Update - Baby, wife, OW.... !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Update - Baby, wife, OW.... !!
12
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 5:22pm
Hey everybody.

Just an update on what's going on with my wife and my girlfriend and the pregnancy. I had moved out of my house at my wife's request, and stayed at my brother's place for a few days until things settled down. My kids called me and I called them every single day, and it killed me not to be there with them. My wife has consented to letting me return home and keeping our marriage intact. I realize the hell I have put her through and told her that I would end the relationship with my girlfriend (as much as I don't want to). I do not want a divorce, never have, and my girlfriend knew that from the very beginning. It is going to be hard not to have her in my life anymore as lovers, but it has to be. We will always be connected with our child, but we both know it cannot go any further than that, as difficult as it may be. So, as much as it hurts us both to end it, we have to. We've talked a lot these past few days about what we expect will happen, and I again told her that I would be there for her and our baby. She is getting excited about the pregnancy now and has told a few people. The baby is due in March. She told her parents this past weekend and they are ecstatic, being their first grandchild. Of course, they want to know more about me, the father, but said she told them all they really needed to know. I know this is still going to be difficult for her to be a single mom but I will do everything I can to make it easier on her. She deserves that. We are both hoping for a girl (I have 3 great little fellows). I have an appointment with my attorney tomorrow regarding some legal stuff and we'll go from there.

As far as what is going on in my home, my wife is still of course upset with me and keeps asking questions about the how and why of the affair in the first place. She hasn't told anyone about anything and not sure if she wants to. She insists we go to counseling, but I don't want to. I see no reason for it. When the baby gets here, people may start asking questions. I want to tell our kids about the baby in due time, but my wife is still iffy about that. I don't blame her. This is all a big change for everyone. my boys are still pretty young and wouldn't understand the grown up aspect of it all, but I think they would handle it okay. My wife is also not sure if she even wants me to have anything to do with the baby, but I told her under no circumstances would I ever turn my back on that kid. I guess the closer we get to the delivery date, things are going to get more tense around here, but hopefully not.

Anyway, that's where we are right now. I'm glad to be back home, but I am already missing my girlfriend and I know she misses me too. That we have to end our relationship in order for me to keep my marriage really sucks, but I know it was a crazy thing to think that I could actually pull this off without somebody getting hurt. She's doing okay with it all she says, and told me again how sorry she is about all this. I told her to never, ever say that again, that my life now is my own doing, and that I don't blame her for anything at all. God, I still love her. I just want to make sure she takes care of herself and tries not to worry about anything. The morning sickness comes and goes, but she's okay.

Sorry for droning. Thanks for the ear.

Nick

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 5:25pm
You're in a hard place, right now, Nick. I'm so sorry. We're here for you; feel free to lean on us during this difficult time.

{{HUGS}}

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 6:03pm
Nick, I have been following your story and I don't think you really have any idea what you have in store for everyone involved. You are all still in shock with what has happened and you haven't even begun to deal with your true emotions. I just want to suggest you start visiting marriagebuilders.com. They have some very wonderful message boards filled with people that are and have already gone through what you are dealing with now. There are some very compassionate and insightful people on those boards. They will be able to help you out so much while dealing with everything. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 6:54pm
Hey Nick,

I can't imagine what you are going through right now... but you seem to have your head in the right place. Regardless of what happens... if you stay with your wife... she must understand that you will always be connected to this woman by your child and as hard as that may be for her... she needs to accept it. But you too must also show your wife that she is the one and only woman for you... otherwise there really isn't much point to staying in your marriage.

I think that her suggestion of counselling is worth a bit more thought... while you may not think it will do a lot... it can do wonders to be able to air things with a third party to be non biased... and they are. You can also do singles counselling... it's just a way of being able to see where things went wrong and how you can put them right... of course both parties need to be willing to change.

please do keep us up to date on everything... we're always here for you.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 6:55pm
NIck,

I'm glad you told your W.

why don't you want to go to counseling? Whatever your w wants right now I think you need to give her, if she wants you to fly to the moon, you better, if you really want her to stay with you. It takes a stronge woman to stay with a man who's cheated and to deal with someone elses baby. I wish her the best.!

reality is... you may have to decide either this baby or your W... it may be too much for your W to handle.!

I hope you're being completly honest to your W. It'll make things a lot easier in the future.

Best of luck... I hope your XOW and u have a healthy baby, this has to be a lot of stress...

hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 6:58pm
Glad to see your wife is willing to work things out. I honestly know how this must be for you. Very difficult. Things will settle down and will get easier.

I really admire you. You are a real man!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 7:36am
Hey Nick,

I can respect that you want to support your GF and new baby in any/every way possible, and I can understand that you want to stay M to W, but in all this it seems to me you're being selfish, and you really don't have the room to be.

When you told W about GF and baby, you placed the burden on her to decide how to react, whether or not to go on w/your M, what to do with you and with the M. YOU put her in that unenviable position. And now you want your M to work but you don't want to do the work your W asks to help get your M to a better spot...? I don't get it. You may have thought your M was perfectly fine, and that your R w/OW was a completely separate thing fufilling a completely different part of you, but from your W's perspective, she was betrayed and she was not enough for you and she understandably wants to know WHY. She may not understand or like what she finds, but since you placed this decision in her hands, it is her right to find out.

You DO want your cake... and eat it... and maybe have another piece. You tell your W something that destroys her emotionally and she is probably still in shock from, and then you tell her that you are continuing your R w/GF and baby on YOUR terms. You are generously giving up your sexual relationship with GF, but guess what... you're fooling yourself if you think the emotional stuff is over. She is having your baby. There is tons more emotional baggage to sift through. Your W may not be so understanding right now of the role you want to play in your new baby's life, (although once the baby's here I would suspect that would change - the child is innocent), but surely you can see her motivation for even suggesting that you stay away. She is trying to protect what she thought was hers. She asks you to go to counselling, and you still refuse to offer her any bit of consolation or support by at least trying it. Because the counselling isn't for you, baby, it's for HER.

I do not judge or blast you for having the EMA or having the baby or any of that. But your handling of the situation w/your wife does not expose the better side of you. How do you expect your M to go on intact if you can't give a little on your W's side... and giving up your GF sexually is the LEAST of it, especially from W's perspective. It sounds to me like you really want to be with GF and I am unclear on why you're insistent on staying with W, because at this stage, you're giving GF every part of you but sex, and you're giving your W the meager and untrustworthy promise that you won't have sex with GF again... but nothing else. But if staying w/W is your decision, then give it all you got. Because at this time it's all about HER and her needs. Not you. Not GF. Not the baby. GF will take of herself and the baby, and you will be there to support her, but that is NOT where your focus should be. Women have babies all the time. I'm not sure that women discover cheating husbands with new babies all the time...

Nick, think long and hard about what you want to look back on 20 years from now, and give up the fantasy of happy W, happy GF, happy baby and everyone is just good friends. BTDT and it don't work. But be true to one course of action. You can't make everyone happy, least of all yourself, at this time. But you do have to select a course of action that either rebuilds your M or doesn't. Right now, you're straddling the road of "I want to stay in this lane but I don't want to completely get out of the other one... and if I pick this lane, do I really have to go back and fill in the potholes...?" If you want your M to work, yeah, you do have to fill in those potholes. At least for your W's sake. Again, you put this burden on her, and right now this is NOT ABOUT YOU.

Good luck to you. Good luck to your W and GF both, because neither of them has the best of you right now. You are in a very difficult situation, but remember that this is of your own making, and for your own self-preservation, do what's best for you and the path you choose.

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 9:13am
Great post lilys,

I have been following his story and I am shocked that everyone is so supportive of him. Nick, you sound very young and immature to me...sorry for being so blunt. You use phrases like 'this sucks', which I'm sure is a HUGE understatement for the mess that you and your family are in. I don't consider it very admirable that you keep saying you will be there for this new baby, because I think you still are putting your needs in front of your three kids that you already have...and whats the deal with having three young kids when you obviously were not ready to commit to your marriage? I can't believe that everyone is so supportive of you, when most women on here are hearing lines from their mm all the time. Sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I have 'seen the light' as far as my mm is concerned. In your post, you are still being very selfish, and acting like someone very young to me. Go to counseling and try to figure out why YOU have the problem. Your wife and your already born children deserve someone who is man enough to take proper care of THEM, before you tell everyone what a great father you can be to this new child.

I'm sorry if you think that I am judging you harshly, but I have judged myself harshly too. I'm glad that I got out of my affair without hurting the wife, his kids or before I added another innocent human being into the mix. If you think this will all be easy, you are really in denial.

X

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 10:37am
Thanks to all for your responses. I know very well this is not going to be easy for any of us, and I am not about to try to fool myself or anybody else into thinking that it is. Maybe my actions were those of a stupid young man, but I am well over the age of 21 (44 to be exact) and I am dealing with this the best way I know how. Several posters have given me insight as to what I need to do, without judging me, and I really appreciate their input. As to others, I need not defend myself here because I know what I did was wrong, and I am paying the price for cheating in the first place and have no need for further judgements. This is stressful, believe me, and I am not trying to come off as a martyr of any kind by wanting to be a father to my own child, as well as the three I already have, but if that makes me a bad person, then so be it.



Nick

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 10:47am
Nick,

I really would love to talk to you! Are you up for some one on one coversation

about all of this? I would love to hear your insight and thoughts on all of this.

If so, please email me at csb49@swbell.net.

Thanks,

csb
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 11:07am
I think you are wrong to discount counseling. You must do everything possible to make your wife feel safe in the marriage at this time--and you must find out what it is that you were searching for that was not in your marriage. Every marriage has its problems, but adding a third party to the mix isn't a viable solution. For the sake of your children and your wife's sanity (I'm not kidding about this one) please reconsider counseling. Lily

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