Two Men?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Two Men?
5
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 8:04pm
hello - I have been lurking here for a couple of weeks and now it's time to tell my story. I have been in an A with a MM for almost a year. We both are M with small children and he has no plans to leave his W. Well, I have been in discussion with my H about a separation, not because of MM - just fell out of Love with H and it's just not working. MM (who I love deeply) knows nothing of this.

Two weeks ago, a SM who I met at work and I decided to go out for drinks one night - well, one thing led to another and we kissed and played around a bit. Well, he invited me out again last week and for some reason, I couldn't resist him and we had sex. urghhh..now I can't keep him off my mind. I feel like I've cheated on MM - have no regrets for what I did and feel no guilt about it with my H - just MM. I am petrified he will find out.

Do you think I'm out of control? What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: bakersgirl48
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 9:06pm
Hmmm...well, if the SM makes you feel petrified that MM will find out, seeing him doesn't really make you happy, right? But I would never judge.

Bakersgirl, as sexist as this may seem, I think you only feel guilty about this because you're a girl. If you were a man, you'd probably:

1. just say to yourself: "well, I'm only human, I couldn't help myself."

2. Then you'd make a reasoned decision whether you want to see the two men or not.

3. then , either you'd see the two men without feeling any guilt, OR...

4. you'd decide that you want to stick with just MM, whom you love deeply, forgive yourself for your mistake, file it away under "in the past", and move on without any guilt.

That's what a man would do.

I sympathize with the situation though. I love my MM very much. He needs and has asked for our relationship to be exclusive (besides spouses). But in my opinion we don't have enough sex. Several times since the beginning of the A, I've been approached by other M, so the opportunity has presented itself and sometimes I have felt tempted. Then one day I sat down with myself and said, girlie, before you do something you regret, you need to make a clear decision. I decided that as long as MM was in the picture, I was not going to go to bed with anyone else. Sometimes my decision really pisses me off. I have a very high sex drive. But you can only respect yourself if you remain true to your convictions. So, decide one way or the other, and stick by it!

just my 2¢

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
In reply to: bakersgirl48
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 6:22am
thanks Barefoot - great thoughts, but - I'm having a hard time with the thought of possibly sleeping with three men (don't forget, I'm married still) The thing with MM - I think once I split with H he'll be out of the picture (don't know that for sure, but, I'm assuming) I'm just feeling like I don't know who I am anymore and am spinning out of control.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: bakersgirl48
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 9:07am
barefootgirl.... baby... sweetie...

You really think this is what a man would do?

I'm going to suggest that a high majority of men wouldn't even give it the thought you suggested. Most would just sleep with three women until one of them caught him and *behold* a decision presents itself. Beg for that one to take you back or stick to "just" sleeping with two of them. On behalf of men, thank you for giving us credit for so much personal exploration, but we cannot accept this award...

All kidding aside, it obviously it depends on the man, or in this case, woman.

Bakersgirl, I think it sounds like you are headed into an unknown, unfamiliar, insecure place. And when that happens, I think it's natural to want to feel desired, wanted, and sought after. If you think MM will be out of the picture after your own M ends, then he doesn't provide much of that sheltering, nurturing environment you're looking for right now. Knowing another man wants you... that makes it a lot easier to go.

By way of comparison... I met my OW about two weeks after the first time I thought "Gee, maybe my W is a bad match for me; I wish I had gotten attached to someone more like me." That thought came about because I ran into a girl from college, a beautiful, very smart girl from my Shakespeare class. We were friendly in school, flirty but never dated. It was very nice to see her, she was extremely flirty and kept lightly touching my arm, but to her credit, put a stop to it when she noticed my wedding band. Even apologized. A few months later, after I started my A I ran into her and she was drinking and flirting... and if she hadn't held up better than me I'd have ended up home with her that night. Another mess, narrowly avoided. Thankfully.

I really think when you hit that point of realizing that what's supposedly the most stable relationship in your life is about to skid and slide out of control, you look around for hand holds. But that doesn't mean the SM isn't a better choice for you when you're single. It just means that you might consider being very careful with whom you spend time now and consider what your future is going to be.

Good luck.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
In reply to: bakersgirl48
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 12:33am
My affair is this..i am single he is married to my best friend. I occassionally sleep with other people out of a direct need to have sex and that's it. We have also engaged in threesomes with the wife. He knows about several of them but one in particular that is my ex he doesn't know about .He suppects since they are friends as well, not great friends but non the less know of eachother. WHAT A MESS! I KNOW! He's caught me on several lies and feels like if I expect him to leave wifey that i will be exclusive to him but my side says if he really loves me like he says, which I honestly don't doubt, that he would leave her. He says he needs reassurance that he's throwing his marriage away for a better one and I say technically i'm still single.. any thoughts? I love him and I will not cheat on him once we are married. I have never cheated on an exclusive relationship ever! But in the mean time I need some. He's around some but not enough.
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anonymous user
In reply to: bakersgirl48
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 8:41am
ilu

My opinion is if you are single you deserve to see other people. Why would he expect you to not date if he goes to bed with someone else every night! If I were to get a D, mm would have to accept that I would be seeing different people, as I would expect him to if the roles were reversed. why he would expect you to be exclusive to PROVE that you are worthy of a future relationship when he doesn't have to is beyond me!

dd