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| Sun, 10-19-2003 - 9:58am |
Well mm never showed up for lunch...well, he didn't make any promises that he would, just that he would try, so I am disapointed but not mad. Yeah, I did go, waited about a half an hour, I had too much to do on friday to wait around for long. H is acting all nicey, nicey since our fight on Thursday night. Grrr, he keeps bringing up that he wants a divorce, then turns around, and is all lovey. Pewk. I left for a couple days, went out of state to visit with my son and his family, they want me to come live with them, but I told them no. I told my H I wasn't coming back, just to make him worry, lol.
He was relieved when I did come home. Next tuesday we go to counceling again, I am bringing up this D issue, I am starting to think H wants a D. If he wants one, he is going to get one, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. What I don't understand, if he wants one so bad, why didn't he go through with it back in June? I mean, he paid for it, the papers were drawn up, so why not finish what he started? Why go through all this counceling, and working things out, if he doesn't really want to? So I am waiting, saving some money, so I am not left high and dry once again.
He was relieved when I did come home. Next tuesday we go to counceling again, I am bringing up this D issue, I am starting to think H wants a D. If he wants one, he is going to get one, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. What I don't understand, if he wants one so bad, why didn't he go through with it back in June? I mean, he paid for it, the papers were drawn up, so why not finish what he started? Why go through all this counceling, and working things out, if he doesn't really want to? So I am waiting, saving some money, so I am not left high and dry once again.
Well just wanted ot update.

Sorry about your MM, but you already knew he was rather unreliable in that department, right? I would trust that R to go no where... but in the meantime, take care of yourself.
In the meantime, your H... I hope this doesn't sound out of line, but it sounds to me like your H uses the idea of divorce to threaten you and possibly control you. Sounds like when you show that this threat does not have the impact he hopes for, that he backs down and is affectionate again. Do confront him with this at counseling, because he needs to see that not only is his tactic ineffective, but the result WILL be D and that is not really what he's after here... JMHO and insta-o-matic pop psych analysis! lol...
You know your H better than anyone, Itty. And if he really does want a D, then this is a really cowardly way of going about it... essentially trying to make YOU instigate the action. So forget what he wants... for your purposes, it doesn't matter anyway.
What do you want? Five years from now, do you still want to be M to him? If you can push it aside for a moment, forget H, forget MM, and forget any past relationship baggage. Look at who you are today and who you want to be. How you gonna get there? THEN see if H is really a good fit for you and if your M is worth saving. Easier said than done, I know... believe me, I know... but these days, Itty, it has to be all about you. The hell with "them." "They" (H and MM) aren't doing you much good anyways, these days, are they...?
take care and keep us posted,
lily
As for my H, I am going to bring the whole D thing up in counseling, and I am not going to let it go until I get a straight answer. As for 5 years from now, I can't hazard a guess. I know I want to be more financially secure, so that I can take care of myself, by then my youngest will be grown so I will only have to worry about myself for the most part. I have learned the hard way that H and I are not compatible, we are both too strong willed, and have little in common, see what lust gets you into? lol
So if he does really want a D then he will get it, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I will figure out a way to take care of myself and my daughter. After years of having my self esteem crushed, I am learning that I do have value, if not to someone else, then to myself. My exH and my present H both did things that should have destroyed me, but in the end I am stronger, emotionally and mentally than I ever was before. I won't instigate a D though, if he wants one, I will not make it easy for him. He will get what he wants, but he'll have to make the move, not me.
thanx,
ittybrat
I remember you. My H has always threatened me like that too. it does terrible things to a marriage. I remember the 2nd day of our marriage, on our honeymoon, he told me he shouldn't have married me - becasue I was so jetlagged I wasn't "in the mood". Throughout the course of our marriage he has told me to get out numberous times and that he wanted a divorce. He has thrown his wedding ring several times and I had to crawl around on my hands and knees, crying, looking for it. Finally I did leave. Then he has been threatening to divorce me and each time he does, he then later leaves me a message that he is just angry and vulnerable. In the beginning I got all upset but now I am angry myself! He has destroyed the foundation of our marriage with his threats. I am sorry your MM is causing you extra problems. Its tough to deal with two problematic realtionships at once, isn't it? I feel for you.
Ivy
The next time you hear the threat of divorce, call their bluff. Tell them fine, if you want out of the marriage - go. Itty you are doing the right thing by putting money aside, etc. so that you are not left high and dry.
This advice is for everyone, regardless of status of your marriage!!!PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take note of this!!!!
1. Make copies of all important documents (birth certificates, marriage certificate, any and all legal documents, mortage papers, etc.
2. Keep an updated list of all debts including payment addresses, customer service numbers, account numbers, line of credit. Make copies of the front and back of all cards (just a good idea anyway, in case your purse or wallet are ever stolen or lost so you can contact the credit company)
3. Keep updated list of banking accounts with the name and address of the primary bank used. (personal and business checking, savings, IRA's, CD's, etc.)
4. Get a credit card in just your name and do not use it, keep it only in the event of an emergency - have the bill sent somewhere other than your home - preferably have statements sent to you only online. Better yet get a P.O. Box. They are not expensive, maybe $120.00 a year.
5 Most attorneys will require anywhere from $2500 - 5000 retainer, depending upon the extent of your assests. Put this amount aside starting now. If you never need it, it is just a good little nest egg.
6. Put aside at least 2 - 3 months worth of living necessities aside. If you are a stay home mom/wife put aside at least 6 months worth.
7. Make a list of possible attorneys, their office hours, their phone numbers, etc. You may need to get a hold of them very quickly - especially in the situation where a restraining order is necessary or one has been issued against you.
8. Keep a journal, especially if you are in an abusive situation. If you are in a physically abusive R, it has no bearing unless you press charges!!! In some states, just calling the police and filing a report is not enough - you have to actually press charges.
9. Make a list of any counselors you have seen include dates, addresses, phone numbers, etc.
10. Make copies of insurance policies. Life, health, auto, home, etc.
11. Take pictures of the contents of your house or even a video. Good idea for insurance purposes too. As you video state what it is, where you bought it, how much you paid for it, and when you bought it.
12. Make a list of of assests each of you brought into the marriage, where it is, what happened to it. Example, if one of you already had 10k in savings when you got married, did you just dump the 10k into a joint savings, used it as down payment on the house, paid off the other spouses' debt, etc. You may be entitled to reimbursement of the amount if you improved the marital estate or paid off the other spouses' debt.
Sorry so long, but I do think this valuable information for everyone on this board and pass it on to friends who are similar situations.
saatty
As for assets, we have none, no house, no savings. All bills are in his name, like I said, I learned the first time around, and anytime he mentioned credit card, I told him I didn't want my name on them. The only thing we have jointly is my car, which is a stickler, but I did talk to a laywer, and even though it is in both our names, I am entiltled to it, a. because he has a car of his own, b. because I have a minor child. Most of the furnishings in our home, I brought from my first marriage, and I still have invoices and receipts. All of my important papers I keep separate and within easy access to myself, birth certificates, social security cards, even a copy of H's driver's license and his social security card and copies of our tax returns. Actually a D for me would only cost $800.00, like I said I talked to a lawyer, and the only asset we have is the car, so half of that money would go to removing his name from the title and registration and the loan.
At this point, I just want to know if he is using this to hurt me, and yes, my H did the wedding ring thing too, only he threw his in the trash right in front of me. Or does he, deep down inside want a D. Either way, I want to know so I can build a life with or without him. And guess what, like I said in my previous post, if he wants a D, then I am not going to make it easy on him, he will have to be the one to file, and he can pay for it.
saatty
As for MM, I feel like his "stand by" woman. So if things don't work out with W, or with the other OW, who I suspect is still lingering around somewhere even though he claims it's over, then he thinks I am just going to be waiting meekly in the wings for him. And sheesh, , I have it so bad for him, I probably will be, like a big idiot. Maybe I do need mental help, lol.