Update on Blog 3-28 "Affair Help." 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2014
Update on Blog 3-28 "Affair Help." 2
5
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 12:08pm

Hi all! 

so it has been 2 weeks since I got the news and it was a hard two weeks. Many nights at home with my SO, I felt like a zombie and out of place. My SO did not notice any change, and he never would, because we are NOT intune with eachother at all, hence, why i had an affair to begin with, Many of those nights in a row, I cried uncontrollaby and threw myself on the bathroom floor in a disheartened rage. Those days suddenly seemed less numerous as time went by, even tho I had to see him EVERY day M-F at work, I just stopped feeling angry and sad. I couldn;t cry even if I tried to force myself, and I finally felt acceptance. Then , the BOMBSHELL he told me yesterday at work, out of the blue and unexpectedly. He told me "I want you to know I still have feeling for you. i was thinking about u on break today and i had to remind myself "i can't call her, i can't talk to u with sweetie and petnames anymore." he also told me he was NOT truthful about the reasoning behind the breakup of the affair. His reason 100% is only because of the kids, NOT because of his wife or that his feelings changed. However, seeing that he didn't openly seem affected by it, until one day he shed tears apologizing for hurting me so much, i don't know what to think. I also notice he started complimenting me again and I see him look at me and even check me out. now... this is dangerous territory. Now that the A is over, I don't want to go down that road again with him. He made it clear it could never be with arrival of twins, but I think he has lost his mind. Perhaps the feelings he thought he could hold back and he realizes gthe more he sees me, the more he is still in love?

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 12:34pm

He is NOT in love with you.  He has NEVER been in love with you.  He will NEVER leave his wife, not because he loves HER either, but because he doesn't want to pay child support and alimony.  He wants a booty call with a woman who is not immense with pregnancy and after birth, and who doesn't smell like spit up and baby shit, and whom he can dump without financial responsibility.  You should bear in mind, that while he is making cow eyes at you, the aforementioned wife is trying to feed and care for TWO INFANTS, as well as the other children, by herself.  This is the POS you are "in love" with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2014
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 12:53pm

I think your words are extremely harsh .You do not know that he HAS never been in love with me and we hardly EVER slept together. like 8-10 times in 8 months. that is hardly a booty call. all of our dates involved dinners, sports games, the movies, park, walks. work outtings. how can you assume that he is a POS because he cheated on his wife? this is an affair blog and you are not here to place judgement on people for carrying out affairs, whatever their reasons are. He continues to cater to me daily, whether it be as simple as saving me coupons, bringing me popcorn or a movie i want to borrow, bringing me candy in the afternoon that he knows i like. he has gone and gotten me head ache medicine, and eye drops when i asked, he isn';t getting anything and hasnt for a long time, yet he continues to treat me the same, things are better than they have ever been, although i miss him as my lover, i still have him as my best friend now. not too many people can survive an affair intact and I have. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 2:34pm

Kiki, I am sorry for the harsh reply you recoeved, unfortunately there will always be people we are strong willed about affair issues. You have to stomach the good with the bad and let it roll away. 

You and your AP are in a rough place. The choice now is where you want your life to go? Do you want to remain in an affair? Do you want to stay on the ride and deal with the emotional ups and downs?  If the answer is yes, then accept what AP has to offer and keep the affair about fun and as an enhancement to your life. 

If you answered NO to any of those things, then tell AP you can only be friends and he needs to keep those emotions tucked inside. 

Only you can decide what you are comfortable with at this point in your life. You have suffered the break up and the with drawals. Do you want to protect yourself from further damage? 

In the end, the affair has no where to go. It can last for a few months or a few years, but he has obligations he is likely not going to walk away from. 

You don't need to make any immediate descions, think about it. Keep an open mind and your heart safe and decide then.Hugs to you, be strong and true to yourself. Think about what is best for you and your future. 

LIFE IS A ROLLER COASTER!!! When you hit curves hold on....when you go up hill be patient....when you go down fast....throw your hands up....scream, hold your breath.....and rush back to get in line again. Life keeps moving, so should you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2014
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 1:19pm

Thanks anyone for your input. Today he told me he still wants to "do things" with me as in go to lunch, the park etc, but he totally understands if it is akward or uncomfortable for me. He has stated that he still has STRONG feelings and that he just can't continue the affair with the arrival of the new children. I never want to lose him as a FRIEND and someone who I trust wholeheartedly and 100%. I do want to keep him in my life, but I do not wish to engage in anything beyond friendly outtings and lunches. I do know that once u start reintroducing the AP in your life, you are likely to continue the affair down the line, but I am willing to risk it and see what happens. He brings light to my life and I never felt truly happy with anyone before. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Kiki, I can imagine how hard this must be for the both of you. He's trying hard to do what's right and he's fighting the temptation of being with you but please know if you both start going on 'little outings' its only inevitable that the affair will begin again. If he truly wants out of the affair than give him that. He's weak and vulnerable right now. Yes, he's a grown man and knows what he's doing but make this easier on him and leave it be. This may cause more emotional hell for you in the end. Imagine getting involved with him again for him only to tell you he can't do it and feels awful because of the twins. Your heart is not going to take that very well. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.