Unbelievably hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2009
Unbelievably hurt
38
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 7:53pm

Hi all,


I wrote earlier how my AP's daughter found texts to him from a 'married woman'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 6:31pm

Hi scots.
I have been following this thread over the last day, & I wanted to see how you are doing.
And to say I definately relate to you about the state of your M. However--please make plans to leave your M for the problems within for yourself-not for your AP.
I have been thru divorce - I was only 23, but still--my whole life changed. I changed my life 6 times over the past 21 years, & every time the people in my life at that time changed too.

It was only when I took myself & my happiness out of the equation that I settled & married again. I did it for stability for my then 11 yr old son. He had been all over the place in the course of my singing career-what career it was/is. I sacrificed for him & made due with a decent man, but one in which there was issues for me from the very get-go.
My son is now 20. Has a good life-goes to college & works part time & is a good young man. However...he suspects my A & told me so. He sees the signs my H ignores. My son felt betrayed! He confronted me with this statement: "If I find its true you are seeing someone else, You will NEVER know your grrandchildren." (whoa!!)

I admitted nothing! But I did have a talk with him about how he is NOT ALLOWED to disown me...for whatever reason...just like I would never disown him. Even if he committed murder-I am his mother & always will be. I also explained to him that I did a good job raising him & sacrificed EVERYTHING...I WANTED TOO. Now he is on his path to making his own life. I should be allowed to do the same (My H is NOT his biological father, BTW)-without having to answer to my own son & fearing his "disapproval". I reminded him that there are things & people in his life I am not very fond of but unless serious harm is coming to him, I don't interfere.
I said all this calmly, but firmly. I am the Parent--he is the Child...& it will be that way no matter how old he is.

He has been just fine since then (this was 2 weeks ago) & has not brought it up or acts like it is still weighing on his mind.

I said all that to give my thoughts on your AP & his adult daughter situation. I think he feels tremendous guilt for not being able to give his DD the life he thinks would've been better. A Nuclear family. There is no other way she could have this kind of control over him. BUT I also think it brought to light his own feelings regarding the R between the 2 of you.

There is a possibility that you go thru the steps to leave your M only to find its too late for your AP.-& that could be YOUR thought-not his. Its a brave move to leave a "comfort-zone" & we grow from it-change-survive. Sometimes when that happens, we see we didn't really NEED so & so. Sometimes we change so much, that the benefit we received from a certain individual is no longer the same benefit. That's why its important to make life-altering decisions for yourself-not anyone else. In the end-the only person you have to live with -is yourself.

Yes--you need to become self-sufficient. & boy do I ever relate on the econmomy thing. If you were able to, I would ask your AP, that if you just filed for divorce-would he support you?-Financially?-If not-he would have to wait until you could at least do that.
You have been thru so much--me too--we do survive & get stronger for that.

BTW-Your daughter is lucky to have your support & encouragement. I had no such thing growing up & that was hard. It took me much longer to get where I am-as little of a pond as that is. It would've been nicer to know I had my parents' support. Keep nurturing her & her gifts...but don't forget about nurturing yourself too!

Starsong

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 7:33pm

Twenty Five years married--an affair in the 24th year of the M....the D process is difficult there are good and bad days--i have a tremendous support group (you know who you are) and my 'children' have accepted the D and wish us both only happiness. H is another story but we are slowly making our way thru the mire.

It is daunting but i have faith in myself and know that I can't live in the 'box' my H wants me in. And--I can't continue in the A married--my fear of discovery and it affecting how my kids saw me
just wasn't acceptable. Also staying married without my lover well I
won't give him up..I had to make a choice and I have. I recommend Therapy for any woman who needs to look inside herself to find what
she needs...because frankly most of us tend to some many others needs that we lose our 'selves' along the way.......

Be well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2009
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 10:22pm

Hi goddess_starsong1,


I so appreciate your posts, you don't know what they mean to me.


I have no idea what AP is thinking or how he handled his DD, because he is not in contact with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2009
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 12:32am

Hi Scottish,


I've just read all the threads to your post. First of all let me tell you that Maystone hands out some wonderful support because she has been giving me support on another post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 8:41pm

Hi Scots...


Ok...I just put myself in your shoes...& I got sick to my stomach! I thought about my feelings for my AP & how I might feel if he ended it &/or limited contact for any reason. OMG...I can't think like that for too long!


I love him & he loves me "so completely"-like you described. I don't know how I could handle it if all of that just suddenly stopped. 3 yrs is a long time...I have been very involved with him for only 8 months! He has helped me so much thru all the difficult stuff I had to go thru in that time.


I can remember feeling very heartbroken over a prior A when contact suddenly stopped & your description of the state you're in reminds me very much of me at that time. (It had to do with Another woman coming into the picture)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2009
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 11:00am

Hi passionate,


Thank you so much for your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2009
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 11:12am

Hi goddess_starsong1!


Thanks for checking in, and I do have an update.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 3:54pm

and you have MAS to help you through the divorce and celebrate your decisions about your new life!

Mrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2009
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 4:21pm

Yes, Mrs. you're so right, thank you!


P.S. I messaged you privately, did you ever get it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 4:47pm

NO! do it again!!

Mrs.