Trying LC, HELP PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Trying LC, HELP PLEASE
12
Mon, 03-16-2009 - 1:20pm

Hello,


Trying to go Limited Contact with my AP. Short background. Been in A for a year Both M. We are both moving towards D. But LDA 1000 miles away. I have asked for a break because she keeps pressuring me to see her all the time. Expensive to fly all the time. Also having moral issues with A. Asked to go LC. She is now pulling away and wants to be "friends". Have hade intimate contact many times. We both love each other. I don't see either one of our situations changing in the next 6-9 months. Just want a break. She wants to pull away. Have an issue that she doesnt even think cheating is wrong. Pulling my hair out! How do you become friends after 1 year of serious physical and emotional closeness. Any help?


Adm

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2008
Mon, 03-16-2009 - 1:35pm
i know it can be done, in my case i have done it. my AP does things for the community, in doing this it created a moral issue with in himself having an affair and community functions. before christmas he wanted to break off the affair. it devastated me. for a year and have we have had serious physical and emotional closeness. we went lc for about a month. certain things i asked his advice on, and he helped me through emails. one day he emailed me and asked if i would like to use messenger, and we did. then another time talked on the phone. he will call or email and ask me go out to lunch, still we talk about 2 times a week. like today we had an email chat for about 2 hours. we are good friends. we are both looking for the same things, have the same desires. it depends on what you both are looking for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 8:15am

Hey Amex.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2009
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 12:32pm

What is the point of LC?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 1:08pm

I am not one who believes that being friends is a possibility. For me, it seems like more of a way to keep the door open than anything else. To me, being "friends" keeps the emotional part of the affair relationship without the stigma of the physical part. In the case of the other poster who mentioned that she and her AP were now friends and they see each other twice or so a week, isn't that still and A? Does the community know of your relationship? Do mutual spouses? Or is it still hidden? And if it WERE to come out and the community were to get wind of the fact that you were physically involved at one point do you think it would be viewed differently than an A? It is a grey area for sure. Not saying it doesn't work, there are plenty around these parts who maintain similar arrangements with "former" APs. I guess I just see it as a very very slippery slope.

Amex, if you are moving towards a D, and you requested a break, then I think that the AP pulling away is okay, yes? Maybe she is pulling away because she is hurt. Maybe she is pulling away because you are in an LDR and she found something closer? Maybe she is pulling away because you are moving towards a D and (despite what she has told you) she really isn't. Maybe she wants to continue to be married, but still wants an A. You have a moral dilemma with the A relationship, but if I remember correctly, she never did. So perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. If you want to proceed with your D and then contact her again after, great. Or maybe you don't want to do that. Either way, it seems that you are getting the break you wished for.

Does that make it easier? Not really the loss of any relationship can be painful. Give yourself time and space. It will get easier.

Good luck.

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2008
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 1:56pm
i don't want to hijack this thread on this poster, but i will answer a few questions for you. to clear something up, we don't see each other twice a week, but email or talk on the phone twice a week or so. no the community doesn't know of our friendship and neither do our spouses. i do attend a church that he use to go to, via his advice. he felt i would find this church much more pleasureable to attend. i agree it's a slippery slope, but it has and does work for us. it eases his guilt, we are still in each others lives, and it's an emotional friendship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 6:09pm

Shadowz,


TY. You make some excellent points. I would prefer to go NC but this might be tough for both of us (we talk 3 times a day). LC maybe keep in touch kind of thing. Really just want to get my stuff straight and not hurt any more people including myself. When I'm D, then I can pursue other R and do it the right way. My opinion is I want to take a break to save the relationship for another place and time under the right circumstances. Don't think thats wrong. She just turned 40 and is really having all kinds of clock issues (not babies) so thats what is making this so difficult. Any other 40 ish people relate?


Adm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 6:37pm

Hey oxbell,


Sure it is good if she's pulling away on a break but I was hoping to end it on a good note. I'm sure she's afraid I won't come back but I am truly doing this for the right reasons. The guilt issue with her is just weird. Don't understand it. As I said in a previous post she just turned 40 and truly seems blinded by these clock issues (never finding love) that I am afraid of getting trapped in to. Ready to go NC now.


Adm

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 9:37pm
amexdm..wait you are the one usually with the answers...wtf? anyway here's a ((HUG)) because i'm having a hard time with it too...me and XAP argue because we try to be friends...funny right...OMG...we know we can't be together, we aren't together, but we wanna be together but we can't..do you understand that...anyway...i go long periods of time without talking to him like 2-6 weeks...my feelings never change for him..maybe it's because he's always lurking..there could be no words said between us and i still love him more each day..could have something to do with the way he is with my son...anyway..it's very hard...so here you go..you suck up the feelings and let them give you a headache like i do...or you just chalk it up to that you can't be friends....honestly..i'd rather argue and fuss with XAP from time to time sporadically over our

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 9:39pm

for me regret no..but guilt...heck yeah...guilt guilt guilt guilt..but then again guilt is a normal emotion....just like love

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 9:46pm

amexdm..i just turned 35, no clock issues at all no biological clock nothing..well my son is 17..and dangit i don't wanna start over..yeah i had em young..so what..he's my only one too...nope...no clock for me, no race for marriage.....uhmm so whats up with the clock thing with her anyway?


back to the matter..amexdm..i can truly feel you stopping it now to save the relationship for a later time..i totally get where you are coming from with that...you don't want things to get too out of hand with her so that when you are able to pursue her with all of your MIGHT

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

Pages