An update

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
An update
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 3:12pm

So I broke down and called AP at lunch time today.  He told me that he's going through stuff, he's at his emotional limit and that he can't deal with any additional pressure. 

It’s been a terrible week – I’ve been anxious and missing him so much it aches. I’ve been trying really hard not to contact him and ask him what’s going on with us.


So today when I called, he said he’s going through personal stuff that he doesn’t want to share with me and is at the end of his emotional limits.  He’s going to take a month vacation and is limiting discussions with me to work related only.  (He’s kind of answering here and there, but not consistently.)


I feel like he’s breaking up with me, which, I guess he kind of is. And I’m feeling absolutely awful – terribly anxious, at the point of tears all the time and just miserable.


And H and I had a big conversation on Monday about where we’re going and he asked me again if I’m going to commit to our marriage and I just couldn’t answer – I just sat there.


I’m so hurt by AP.  He tells me he doesn’t want to be pursued, and that if I keep trying to do so he’ll just build up bigger barriers.   He told me how he will "eventually come back."


I didn’t have the courage to ask him if he’s breaking up with me.  He said he’s still my friend (I asked) and that he’ll still work with me and help me work-wise if I need it.


I’m so anxious and upset.  I really don’t want to not have AP in my life, but I don’t know what to do about it.  Even if I  left H today, AP wouldn’t be with me, he sounds like he’s really pushing hard to keep our boundaries work and not even friends.  I’m so hurt.


Also, H invited me to his next psychiatrist appointment on Dec 20.  He’s gone a couple of times now to a psychiatrist, but the dr asked me to come too to get a better sense of what’s going on because H's not being clear, and the dr doesn’t know what to work on with him.


How do I make it through this weekend?  How do I keep from hounding AP?  I feel like my emotions and needs are worth nothing and I just have to take it.


I'm so afraid that I've lost him forever - I miss the casual friendship stuff.  He just ignores those emails now.  And it hurts so very much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2010
In reply to: sunrise333
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 4:06pm

I understand your pain.  I don't remember your story.  Right now I would say that respect your AP's wishes.  He needs to take care of whatever it is that is going on with him.  He doesn't want to talk about it with you and you cannot make him.  Focus on other things that you like to do. 

It seems that you cannot even bring yourself to think about your marriage due to your thoughts of AP.  Your husband is trying to work on the mariage.  You should respect that and refocus your thoughts from AP to your marriage. 

During painful times like this I think laughter helps.  Is there tv shows, movies, friends and family members who make you laugh?  I'd also recommand speding time focusing on those then AP.  This will help you from hounding him.  Hounding a man is never a good idea. 

If your AP comes back, he comes back.  If you are planning to end your marriage then what's the point of having an AP when you can potentially find someone you is better and all yours. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2009
In reply to: sunrise333
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 4:22pm

Sunrise you really need to listen to what your AP is saying, he's at the end of his emotional limit and can't cope with any more. If you truly love him think about him and not yourself...sorry if that sounds harsh it's not meant to be, but sometimes we get so wrapped up with our own feelings and what we want we forget the other person has feelings too. I was reminded of this quote from Richard Bach. “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.” Wishing you all the best. Kat xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: sunrise333
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 7:20pm

If I recall your story, you can't decide whether to leave your DH and your AP is single, is that right?  I would think that's kind of painful to your AP for you not to make a decision and maybe right now he needs space in order to protect himself.  Just look for all the stories on this board about women who are waiting for their AP to leave their spouse & how frustrated they are that the guy won't do it or keeps saying he will but it's taking a long time--then you'll see the other perspective.  I think when you are tempted to call or email him, try to remind yourself that if you do it, you'll probably be guaranteeing the end of the affair cause you are doing something that your AP asked you not to do.

As far as your DH, I think it's good that he is going to a psychiatrist.  He must be very confused by your actions too.  Are you going to invid. therapy?  I'd really recommend it.  At some point you really have to make a decision either to leave your DH or stay & work on the marriage--it's not fair to keep him in limbo either.