update

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
update
7
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 9:58am
Well mm never showed up for lunch...well, he didn't make any promises that he would, just that he would try, so I am disapointed but not mad. Yeah, I did go, waited about a half an hour, I had too much to do on friday to wait around for long. H is acting all nicey, nicey since our fight on Thursday night. Grrr, he keeps bringing up that he wants a divorce, then turns around, and is all lovey. Pewk. I left for a couple days, went out of state to visit with my son and his family, they want me to come live with them, but I told them no. I told my H I wasn't coming back, just to make him worry, lol.

He was relieved when I did come home. Next tuesday we go to counceling again, I am bringing up this D issue, I am starting to think H wants a D. If he wants one, he is going to get one, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. What I don't understand, if he wants one so bad, why didn't he go through with it back in June? I mean, he paid for it, the papers were drawn up, so why not finish what he started? Why go through all this counceling, and working things out, if he doesn't really want to? So I am waiting, saving some money, so I am not left high and dry once again.

Well just wanted ot update.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 4:11pm
Oh, Itty... big hugs to you.

Sorry about your MM, but you already knew he was rather unreliable in that department, right? I would trust that R to go no where... but in the meantime, take care of yourself.

In the meantime, your H... I hope this doesn't sound out of line, but it sounds to me like your H uses the idea of divorce to threaten you and possibly control you. Sounds like when you show that this threat does not have the impact he hopes for, that he backs down and is affectionate again. Do confront him with this at counseling, because he needs to see that not only is his tactic ineffective, but the result WILL be D and that is not really what he's after here... JMHO and insta-o-matic pop psych analysis! lol...

You know your H better than anyone, Itty. And if he really does want a D, then this is a really cowardly way of going about it... essentially trying to make YOU instigate the action. So forget what he wants... for your purposes, it doesn't matter anyway.

What do you want? Five years from now, do you still want to be M to him? If you can push it aside for a moment, forget H, forget MM, and forget any past relationship baggage. Look at who you are today and who you want to be. How you gonna get there? THEN see if H is really a good fit for you and if your M is worth saving. Easier said than done, I know... believe me, I know... but these days, Itty, it has to be all about you. The hell with "them." "They" (H and MM) aren't doing you much good anyways, these days, are they...?

take care and keep us posted,

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 8:33am
You are so right Lily...MM is too, I don't know, cowardly, afraid, or whatever to leave his wife because she makes his life a living hell every time he tries to leave, but I am confidant that one day he'll say, enough is enough. But I am not going to wait for that to happen, he is more compatible to me than my H is, but things just are never going to work out. He did stop and see me yesterday and apologized for Friday, his boss was with him all day on Friday so he couldn't get away. So anyway, I am really glad I never told him how I feel, we are better off as friends and if things do work out eventually then they will, but I am past the stage where I depend on a man for my happiness. I have to be happy with myself, for myself. I have learned alot about myself in the last couple of years...and I find that I don't "need" a man to fulfill me. They are nice to have, but I know that if it came to it, I would be just fine on my own, and I have no plans to ever get married again. ick. Two marriages are more than enough for me.

As for my H, I am going to bring the whole D thing up in counseling, and I am not going to let it go until I get a straight answer. As for 5 years from now, I can't hazard a guess. I know I want to be more financially secure, so that I can take care of myself, by then my youngest will be grown so I will only have to worry about myself for the most part. I have learned the hard way that H and I are not compatible, we are both too strong willed, and have little in common, see what lust gets you into? lol

So if he does really want a D then he will get it, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I will figure out a way to take care of myself and my daughter. After years of having my self esteem crushed, I am learning that I do have value, if not to someone else, then to myself. My exH and my present H both did things that should have destroyed me, but in the end I am stronger, emotionally and mentally than I ever was before. I won't instigate a D though, if he wants one, I will not make it easy for him. He will get what he wants, but he'll have to make the move, not me.

thanx,

ittybrat

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 10:21am
Hi Itty,

I remember you. My H has always threatened me like that too. it does terrible things to a marriage. I remember the 2nd day of our marriage, on our honeymoon, he told me he shouldn't have married me - becasue I was so jetlagged I wasn't "in the mood". Throughout the course of our marriage he has told me to get out numberous times and that he wanted a divorce. He has thrown his wedding ring several times and I had to crawl around on my hands and knees, crying, looking for it. Finally I did leave. Then he has been threatening to divorce me and each time he does, he then later leaves me a message that he is just angry and vulnerable. In the beginning I got all upset but now I am angry myself! He has destroyed the foundation of our marriage with his threats. I am sorry your MM is causing you extra problems. Its tough to deal with two problematic realtionships at once, isn't it? I feel for you.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 11:05am
Wow, I feel for both of you, that is such a tough situation to be in. I have heard similar stories in my line of work. Typically threatening divorce so often is a merely a form of control, for you Ivy, it was established literally from day one. When a spouse threatens to divorce and does not follow through with it is a measuring stick to see where you are in their control, if you have a strong reaction of you are right where they want you. Itty, your H took the step pretty far, look back to the time he did file, were you exercising more control of yourself and your emotions? This is perhaps why he filed. Once you "knew" he was serious he started wooing you again and drew you back under his control. But now all he had to say is basically straighten up or I'll call my attorney and finish it up.

The next time you hear the threat of divorce, call their bluff. Tell them fine, if you want out of the marriage - go. Itty you are doing the right thing by putting money aside, etc. so that you are not left high and dry.

This advice is for everyone, regardless of status of your marriage!!!PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take note of this!!!!

1. Make copies of all important documents (birth certificates, marriage certificate, any and all legal documents, mortage papers, etc.

2. Keep an updated list of all debts including payment addresses, customer service numbers, account numbers, line of credit. Make copies of the front and back of all cards (just a good idea anyway, in case your purse or wallet are ever stolen or lost so you can contact the credit company)

3. Keep updated list of banking accounts with the name and address of the primary bank used. (personal and business checking, savings, IRA's, CD's, etc.)

4. Get a credit card in just your name and do not use it, keep it only in the event of an emergency - have the bill sent somewhere other than your home - preferably have statements sent to you only online. Better yet get a P.O. Box. They are not expensive, maybe $120.00 a year.

5 Most attorneys will require anywhere from $2500 - 5000 retainer, depending upon the extent of your assests. Put this amount aside starting now. If you never need it, it is just a good little nest egg.

6. Put aside at least 2 - 3 months worth of living necessities aside. If you are a stay home mom/wife put aside at least 6 months worth.

7. Make a list of possible attorneys, their office hours, their phone numbers, etc. You may need to get a hold of them very quickly - especially in the situation where a restraining order is necessary or one has been issued against you.

8. Keep a journal, especially if you are in an abusive situation. If you are in a physically abusive R, it has no bearing unless you press charges!!! In some states, just calling the police and filing a report is not enough - you have to actually press charges.

9. Make a list of any counselors you have seen include dates, addresses, phone numbers, etc.

10. Make copies of insurance policies. Life, health, auto, home, etc.

11. Take pictures of the contents of your house or even a video. Good idea for insurance purposes too. As you video state what it is, where you bought it, how much you paid for it, and when you bought it.

12. Make a list of of assests each of you brought into the marriage, where it is, what happened to it. Example, if one of you already had 10k in savings when you got married, did you just dump the 10k into a joint savings, used it as down payment on the house, paid off the other spouses' debt, etc. You may be entitled to reimbursement of the amount if you improved the marital estate or paid off the other spouses' debt.

Sorry so long, but I do think this valuable information for everyone on this board and pass it on to friends who are similar situations.

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 12:47am
Very good advice, however I learned the hard way the first time around, so hopefully your advice will help others who have never been through a D.

As for assets, we have none, no house, no savings. All bills are in his name, like I said, I learned the first time around, and anytime he mentioned credit card, I told him I didn't want my name on them. The only thing we have jointly is my car, which is a stickler, but I did talk to a laywer, and even though it is in both our names, I am entiltled to it, a. because he has a car of his own, b. because I have a minor child. Most of the furnishings in our home, I brought from my first marriage, and I still have invoices and receipts. All of my important papers I keep separate and within easy access to myself, birth certificates, social security cards, even a copy of H's driver's license and his social security card and copies of our tax returns. Actually a D for me would only cost $800.00, like I said I talked to a lawyer, and the only asset we have is the car, so half of that money would go to removing his name from the title and registration and the loan.

At this point, I just want to know if he is using this to hurt me, and yes, my H did the wedding ring thing too, only he threw his in the trash right in front of me. Or does he, deep down inside want a D. Either way, I want to know so I can build a life with or without him. And guess what, like I said in my previous post, if he wants a D, then I am not going to make it easy on him, he will have to be the one to file, and he can pay for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 12:55am
Good, I'm glad you are prepared. My concern for you Itty is that he has no intention at all to go through with the D and is just using it to manipulate you, something to just hang over your head. That is a rough way to live - not knowing from day to day if you going to married or not. And by all means may him pay literally and figuritively for the crap he has put you through. If he brings it up again, just tell him to **** or get off the pot, that you recognize he uses it to try to manipulate you and you are now calling his bluff. If he does not intend to go through with it, then don't bring it up again - it is just one more promise he does not intend to keep...

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 1:00am
Hi Ivy, Yeah it is tough, but since I never had an actual physical R with MM, it does make it a little easier. And boy, does your H sound like mine, only in the beginning, he was so IN LOVE with me, and now I wonder. Hmmmm. Do they like to make us cry? Does it make them feel like REAL men? Does it make them feel powerful? My H makes me cry, then tells me I am self centered, and that I should just "knock it off" and "get over it". He tells me I need mental help, ME! HA!! (He always says this after he rants and raves and smashes things.)

As for MM, I feel like his "stand by" woman. So if things don't work out with W, or with the other OW, who I suspect is still lingering around somewhere even though he claims it's over, then he thinks I am just going to be waiting meekly in the wings for him. And sheesh, , I have it so bad for him, I probably will be, like a big idiot. Maybe I do need mental help, lol.