seems like more of a way to keep the door open than anything else. To me, being "friends" keeps the emotional part of the affair relationship without the stigma of the physical part. In the case of the other poster who mentioned that she and her AP were now friends and they see each other twice or so a week, isn't that still and A? Does the community know of your relationship? Do mutual spouses? Or is it still hidden? And if it WERE to come out and the community were to get wind of the fact that you were physically involved at one point do you think it would be viewed differently than an A? It is a grey area for sure. Not saying it doesn't work, there are plenty around these parts who maintain similar arrangements with "former" APs. I guess I just see it as a very very slippery slope.
Amex, if you are moving towards a D, and you requested a break, then I think that the AP pulling away is okay, yes? Maybe she is pulling away because she is hurt. Maybe she is pulling away because you are in an LDR and she found something closer? Maybe she is pulling away because you are moving towards a D and (despite what she has told you) she really isn't. Maybe she wants to continue to be married, but still wants an A. You have a moral dilemma with the A relationship, but if I remember correctly, she never did. So perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. If you want to proceed with your D and then contact her again after, great. Or maybe you don't want to do that. Either way, it seems that you are getting the break you wished for.
Does that make it easier? Not really the loss of any relationship can be painful. Give yourself time and space. It will get easier.
Good luck.
Shadowz,
TY. You make some excellent points. I would prefer to go NC but this might be tough for both of us (we talk 3 times a day). LC maybe keep in touch kind of thing. Really just want to get my stuff straight and not hurt any more people including myself. When I'm D, then I can pursue other R and do it the right way. My opinion is I want to take a break to save the relationship for another place and time under the right circumstances. Don't think thats wrong. She just turned 40 and is really having all kinds of clock issues (not babies) so thats what is making this so difficult. Any other 40 ish people relate?
Adm
Hey oxbell,
Sure it is good if she's pulling away on a break but I was hoping to end it on a good note. I'm sure she's afraid I won't come back but I am truly doing this for the right reasons. The guilt issue with her is just weird. Don't understand it. As I said in a previous post she just turned 40 and truly seems blinded by these clock issues (never finding love) that I am afraid of getting trapped in to. Ready to go NC now.
Adm
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
for me regret no..but guilt...heck yeah...guilt guilt guilt guilt..but then again guilt is a normal emotion....just like love
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
amexdm..i just turned 35, no clock issues at all no biological clock nothing..well my son is 17..and dangit i don't wanna start over..yeah i had em young..so what..he's my only one too...nope...no clock for me, no race for marriage.....uhmm so whats up with the clock thing with her anyway?
back to the matter..amexdm..i can truly feel you stopping it now to save the relationship for a later time..i totally get where you are coming from with that...you don't want things to get too out of hand with her so that when you are able to pursue her with all of your MIGHT
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
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