turning point

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
turning point
5
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 11:49am
I apologize now that this might be a little long. I just found this site and was so relieved to see that others are struggling with similar issues. I want to share a little about my situation before presenting my biggest problem. I have been involved with my OM for about 2 years now. We do have wonderful sex but it's much more of an emotional relationship than a sexual one. He is also married. My H is wonderful. He's amazingly loving and caring and respectful and I love him dearly. Like a family member. I feel no passion for him, no chemistry, no attraction. I have no desire to spend time with him but am overwhelmed sometimes at the amount of love and admiration that he has for me. For him to know what was going on would nearly kill him. The guilt is just one of my problems. I am madly in love with my OM. We have seriously discussed our future together and both want to have one. He, however, has 2 children and needs to end his marriage with enough tact that he doesn't jeopardize any custody rights. This leads to the question, how long could this go on?? I have decided that when I do leave my H, I will tell him the truth, that it is because of someone else. Therefore, I can't make a move on my end until the OM does. But my BIGGEST problem is that I am just over 30 which is longer than I ever thought I would wait to have children. And to be pregnant now with my H would just further complicate things and I can't yet start a life with my OM. What do I do now? I have explained how hard this is for me to my OM. My H is dying for me to be pregnant and he would be a wonderful father. I don't want to wait much longer. Regardless of my relationships, I know for sure that I want to be a mother and have wanted it for a long time. Do I put some time limit on my OM to figure out his situation? Do I just tell him that maybe our time is in the future and go ahead and have a child with my H who would be a wonderful father? Do I just wait it out? I'm so torn. While I know that my heart will never be fully happy with my H, I doubt that anyone could love me more or take better care of me than he does. And while my OM is challenging at times (although it's hard to make judgements about someone whom you can't spend every day with and every situation with), I want to do everything with him and go everywhere with him and share everything with him and spend every minute with him. I just feel that I am at a point where a decision has to be made. If I have to wait several more years for my OM to get out of his marriage, I'm not sure that I can do that. Have I made any sense at all??? I'm sorry about the rambling. If anyone has any insight for me at all, I would be forever grateful. Thanks!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: allygirl31
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:04pm
Welcome, Ally... quite a knot you have there. I understand your pressing desire to have children, although at 30 you really still have plenty of time. You say (and I believe) that you really do love and respect H, that you don't want to hurt him. How could you, then, even consider using him just to have a child? Think what it would do to him to know that. And honey... think carefully before leaving him for MM and telling him that's why. That is such a painful revelation, and what good would it do? Isn't it just as true that you simply aren't passionate about him anymore, that you love him but something is missing for you? I guess that doesn't sound any better, but it just seems like it might not be quite so devastating. I think the most important thing to do is seperate all these issues. One is needing to get out of your marriage because it no longer makes you happy. If MM weren't in the picture, would you still feel that way? If yes, then just do it. Two is MM's situation. You have no control over that. You need to make your decisions independent of him. Third is your driving desire to have a child. This needs to be a seperate issue from everything else. Let's say you did leave your husband for MM. Does he want another child? If yes, when? If not... where does that leave you? Keep in mind you can be a mommy without a husband or relationship. While this may not be the ideal situation for you, it's not impossible. My best advise as an older woman? Take some time... really think this through. Write it all down somewhere if you have to (and burn it afterward). Seperate each issue and figure out what you need. Then do what makes you the most happy and fulfilled. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: allygirl31
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:28pm

allygirl -- welcome to the board and feel free to post anytime!


saturday has said it so well that all there is left for me is to reiterate what she said!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
In reply to: allygirl31
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:06pm
allygirl...

I agree with what the other ladies have already said. You need to figure out what you want to do in regards to your H and MM. Dont even think of bringing a child into this world until you have figured this out. It is not fair to your H to have a child with him knowing full well that you do not intend to stay in that relationship with him. It is even more unfair to the child. You still have plenty of time to start a family. One of my best girlfriends is having her second child this year and she is 40. Please think long and hard about bringing a child into this world, knowing that they WILL be subjected to the trauma of divorce.

Good luck to you...

BWE

*BWE*

I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind. ~Ed Rooney

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
In reply to: allygirl31
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 4:43pm
Thanks so much to everyone who has responded to what I wrote. It's much less frustrating to know that someone "gets it". I want to take a minute to clarify a couple of things. I see that after I read the replies that I had made myself appear a little crazy. I would never consider having a child with H unless I was planning on sticking it out, dropping my OM and dedicating everything to my family. Also, OM does want another child and would want to do so with me as soon as possible, but as it's been said, who knows when that will be. Also, as far as telling my H the truth about another person, I made that decision because over 8 years of marriage, I have left on several occasions (there has never been another man besides the current one) which led to seperations ranging from 1-6 months and my reasoning was always that there was something missing, something exciting and passionate and just a connection that I didn't have and needed. My H could never quite get a grip on this ever. He said there HAD to be a reason, something specific or he could never understand it because we BOTH know that he does everything right. Which is true. So, that was the only reason I said I would tell him which I know would be excruciating. At any rate, thank you all for what you said. Your advice to figure out my OWN life regardless of EITHER man, is so obvious and so necessary, yet so so difficult. I have a life that's not quite perfect, the promise of a life that seems like it could be and I'm completely caught in happiness purgatory.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: allygirl31
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:28am

hey ally -- i like that "happiness purgatory"!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board