Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Update
8
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 2:47pm
Hi everyone!!! I was posting on Ending an Affair and some people were saying they'd missed me here, so I thought I'd post an update here as well. I'm just a mess. Just for a refresher... I have been having an emotional A with a co-worker since May of last year. We've gotten to the point where we were discussing meeting outside work a couple of times, but that freaks him out. So now... I'm just not sure. Right before the holidays he pulled back and I, quite frankly, had gotten sick of it all. I'm now at the same place he is, where I'm feeling like we can't be together without hurting everyone we love most, we don't want sex on the side, so what's the point? I've been TRYING to avoid him since we returned but it's not working. Every corner I turn, he's there. Today I'd vowed NC, but I went to meet my friend for lunch and all of a sudden he materialized. (I'm pretty sure he heard my voice and came around deliberately.) Whatever the case, the New Years' Resolution I made was not to "Feed the Monster" anymore. I'm not calling him, not dropping by to see him, nothing. If he wants to pursue a friendship, that's fine but I'm through with this all-give-no-take stuff. So far me not calling him doesn't seem to be bothering him too much but he's always been laid back about that stuff. I was hoping to just not see him for a while and see how I felt, but obviously that's not going to work! I just don't know what to do. I don't want sex on the side with him... I thought that was what I wanted but I just don't think I could live with myself. But I can't hurt my husband and everyone would disapprove if we got together. We'd destroy everything we have. So there's really no way out of this. Cooling it is my only option.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 3:13pm
hiya lilah, glad to see you post. I have been having connectivity issues all day. I am glad you are holding up to the charms of the MM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 3:48pm
hi lilah! i'm sorry you have to go through this painful withdrawal. and being in such close proximity to MM doesn't help at all. but you're strong, so hang in there. time does heal all wounds honey.

i'm very proud of you for sticking to your guns and not opening the door to MM!!

come back often and let us know how you're doing, 'cause we love you!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 4:27pm
No, I didn't give him the gift. It's here in my desk. I'm thinking about taking it back and getting a store credit. I didn't save the receipt because I was scared H would find it. I thought about saving it for his bday, but that's holding onto hope we'll still be together, which is wrong. Now, how do I explain to H that I have a store credit for Bed, Bath, and Beyond? We usually make all home purchases together. Maybe I'll buy a Yankee Candle or something...

And thank you, gurl, for your kind words. I'll be here often, I'm sure. I know as soon as I eject him from my life he'll come running back. I just have to keep him at arm's length...somehow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 3:41pm
Hi Lilah,

I've followed your story over that last several months, and I just wanted to add my support to your decision to keep MM at arms length. Stay strong, and best wishes that this year will being you much happiness.

Hugs,

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 12:12pm
I've been without a PC for a couple of days... They were moving me. Now I'm near MM. I run into him when I go to the bathroom, when I go down the hall to see someone about something, you name it. There's no getting away from him. Anyway, last time I posted here I was not speaking to MM. I was angry that every phone conversation we had was initiated by me, every time we visited, it was *I* who went to see him, etc. So right after I posted here, I was walking toward my soon-to-be-new office and he was going into the bathroom. He stopped and waited for me and asked, kindly, what was the deal? So I told him, point blank, that I wasn't going to chase after him anymore. That he needed to give a little to our friendship too. He said he hadn't visited in a while because there were new (weird) people down where I was working at that time and he felt uncomfortable. He also said he's been busy but I told him that was bull -- that there's no way he's been busy for two and a half months straight. He promised to do better. He tried to call me later that day and then again on Friday morning but I was moving. I did see him on Friday and here's the situation as it stands now...

My New Year's Resolution was not to feed this monster and I plan to stick to that but he's not making it easy. Every time I see him, every conversation I have with him, he just stares at me like he is star struck, like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I keep talking as though I don't notice and eventually he stops, but Friday he just came out and said, "You're so pretty." He also touched me on my bare back when I was standing near him. Each time he asks, "I shouldn't have done that, should I?" With the touch I just shrugged and said, "I'm not the person to answer that question." With the compliment, I said, "I'm not going to turn down a compliment." That's when he got really disturbed and said, "Don't you want me anymore?" I said, "Yes, but I've come to the realization that nothing can be done about it. EVER. So what's the point?" He said, "Ever is a long time." I changed the subject and that was that. The problem is, he specifically told me a while back that when I don't respond to his come-ons, it makes him try harder because it's a challenge. I don't WANT him to try harder. I want to stay where we are now, with him looking at me like that every time he sees me, with him telling me how beautiful I am, but NOT with us talking about what we want to do to each other. I just want to stay on the other side of that line. Is that possible? Because if I give in and go down that same path I've gone down before over and over again, in a couple of weeks he's not going to be speaking to me again and I'm going to be crying all the time. I'm trying to break the cycle. Am I on the right path??? I just don't know if I'm qualified to string a guy along, only giving him just enough of me to keep him interested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 2:03pm
lilah, hi honey. listen, everything changes, including As. you can't expect MM to just stare at you and compliment you without taking all that talk forward to some action. flirting is definitely fun, but when you've moved to the next level, it's very hard to power back to the original flirting situation and stay there. unless you are very, very strong-willed and say what you mean and mean it, you will not break the cycle. the only way to break the cycle is to move forward or end the R. there's really no "middle ground" in an A.

you don't have to chase MM or make yourself "the challenge" unless you want to progress to more sexual contact down the road. if you want to keep the A at the emotional/flirting level, you'll always be saying "no!"

good luck with that!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 2:06pm

Lilah,


I'd been thinking about you. I think I've come to the same conclusion. If he's so guilt ridden at the thought, then what's the point of persuing this relationship. I've pulled back and he's persued me a little more, but still not wanting to give, "the whole package". I don't want to play that emotional game. It's enough stress, drama, and "rollercoaster emotions" when you are involved with each other on all levels equally...this on again/off again...hot/cold sh!t is for the birds! I hear ya sista! LOL! So new year...new focus...new beginnings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 6:36pm
Well, the problem is if I just go with this, I'm going to end up where I am every time he gets scared again. I'm trying to do everything I can to avoid it. Right now we're always in group when we see each other which has turned us back into just flirting friends. He's going through a touching phase where he takes every opportunity to grab. I just ignore it. As long as I don't have the intense phone conversations and start whispering again, I feel like we can maybe stay here a while. If I start feeding into it, that's when things get crazy. I'm not making myself the challenge...I was saying that the problem is that's what he perceives it as, then he pursues more actively. How do I KEEP him from doing that? Keep resisting? The thing is, it's impossible for him to be afraid of what's going to happen next when I'm not game. I just can't buy into it. I can't take this to the next level, but I love being around him. I'm addicted. We'll just see how this goes. So far it's going great, but you're all right about one thing. The more I see him, the more I want of him, so the feelings are still there. Still, I can feel that way but that doesn't mean I have to let him know. What do you all recommend? Not talking to him at all? Because honestly I'm not doing anything but being his friend right now and that's all I know how to do. HELP! As for what I want in the future... I want us to be together 100% someday, as he does. I just don't want to have to hurt everyone we both love to do it. I guess I'm looking for a miracle but I know what's going to probably happen. He's going to get further and further into this and want to have sex on the side and I'm going to eventually get talked into it. Who knows, though?