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|Fri, 11-30-2012 - 3:12pm|
So I broke down and called AP at lunch time today. He told me that he's going through stuff, he's at his emotional limit and that he can't deal with any additional pressure.
It’s been a terrible week – I’ve been anxious and missing him so much it aches. I’ve been trying really hard not to contact him and ask him what’s going on with us.
So today when I called, he said he’s going through personal stuff that he doesn’t want to share with me and is at the end of his emotional limits. He’s going to take a month vacation and is limiting discussions with me to work related only. (He’s kind of answering here and there, but not consistently.)
I feel like he’s breaking up with me, which, I guess he kind of is. And I’m feeling absolutely awful – terribly anxious, at the point of tears all the time and just miserable.
And H and I had a big conversation on Monday about where we’re going and he asked me again if I’m going to commit to our marriage and I just couldn’t answer – I just sat there.
I’m so hurt by AP. He tells me he doesn’t want to be pursued, and that if I keep trying to do so he’ll just build up bigger barriers. He told me how he will "eventually come back."
I didn’t have the courage to ask him if he’s breaking up with me. He said he’s still my friend (I asked) and that he’ll still work with me and help me work-wise if I need it.
I’m so anxious and upset. I really don’t want to not have AP in my life, but I don’t know what to do about it. Even if I left H today, AP wouldn’t be with me, he sounds like he’s really pushing hard to keep our boundaries work and not even friends. I’m so hurt.
Also, H invited me to his next psychiatrist appointment on Dec 20. He’s gone a couple of times now to a psychiatrist, but the dr asked me to come too to get a better sense of what’s going on because H's not being clear, and the dr doesn’t know what to work on with him.
How do I make it through this weekend? How do I keep from hounding AP? I feel like my emotions and needs are worth nothing and I just have to take it.
I'm so afraid that I've lost him forever - I miss the casual friendship stuff. He just ignores those emails now. And it hurts so very much.