Update on 7 Year EMA

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Update on 7 Year EMA
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 7:59pm
Hi everyone

I've been in my EMA for 7 years now.

I posted way back in March about "6 year affair and no end in sight".(I think that's what the title was)

My hubby has been working 3000 miles away since Oct of 2002, so it's been a lot easier to see my affair.

Unfortunately, hubby is heading home for good in February, and things will have to change. I am almost sick about it.

I have no idea what will happen once hubby is home, I had shared before he was bi-polar, and as he is still unmedicated, I have my doubts anything much will change with him.

Our relationship was good at the beginning, but having made the mistake of telling him about the affair I had in my previous marriage, he throws it in my face all the time. SO of course I've had to curb the friendship with the affair as well.

We share a grandson, his daughter, my son, so of course there are times when we are put into situations together, and that will never change.

We have our nights where we get together, for the first time in years he was able to come see me on a Saturday! His girlfriend doesn't live with him, but spends weekends there, and last night she was going out with her sisters and friends for a bowling party for one of her sisters, so he called (while she was there) and asked what I was up to, and said he was coming out for tea.

It was awesome!

Usually our nights together are Sunday at his place, Monday at my place, Tuesday and Thursday at his place.

He emailed me yesterday and told me no one has ever made him feel the way I do, and when he called me at work later, he asked if I had put a spell on him.

It's wonderful to be loved so much, and be told all the time how beautiful you are, and he can actually make me feel that I am beautiful when I know I need to lose more of that quitting smoking weight gain. But he doesn't see that, he only sees the woman he loves, calls me sexy, and other pet names, and I am just so in love with him it's painful.

I am worried about when the hubby comes home, if I make the mistake of calling him by the wrong name, all heck could break loose.

Funny thing, my hubby and I have a great sex life too, unfortunately, just not often.Which is common with bi-polar. If I'd known about it when we met, I'd have run the other way.

My hubby is 7 years younger than I am by the way, so it's not that he isn't attractive, he is an incredibley handsome fellow, works out, is a big boy, and can be such a romantic at times.

I just don't know what's wrong with me that I can't let go of this person who has been such a big part of my life for so many years and has been in love with me for 25 or so years. He is my best friend as well as my lover, and I can't stand how it feels to know that our times together will soon come to an end.

I did tell him he will have to come over to my work at closing time, and we can have a quickie in the back room before I head home from work, but it's not just about the sex.

It's the touching, the hugging, the holding, the talking, and the just spending time together that means so much to me.

We did manage to get to spend a day together on the weekend a few months ago. Once again his gf had gone away for the weekend for her 40th birthday, and he and I made a trip to the nearest big city, and of all things, went to the museum. She isn't into that, and I am. At any opportunity he would kiss me in a dark corner, or touch me or hold my hand.

It was such an incredible day, we went for dinner, and came home, he had to run home to feed his birds, then came back, and we got to spend the evening together as well.

He promised me last night that some day we would be spending all our nights together. I really want to believe it, but I don't know how we will ever manage it.

So until my hubby gets home, I am going to try to spend every moment I can with him, and see what happens with my marriage. If after a 16 month absence my hubby still has no interest in sex, I don't think I will be able to try to keep the relationship together much longer.

I know he will do his best to seem interested at first, but chances are, it won't be long and we will be back to months and months of no sex. I can't live like that. I can't live with an unmedicated bi-polar who refuses to get help. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to him. But then I think, if I didn't have this other person to turn to, would I have stayed in my relationship for this length of time?

Are we being fair to our significant others, knowing that we will never love them fully, a part of us will always belong to each other. Are we denying them the opportunity to find that same sort of thing in their lives? There are so many people to be hurt if things ever come out. Sometimes, we talk about just running away and going where no one knows us, but that's not realistic, as nice as it is to dream about. How can you give up your soulmate? I can't. I don't want to, and I guess I will just have to try to see him in any way that I can. We can be pretty creative at times!!

Our times together lately seem to be so bittersweet, and I usually cry, and ask how I will get along without him as much as I've been able to.

We also seem to snap at each other more, and finally realized it's our defense mechanism kicking in. If we push each other away now, it won't be so painful later on, but it just doesn't work. We can be upset and angry with each other, but never for long. Our connection is too strong, and we love each other too much.

Another month, and my hubby should be home, he's hoping to be home for Valentines.I am eager to see him, and really want my marriage to work, but it's so hard when the person who holds such a big part of your heart isn't the one you are married to.

Anyway, wish me luck,I think I'm going to need it. I am so glad this place is here, I had forgotten all about it.

Hugs to all