unsure of what to do
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unsure of what to do
| Tue, 01-20-2004 - 11:52am |
I'll give you a little background info that happened before my A. My H sat home having an online A for over 3 years with one girl. He also had many others while with her. While he was having affairs he was laid off and I was working. He says he never met any of them but I don't know. Well after I found out about what he was doing he tried getting me to swing. I finally agreed thinking it would help but it actually made things worse because I resented it and hated almost every minute of it. He was back to work by this time and I was home with the 2 little ones. We have been together 17 years and married 14. Right before our annivesary last year he wanted to go to one of his parties I didn't want to go I wanted that weekend just for us. Needless to say we ended up going. Nothing was supposed to happen. Well he couldn't control himself and did what he wanted anyways while I sat there. I took off to the bathroom crying. Well during the summer while the swinging was going on we both had a good friend and neighbor (nothing to do with swinging). He would be over there during the day and I would be in the evening. Our son played over there we had to watch him. When all of this happened I turned to our best friend. We became really close and after a cpl months it ended up we had feelings for each other we shouldn't have. Since there were emotions involed I considered it an A. I felt so wrong. And I told the OM that we could only be friends and shouldn't be around each other so much. Then H kept trying to get me to go over there for he could have free reign of the pc at night. He wanted to have cybersex and knew I wouldn't agree since there had been a stop to the swinging. H would fight with me just to get me to go outside. Needless to say that pushed me closer to the OM. One night things went a little to far besides talk and the OM kissed me. It was so nice I didn't want to go home. A couple weeks after that H caught me kissing the OM. Oh boy needless to say I wasn't allowed over there anymore. But I was hooked on the affection and love I was getting that I wasn't getting at home. The A should have stopped then but it didn't. After about another month the A went further than kissing. I told OM that I wasn't sure if I would ever leave my life and family. We decided a cpl days later to end it and just be friends. H showed up at this time when we were talking and found out I had sex with OM and that OM was saying he loved me. After this H was gone more than he was home he kept leaving. I spent lots of time with OM. In the time H was gone he decided we were moving. I didn't want to go. I wanted to keep the house and he could move if he wanted. Needless to say I ended up with no choice but to move because he made it so I couldn't stay there. I needed somewhere for the kids to stay. Middle of winter and no heat I couldn't stay there no more so I came to H's new house. H said he wanted us to try. I felt I owed him that much but behind his back I still talked to OM. It isn't working all his does is yell or he has been leaving constantly here too. He still wants me to try. Om wants me to leave and be with him. I don't know what to do. Sorry to ramble and write so much thanks for reading this and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

If he really wants to work things out with you, you will have to tell him: 1/ no leaving, he has to be at home unless there's a valid reason. 2/ NO ONLINE relationships. 3/ No more swingers parties. If he can't agree to these, then he isn't serious, he's just trying to control you.
And if that's the case, I would think pretty hard about staying with him. It's NOT FAIR to you for him to behave however he wants and do what he wants, but you get punished for doing something YOU want (i.e. seeing OM). And you should not be forced to do things you are not comfortable with (i.e. swingers parties). Good luck to you,
Dusty
listen, i know you feel you have to stay with H because it's winter, no money, and a couple of kids, but find somewhere you can stay. with a friend, your parents, a sibling, anyplace you and kids will be safe. H is working and will have to pay child support. you can work. it's doable. for your safety and sanity.
your H is emotionally and physically abusive. he emotionally brow-beat you into sex with other men (the physical abuse) so he can have other women, withdraws love and affection from your R/M, is verbally abusive to you and moves you away from your support and friends. take back your life!!! make a plan to get out of there as soon as possible. get help and/or support from anyone who you think will help get out of this mess. if the situation at home gets very much worse, leave and go to a shelter with the kids. they are listed in your local yellow pages.
take care of yourself and your children. let your stupid, self-absorbed, selfish H take care of himself. but get what's coming to you, financially, for your children. be careful of H and don't let him know of your plan. just do it.
as for OM, he's history. straighten out YOUR life first and a significant other will follow down the road. be careful!
gurl