Ultimatum??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Ultimatum??
16
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:05pm
Talked to OM yesterday. He made some comments that he thought would be funny...but came across to me very badly. Fast forward to today...I emailed him, letting him know that he hurt my feelings. Well he apologized, but it wasn't an apology, I mean he said the words, but the tone wasn't there you know. I'm hurting right now, and he said, We're in an Affair! I said, I know. He said, I'm not giving you an ultimatum by any means, but something's got to give. (Sounds to me like an ultimatum) He said he feels he's being treated unfairly in our relationship, and that H is also being treated unfairly. Said he wants to shout from the rooftops that he's found me, but can't tell anyone. Does he think I don't understand that???!!

Well, we had this same sort of conversation several weeks ago, and I told him that I do intend to leave H. But it will take time for me to build my courage. You all understand I'm sure...well I don't know what to do. I love OM. And I don't want him to have to be in this situation, and I also, don't want to be in this situation. I'm so torn up inside.

OM won't tell me he loves me, because he said he can't say it and then send me off to another man. But I know he knows that I love him. I know he's thinking, how can I love him, and go home to another man. I don't know what I'm asking for...but God why does it have to be like this...

I'm supposed to spend the day with him this Saturday, and after our conversation today, I'm feeling that he may not want to.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:01pm
I've determined that it is very difficult to get reassurances. I think it was that same week - I was pissed at my H and pissed at my MM all at the same time because I wasn't getting the responses that I wanted. That's when I figured out that I had to give myself reassurance. Constantly I have to tell myself, I know he wouldn't do that, why am I thinking it. I guess it's all just part of this predicament (my MM's word)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:14pm
Boston, thank you so much for your input. It really helped me to see his side. He's pretty much tired of sneaking around, and hiding me from his family. Somehow his brother found out about me (brother doesn't know I'm married) and asked OM why he didn't bring me to family functions. OM said I was just his FWB. But that hasn't shut B up. Apparently he asks about me a lot.

(I was spending a saturday with OM at his house, when his B unexpectedly stopped by. Thank God we weren't naked...LOL!) OM says he hates lying to his family.

Through your R with MW, what did you think of her? can you share??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 3:09pm
In your note you stated.... "Yesterday, your comments, no matter how truthful..." you are toooooo good to say things like that about yourself, honey. I think Juliet is still right... even though he probably really was kidding, you need to think better of yourself.


Edited 3/23/2004 4:15 pm ET ET by saturdaysister
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 3:11pm
It was sheer hell and this is an understatement. I often wondered just how much longer I would last. I was frustrated, emotionally exhausted, insanely jealous, scared out of my wits of losing her, I wanted more than anything for her to leave her marriage and it physically hurt me to see how uncertain she was about this but our moments together were so precious and delightful and made me so deliriously happy that I couldn't even imagine not having it in my life.

I am sure he feels the same. I kept it all in while I could. Apparently he has reached the point where it's no longer possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 3:28pm
Thank you for your kind words. It's not that I don't think I'm worth it. I know I'm a very pretty woman, with a great attitude, and I could go on. I mean my mom always jokes about how "humble" I am..LOL But I guess I'm with Red Bella on this one. If it was someone besides me, before I had the A, I would think she was a slut, no matter what. And, I can't help but feel that kind of persecution, I guess for lack of a better word, within my own self. Knowing what I know about me, I feel like a hypocrite, sometimes. I mean, we've all experienced the guilt. And even though he was joking, I guess he evoked those feelings in me, unbeknownst to him.

I knew in my heart of hearts that he would never talk to me like that. But it was just the wrong comment at the wrong time, you know. We won't be able to continue our "discussion" until tomorrow. He's extremely busy at work today, and I know I picked a wrong time to fuss with him about it. But you know, he didn't even say that when he called. He said, he was busy, but after reading my email, we needed to talk, but he probably couldn't talk long. Things escalated, but never were they heated. I know we'll work it out...

((((((BOSTON)))))) Thank you so much for your insight into his mind. I know that you can't speak for every man, but the words you wrote were so poignant, that I think that must be something of what he is going through. Thank you for opening my eyes to his side, as best you could. Thanks again!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: bad_kitty314
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 3:45pm
Well so much for what I know. OM just called to apologize again, and tell me that he's counting the minutes until Saturday. I apologized too for being so sensitive about the whole thing. I said I know that you would never say anything like that to me. He told me no reason to apologize, he understands. He said his lips went faster than his brain and he truly thought I would laugh. Told me he cared about me deeply (what he says instead of I love you) and wants to talk more tomorrow. No mention of the ultimatum. But I do work with some lawyers, and I talked to one of my good friends. He told me what I would need to file from H, and what we would have to do to divvy up the assets. Even said he'd give me a discount...LOL Told me to dump the loser...gotta love your friends!! THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SO WONDERFUL AND HONEST!!!

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