Uncomfortable Situations

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Uncomfortable Situations
22
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 9:21pm
Hey,

I'm feeling pretty angry right about now. My MM has gone away for a week with his family. I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with this situation. His explanation is he has no control over the plans that are made. We were suppose to spend time with each other a day before his departure. Somehow I wasn't feeling it because I sensed his preoccupation. It was so hard to say goodbye to him that day, I felt myself becoming emotional and didn't want to show it to him. He kept telling me how much he loves me and how much he's going to miss me. Somehow those words aren't enough to subside the pain. How do you deal with these situations? Another thing that came to mind is how can people who say they are unhappy with their partners stay with them much less go on vacation. It's so easy to pretend with them what makes me think he's not doing the same with me. When we talk he sounds genuine however, after reading some of your postings it seems like a bunch of bull to me. I've made up my mind to leave my self open to opportunities out there. I will not stop living my life waiting for this man to make a decision. I would like us to be together but I can't hold my breath waiting for it to happen. Do you agree on my take of meeting other guys even though I haven't ended it with him? Positive and non-judgemental feedback please.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 9:29pm
You and I are so in the same situation. So many days I feel like all I hear is BLA BLA BLA from him. I have been 3 years now and swore I wouldn't be one of those women who just kept hangin in there. I have dated on a few occasions, and find myself feeling like I am cheating on HIM. Can you believe that??? I even went so far as to go to Mexico with another man, and ended up missing my MM more than ever. I honestly think that if you are in love with you OM that you owe it to yourself to walk away from him, clean! Then do thru your mourning and start looking. If you dont go thru the steps, you will probably never truly stop looking for him in other guys. However, if he is just a "passing fling" well then you may be able to find someone else with him still in the pic. I know I cant. I just hope you find your strength and happiness and that you dont end up years down the road, wishing you would have done things different. Like I do on many days. Best to you. Write back if you wanna. Im on the post board too asking for my own advice. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 10:09pm
HI,

I've dealt with this so many times!! MY OM goes on vacation alteast once amonth with is family. they have a lot of money so they can just go away at any time they feel like it. He think a weekend trip is not a vacation although I disagree. He also goes away atleast twice a year for 7-10 days, but he always calls me.. like every other day or leaves me a message on our voice mail. Is your OM going to call you?

I'm sorry I don't know if your M or not? R U? If you're not married then go out see other men, it may only get your mind of your MM for a little while but do it.! He can't expect you to sit at home and wait for him and you're wasting time if you do... I always tell my MM that I don't want to be almost 40 (I'm almost 30) and look back and wonder why I wasted so much time being unhappy. there are plenty of men out there and if you look long enough you'll find a man who may not give you what MM gives you but you never know it could be better, and different is good too. Just give some Other men a chance.

Put some make-up on, your cutest little outfit and go get some attention... LOL

I hope this was encouraging in some way.

Another thing my MM does is... he only turns his cell on when he can receive a phone call, like when his W isn't around. I know this won't work for everyone since they use their cells for work, but when it rings I know he's alone. And sometimes if she's there he just says I have the wrong number, but I always start off asking for someone else, and asking if he's busy. That way I know if she's around.

Talk care, lots of hugs!!

=)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 10:39pm
If you are single, my advice would be to find someone who can give you 100% in a relationship. You owe it to yourself not to waste away months turning into years of your life. Decide what you want out of life and go after it. When I first became involved with my MM, I was single and he was married, years ago. I asked him if he was leaving his wife and he said no. So I broke it off and went on with my life. Didn't meet my husband until years later. Then years later, MM came back into my life and we have started a relationship, but I already have what I want, only MM gives me what I need. I still think I made the right decision years ago; MM came back. I told him that if I became available and he stayed in his marriage, I would pursue another relationship with someone who could give me 100% but he would still be my friend. The point is don't put your life on hold for someone who has no intention of being with you in a normal relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 1:27am
Hey there cosmogirl:

It is tough to say goodbye. What usually is a farewell greeting to most is often painful for women involved in our situations. My H and I went on vactaion for ten days. My MM got sick and I could do nothing but think about him and wanting to be with him during this time. I know that when I came home we just held eachother tight. We didn;t speak we just held echother. We didn't have s**, we just needed eachother. We talked several times while I was out of town. Yet holding him and being with him was incredible.

I think that choosing our life partners may take more than one try. When I met my MM I felt for the first time in my life complete. I absolutely adore him. I know in my heart that if we were to end it, I would always want to know that he is happy and safe. I feel lucky to have met him, to have experienced him and most of all to have been loved by him. His love is wonderful. I think if you are lucky enough to feel that kind of love and connection as deep as that with anyone, it is worth saving. It is hard to imagine that anything good can ever come about in these situations. However, I know now the love that I so much deserve, the love that is lacking in my marriage. Does that make me a bad person, maybe. Does that make me a fool?-I wonder everyday. I know that the pain will be great when it does end. I don't think he will leave his wife and children but I do know that I will leave the relationship with more of an understanding of what I deserve, how I should be loved in the future.

Your MM still has an obligation just like my MM. Unfortunately we all knew about their relationships yet cannot control how we feel after being in an EMA. No one reads romance novels about happy marriages, life is complicated. You have to look at what you want with him and how you feel without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 8:51am
Hi cosmogirl...

I just wanted to give you some thoughts about being the "other side" of the coin. I am a MW and have had 2 affairs ... In one of them, I was seperated and the MM was living with his DW. I was like you, he would tell me he was going somewhere with the W for a week, or ever a DAY, and I was so torn up. It was worse when he would ask me to watch their dog...I can recall the angry cell phone calls to him the hour before they left, in which I spit out " hope you have a romatic weekend with your lovely wife." Then things changed when for several reasons that I won't go into here, my H moved 3600 miles to be back with me, and I continued to have the A. Suddenly, I could relate to the "needing to go away with the spouse etc."

Is your MM in a position to leave his marriage right now? Is he ready for the BIG showdown? I am not happy in my marriage at all. BUT my H is a wonderful man, probably deserving of someone BETTER than me. But I can't leave yet, I am not financially in a place where it is feasible for me to leave. And, as much as I am in love with someone else...I DO care about NOT hurting my H. So, I still take vacations with the H, I still have sex with the H - of course...not for my enjoyment but for his... I play it off like it was wonderful sex -all the while I am dying inside... gritting my teeth ...wishing, wishing I was with the OM. Probably much like your MM is doing.

YOU need to decide if waiting for the MM to have the time for you, or making the break is time that you will accept without dating or seeing someone else. Personally, I think you should leave yourself open to things that DO come your way. This A I am speaking of has evolved into a very very close friendship, and YES I do LOVE him but I learned after 3 years of waiting that he is happy to accept his marriage, warts and all, like it is and will never leave his W. I learned to let go of that dream ... like pulling at a half healed scab, but eventually, it healed.

So, before you get angry at him..think of the other side. I don't know if this helped much ..I haven't had my morning coffee yet so this may make NOOO sense at all... but maybe it did just a little.

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 10:58am
Cosmogirl,

I know you feel like he is just prancing off for a fun-filled vacation, but see it from the other side: he is M and he has to do all the things a M person does. If you want to meet other guys and still have the MM in your life, who is using whom?

Being involved with a M person means that you have to do a lot of waiting around sometimes, and there are several people on this board who have been with their MM/MW for years & years. And guess what, we don't freak out when they go on vacation, and we know they aren't leaving their marriages. But we are also secure in the knowledge that the R is, in many ways, MUCH better than the one they share with their spouses.

Sometimes you have to trust the words spoken by your MM and let those sustain you in this time apart. You two will have many good years together if you allow him space to make everything look "right" at home--he'll give you more than he'll ever give his W, believe me.

Use this time for yourself, and get into some person projects you've been meaning to do. It's not easy sometimes, but if you relax and accept the reality (ups & downs) of being involved with a M person, you'll find much more bliss than disappointment--if you two are good for each other over the long haul.

And remember, you have a role in making it work for him too.

Good luck,

--LG

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 6:56pm
I hear what you are saying, however I feel like such a fool. I really can't see myself with anyone else. But I feel like he has such control over my life because of my feelings for him. Like no matter what he does or how long he stays I'll keep on waiting for him. I've tucked myself safely away in my loneliness because I would feel guilty if I went out with somebody else. Dosen't that sound ridiculous to you. The only reason why I'm upset is because I feel she senses something and is taking up as much of his time as possible. Whenever we have plans is like she senses it and throws a wrench into it.

From what he has told me she never gave him the time of day, why now in the past couple of months is she trying to play her role. You said in your email about the space issue he will give me more than his wife, how are you so sure? How long have you been in your EMA and how have you been able to deal with various situations that arise. Thanks for your feedback, hope to hear back from you.

P.S. I need some insight on how I should react to him upon his arrival. Thank again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 7:10pm
Hi Lexylew,

My MM said he would call me during the week at the first opportunity. I doubt that opportunity will present itself. I'm not married, and feel kind of foolish for feeling remotely guilty in considering dating other guys. I wish it were that simple, the majority of single men out there are emotionally unavailable and creeps. It scares me just thinking about the jerks out there. I love my man because he everything they are not. It stinks that he's married. Life has a weird sense of humor. I'm just going to try and go out with my girls and have fun. I'm really not interested in meeting anybody, if it happens great I made a new friend. How do you handle it when your MM is away, or you can't see him or talk to him? Thanks for your support and hugs.

P.S. I miss him but at the same time I'm pissed at him lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 9:30pm
Cos,

No need to feel foolish. No, I don't think you sound rediculous. The nature of being involved with a M person finds us waiting around often. "Tucking" yourself away is okay too, but you're allowed to go out and enjoy life with other people. I'm single and I'm very active, but I don't sleep around. I have made this MW the center of my romantic life, but not my "whole" life, if you know what I mean. I have adult kids, a profession, and a busy recreational life. I am crazy about this woman, so I have to be patient and wait for the times we can get away. And like you, I can't see being with anyone but her.

To answer your questions: 1-Almost 10 years for us. 2-The "space" I mentioned means this: you have to give him room/time so he can "prove" to his W that all's cool. He is probably sweating bullets trying to figure out how to balance everything. Just ask him.

I know it's tough sometimes, but if you're patient things will bend in your favor. If you're both in it for the long haul, you'll be surprised at how things will work out.

Hope this helps.

--LG

PS: When he returns tell him you missed him, ask him what the best part of the trip was, then ask if he missed you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 12:43am
Chloe,

I could've written the first part of your message! that is so me.! I need to somehow know how to deal with him wanting his marriage and wanting me to, how can he be in love with me, but want to stay with his W? How's you understand it?

If you have AOL or AIM you can IM me At ThinkHppy6.. I'd love that. Or you can email me at Bornfrmabv@aol.com if you'd like i'd love to chat with you.

=)

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