UGH HE HAS MY PHONE NUMBER!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
UGH HE HAS MY PHONE NUMBER!!!
15
Sat, 07-19-2003 - 5:36pm
Ok, so now he has my cell number!! He just called and asked me to come join a group that are out for the afternoon. I told him I can't because I'm helping my H get everything ready for the big camping trip. But he said that if I get finished early I can meet up with him and that I don't have to bring H with.

Who gave him my cell number and why would they do this too me?

He knows I'm married, I know I'm married. I can't keep avoiding him if our mutual friends are going to do things like give him my phone number!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 1:43am
Couple questions for ya: have you been in a relationship with this person? Are you sure his intentions are more than platonic? To me, it sounds innocent...please elaborate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 12:49pm
I'm not in a relationship with this person, and I never have been. I only met him a couple of months ago. He's the younger brother of one of my friends and lately he's been popping up at pretty much every social gathering of my friends. He never use to, we run in different circles, but since we met suddenly he's there almost every time I get together with this group of friends.

I'm married. My h is emotionally abusive and our marriage is dysfunctional at best. Huge, long, involved story, but the jest of it is I'm trying to decide if I want to continue trying to make this marriage work or if I want to get divorced.

This guy is anything but innocent. More like TROUBLE!!! Trust me, he's made his intentions perfectly clear. And there is no denying that we are both very attracted to each other.

And now he has my cell phone number.

My H asked me who it was when he called last night and what they wanted. I told him and he said I should go out with the group and have some fun. He wasn't interested in coming out and when I offered to stay in with him for the night he said he wasn't interested in that either.

So I went out. Probably shouldn't have, the smart thing to do would be just to avoid this guy like the plague, but I went anyway.

I want him, I can't help it, I really truly do. I shouldn't, I'm married, good or bad that means I'm unavailable. But I honestly want this guy so bad I can practically taste it. He asked me to sleep with him last night and I said no. I came home to my h.

One of his friends told me he hasn't seen him this worked up about a girl ever. I guess his whole mission last night was to get me to come out with them with or with out my H just so he could see me.

One thing is clear. I have enough issues in my marriage without adding him to the mix. I need to nip this in the butt pronto and stop going out when I know he's going to be there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 2:38pm
I can completely relate. I am craving a coworker but he hasn't come out and said "will you stay the night." I really don't know if I would have the strength to say no.

Anyway...I would tell him and make it perfectly clear that he is not to call your cell until you have sorted out your issues with your H. The last thing you want is for him to influence such an important decision.

Of course you could cut all ties, but don't lose friends that aren't involved over it. I don't know what else to tell you but as long as you are strong enough to say no to the sex...what is wrong with the flirting and a little tease? Is that bad? Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 4:35pm
Hi Ryle, Thanks for the understanding and advice. He asked me twice to go home with him and the second time I almost did say yes. He was wispering in my ear exactly what he would do to me if I did go back to his place. Oh my gawd!!!!!!!!

It was like putting chocolate cake in front of a dieter and saying sure, go a head and have a slice, just one slice can't be that bad for you! :)

A friend had driven us to the bar and on the way home OM sat in the front seat and I sat behind him. He reached back behind him and grabbed my hand. He held it all the way back to my apartment.

Just that subtle touch was such a huge turn on for me. I know that probably sounds ridiculous. But it's more honest, intimate affection then I've gotten from my husband in the past 2 and 1/2 years of our relationship. My h never wanted me sexually when we were just dating. He told me it was because he wanted to wait for our wedding night and any itimacy before then was too much of a temptation for him. I believed him. Sex is important to me in a relationship, but its not the most important thing so I felt I could wait to be affectionate to respect his decision. We've been married for 9 months now and we've had sex less than 10 times. He didn't even want to do it on our wedding night. I had to beg him for it then.

OM on the other hand is just the opposite, he takes every chance he can to touch me. Brushing my hand, put his arm around me, dancing with me...anything just be close to me. I can't discribe how that makes me feel. Almost like for the first time in years I feel like a woman again. Does that make any sense?

I don't want to loose my friends over this, so I hate the thought of not going out with that group of people anymore to try and avoid him. But at the same time I know I have to draw a clear line. Besides, I've proven that I can handle it. I said no last night and I could do same again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 6:52pm
ohhhhh....I know it! The small physical touches from OM sends a chill all through my body. I feel as though it is so childish to get butterflies over little contact but it makes me feel vibrant and alive and completely turned on as well. I have been with my H for 5 years...married for 18 months...and to be honest, I was and am too young. I regret it. We don't want children for 5 more years so I wish I could be out and crazy and running around again. I didn't sew all of my oats. I have thought about talking to H about a threesome...just something to get him excited about me again.

You had mentioned emotional abuse earlier...do you want to talk about it?

Just letting you know that I'd listen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 8:40pm
There is just something electric about the touch from someone you want and can't have!! I know there were a couple of times last night on the dance floor when OM leaned in like he was going to kiss me, and then pull away. Such a tease!!

I'm 26 and sewed many many wild oats, but I've learned in the last 9 months that I am not cut out for being a wife.

My h holds very high expectations which I don't meet. In my college days I was a wild child and probably had a little too much fun. I don't regret anything, but I've slept with 5 men including my husband and I've had a threesome. (which if you husband is up for it I highly recommend it by the way. :) )

My H only knows that I was not a virgin on our wedding night. He said he was ok with it, but he treats me like I'm a slut. He's come right out and called me damaged goods and other types of names, even in front of our friends.

I've got a couple of tattoos and my belly button pireced. That's an issue for him too.

He out right lied to me about his financial situation before we got married. I've lost all my savings trying to keep up with his debt.

He's pretty controlling. I have to ask permission to go out and give him details on who's going out and where we are going. He went on a camping trip a couple of weeks ago with some of his guy friends and even tried to plan out my weekend for me with people he thinks I should be hanging out with.

Last night OM and our friend pulled the car around back to our patio door and made jokes about breaking me out of jail. :)

He loves to rip apart my friends and family. He tries to get me to spend more time with people he approves of and less time with my brother, who I'm extremely close to, and my friends from before we were together.

H is forever putting me down. I don't know exactly how to explain it. For example...his sister just had a baby two weeks ago. I'm very excited about being an aunt. The first time I refered to myself as Aunt Katie he told me that I'm not really the child's Aunt because I'm not related by blood. It's things like that all the time.

He has a terrible temper too. He's never laid a hand on me, but he'll chew out a cashier for five minutes if they make a mistake, he takes road rage to a whole new meaning and he's gotten physical with a few guys, including one pretty major brawl. He has gotten a little too physical with our dog on occassion too. Nothing major but enough that I've spoken up. I figure better him yell at me then keep shoving the puppy around.

He denies me any intimacy. I had to beg for it on both our wedding night and honeymoon. I've tried different things, teddies, lotions, even standing butt naked in front of him and I get denied all the time. But then he'll complain to me that we don't have sex enough and that I don't love him enough. The sex we do have is terrible. He only lasts a few minutes, is stuck in missionary position and I haven't orgasimed in 8 months.

We've already been to marriage counseling for all of this and he saw a counselor on his own. He was abused by his mother when he was a child and he is now displaying alot of those behaviors in our relationship. He says he's trying to change and I don't doubt that he is. I just doubt my desire to stick around long enough for it to happen.

I honestly would love to file for divorce tomorrow, but I've got a lot of pride and I'm very stubborn. Its hard for me to admit that it's over and to give up on a marriage that isn't even a year old.

Anyway, I hope that gives you a better sense of where I'm coming from. Be so thankful that you have a loving husband, but don't be afraid to stick up for yourself. If you need something more on the sexual side of your relationship then ask for it.

Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 1:49pm
Celtic,

Yes, that forbidden touch is electric. It is one of the

main things that keeps me going. Sounds like your OM is a

pretty good flirt. Lucky you, that sword cuts both ways ;)

When your H lets those comments slip, things like "Damaged

Goods", and the Aunt comment, he is treating you to a glimpse

of his inner view of you. It is emotionally abusive, but

more importantly, it tells you how he regards you. I would

get him to verify it by calling him on it and asking if he

really meant to say that. My guess is that he did. Maybe

not to intentionally hurt you, or maybe specifically to do

that. Most women find it very hard to live with this.

So what does 5 men and a threesome by 26 make you? If the

truth be known, probably about average. It took me to 28 to

make 5, and I have missed out on the menage, but Kinsey or

Masters and Johnson I think would find it about average.

Just remember, a numphomaniac can be defined as any woman

that likes sex more than you do. There is no yardstick for

human sexual need, there is no "abnormal". There is only

more and less desire, and a lot of moralizing about "excess".

I am trying to figure out you and your H. So why did he

marry you to begin with, if that is what he thought of you,

or did something change?

Let me restate your post:

He doesn't like your body art.

He resents your sexual "experience".

He is gratuitously abusive to people.

He has a very bad temper.

He is cruel to animals.

He lied to you about the finances.

He apparently spends much more than he should, since you are

bailing him out of his debts.

He hates your friends and family.

He has a bad case of road rage.

He denies you intimacy.

He wants to control your life.

Your comment about not meeting his high expectations

leads me to suspect you have some self esteem issues,

which I can thoroughly understand. I have to wonder just

what you are getting out of this relationship. I wouldn't

be too quick to decide you were not cut out to be a wife,

maybe just not his wife.

If you look at the list I pulled from your post, are there

any red warning flags missing from your marriage? Like maybe

that he is an avid hunter that likes to boil down small animals

in vats of acid? His idea of a perfect Saturday is watching TV

and shooting heroin on the sofa? (I'm being sarcastic here,

and I shouldn't be, but I am going over the top to make a point).

If all you say is true, why are you still there?

You may be as stubborn as the day is long, but some relationships

cannot be made to fly. At 26 with only a year into the M, I would

take my cue and CAREFULLY exit stage left. You have a long, full life

ahead, and you should spend it with someone that makes you

happy. You can spend a lifetime trying to work through these kinds

of issues. That is just my opinion though.

Speaking of "damaged goods", not everyone can be "fixed".

It is not your fault he was abused, he shouldn't take it out on you.

Can you construct any probable scenarios in your own mind that

have this marriage working out to your benefit? What are they?

Finally, I have to wonder what you saw in H to begin with.

Surely some of these behaviors were evident early on. Try

to be more careful next time.

Thats my 2 cents worth. Sorry to ramble. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 7:16pm
Celtic...

I totally agree 100% with Desert...great insight!

I'm a lot like you but the thing that differs is that my H is also alike.

We are both professionals in the design industry which allows us to be a little crazy and express our individuality with tattoos, piercing, etc.

Did your H not know about the wild side in you? Or has this been since you two married? In that case, it could be your way of screaming for your freedom and space.

IMO, take a long deep breath and what does you gut say?

You probably know the answer.

It doesn't have to be a long difficult road of therapy. What are your fears or reservations of leaving him? Are they all things that you can overcome in the long hall?

Here is a scenario that may be of interest: my boss thinks that if you don't spend hours and days making a decision than how do you know its the right one? My answer...bc I trust myself from the beginning and why waste so much time and effort over it if I know its the right one.

Keep it simple and make a clean cut why you can...maybe that is too much of my opinion but that is why we are here at this board...to get support and unbiased advice, right?!

In the meantime...enjoy the butterflies with the OM!!!

Hugs,

Ryle

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 8:24pm
If your H feels like this about you, then what was his motive for marrying you? I am so sorry that you are in this situation, my H also, has been emotionally abusive, and words do hurt. I have often said that I would rather get punched in the face, than be emotionally abused, at least outside bruises heal, heart bruises stay with you. I often wonder what my H's motivations are to stay with me after I was caught in my EMA. My H is trying now, I do believe he has a willingness to change. He also has habits, mannerisms that he developed from his childhood. Yelling, name calling, belittling, etc. You get the picture, I am sure.

I also know where you are coming from when it comes to this OM. I too have someone who wants me, I just refer to him as my friend. In the last year, I have resisted being with him, and it is hard, esp. after he kissed me. OMG, I can't remember the last time I was kissed like that. H certainly doesn't. Most of the time, H makes me feel like I am a convenience. My friend always has something nice to say to me, he compliments me, tells me I am pretty, this makes me feel so good. He even surprised me with a nice present last Christmas and it really touched me because he remembered something that I had said in passing months before, and bought me that present based on that. It was so sweet. I have had Christmases where my H didn't get me anything. And the passing touches, his hand touching mine, once he cupped my face with his hand and slid his hand down my neck. Once I ran into him in a bar, and he came and sat with me and held my hand under the table, (tried to take my wedding ring off), and also slid his hand on my thigh. Talk about electric!! That was the night he first kissed me. And I could have slept with him that night, but I resisted somehow, and it helped knowing that H was home waiting for me. Sheesh, sometimes I feel like cinderella, and if I don't get home at a decent hour, I will turn into a pumpkin. There was also two other instances, once I went for a ride with him and we ended up parking, but we only got as far as heavy petting. Another time I could have, but didn't. It is difficult, especially when they keep pursuing you. It is way more than sexual with us though, over this last year we have developed a strong friendship, and because of the emotional tie it is even more difficult to resist. I am caught between wanting him and wanting my marriage to work. Now my problem is that he wants to take me out for the day in 2 weeks, if I go, I know what will happen, I am at the point that I will not be able to resist.

Hugs,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 10:16pm
So many things to say to everybody. :)

First and foremost thank you all for your advice and for taking the time to respond to my post. I'm dealing with a head and heart full of feelings and issues right now and it's great to be able to get some thoughts out and get such great feed back.

First OM is more than just a good flirt, he's a regular Duan Juan. Ha ha! If he kissed me I'm sure I'd be lost to his bidding. He wanted me to take a walk with him that night and I wouldn't because I knew being in a public place was my last safety net. :) So Itty, I have no idea how you manage to still resist. You are a strong strong woman.

I also have no idea why my h married me either. I am who I am. For christ sake we met for the first time at a major drinking party. He's friends with enough people I know that any story I didn't tell him myself he's heard from others. I've never been anything but honest with him.

I think he figured I'd settle down, that he could tame me. But I don't know. I also think he had an ideal in his head about who he thinks I am or at least who I should be. But who knows, maybe being a bit crazy and more outrageous was a turn on in a girl friend but isn't acceptable anymore as a wife.

My biggest hang up for sticking with him is what my family would say. They mean more to me than anything in the world and I wouldn't be able to stand it if they were disappointed in me. My brother is funny. I've been talking to him on and off about my marriage all along. Being the typical big brother he offered to come down and beat up my husband. Just joking of course. But his concern is for my happiness and he said he'd stick behind me what ever my decision. My dad is a traditionalist. A few year's ago he got remarried and divorced her three year's later. She was an aloholic and drug abuser and refused all his efforts to help her. Divorcing her was so difficult for him. It went against his moral background. I hadn't talk to him about what's been going on because he's been sick. He had a heart attack and I didn't want to cause more stress in his life. I wanted him to recover fully first. But I just got off the phone with my dad a little bit ago. We talked for a couple of hours and I filled him in on everything. He gave me the name of his lawyer and said I shouldn't let things sit any longer. I love my dad!

Now that I look back, good 'ole hind sight, I see everything was there I just wasn't connecting the dots. He kept changing jobs, but he always had a seemingly reasonable excuse for why. He spent lots of money, but he wasn't paying any bills living with his parents so it never struck me. Now I know how he was managing it. He was borrowing from his parents left and right.

A lot of it he kept hidden/bottled up and its all coming out now that we are married. And a lot of it was very typical of an abuser, a little nibble at a time until you've got um trapped.

I hate the idea of being 26 and divorced, but I hate the idea even more of spending a life time trying to make some one happy who will never accept me for who I am.

I'm not sure where I'm going from here. But at least I know I have my family behind me.

And OM to flirt with!!! :)

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