Ugly ending. Advice urgently needed
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Ugly ending. Advice urgently needed
| Sun, 03-14-2004 - 11:29am |
I'm a MW, mostly a lurker, who posted here a bit last fall. At the time I'd been in an emotional-only (non sexual) relationship with a MM I'll call MF. MF's W found some email that MF and I had exchanged and was very upset. She agreed to continue in the M on the condition that he and I had no more contact with each other. We agreed and for awhile we were NC. But eventually we started communicating again. MF is my best friend and I am his and we missed each other terribly. It was just so hard to stay away. We used what we THOUGHT were pretty secure channels of communication. Unfortunately, we were wrong. W went searching through MFs computer and found more email last night. Now she is on the warpath. She has sent me a dozen angry emails. She also left an angry message on my answering machine. She said she won't stop until my H knows the truth. So this morning I sat my H down and talked to him about the whole situation. I didn't give him all the details about the depth of my feelings for MF - I told him we had a brotherly/sisterly relationship with somewhat romantic overtones. I told H I was sorry for the whole thing, sorry that there's an angry W on the warpath, sorry for the whole bloody mess. H has been remarkably supportive. He feels bad for the fact that we've drifted apart in the last few years and he wants to work on getting our marriage strong again.
So here's my question. Should I email MF's W back and let her know that, she has a right to be angry, that I've told my husband everything, that I'm sorry for her pain and that it is all over now - permanently? Or, if she's done venting her anger at me, then maybe she's done contacting me and so I should leave things alone and not respond?
So here's my question. Should I email MF's W back and let her know that, she has a right to be angry, that I've told my husband everything, that I'm sorry for her pain and that it is all over now - permanently? Or, if she's done venting her anger at me, then maybe she's done contacting me and so I should leave things alone and not respond?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much!
GB2
PS: She just now called here again. She's want to forward all my email to H. Ugh! I'm tempted to have H call her back and tell her that he knows all about it and to stop calling....

Good luck. It sounds as if you and your husband are well on your way to getting through this and if you can get the W out of your hair it will certainly make your path to a stronger marriage a clearer one. Do what ever you need to to get her to leave you alone...
What ever you do you do not want your husband catching you in any sort of a lie including the true feelings you have for MF, if there is a real chance of MF wife showing your husband evidence that you lied you had better tell him first, she could do anything like showing up at your door or his workplace.
In this case I think the total truth is your best friend.
F
What a mess! I have a question - just how intimate are the e-mails between you and MF? It sounds as if your H is trying to be understanding and supportive and if the e-mails aren't too personal, it may be best to come completely clean with H. However, if you know the e-mails are going to upset H more than he already is, then best not to let those come to his attention. If you need to keep the e-mails hidden, then I would suggest you contact MF's W, apologize, and then you and MF take a little break to let things calm down for everyone. During that time you both might determine a better way to keep in touch or decide to end the EMA. Best of luck - gosh I feel for you!!
Cricket
What did you say in the emails? Were they just flirtatious, or overt? If they were just flirtatious, couldn't OM use the same "defense" that you did - that you two are just friends? If that's the case, then she is off her rocker. If you were telling him how and what you wanted to do to him, well, that's certainly more apt to provoke her, but I still think she's overstepping her bounds.
I would let OM tell her your husband is aware of what happened and is also aware of how she's constantly calling you and emailing you. Maybe she'll get the hint.
And keep in mind that ANYTHING on a computer can be traced/uncovered, etc. The best way to be safe is NOT PUT ANYTHING IN WRITING unless you're using a library computer or a 3rd party computer away from your home.