Update on Blog 3-28 "Affair Help."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2014
Update on Blog 3-28 "Affair Help."
5
Mon, 04-14-2014 - 1:46pm

so an update on the situation. The twins arrived a week early and I knew trouble was looming, but I was not in store for the ultimate shock. It came via FB chat. I had noticed distance between us, but I figured he was just busy with the new arrivals. NOT the case. I asked him if things were over expecting to hear of course not, but to my shock and disbelief, he sais yes. He said he couldn't continue to do this to his family and to his wife who had a very hard birth and recovery. I am devastated, hurt, angry, bitter, and in uttter disbelief. How could a man who said "things would never end unless I ended, because he never was going to" change his feelings for me in 2 weeks? How could it be over? I feel numb, lost, sad, lonely and betrayed. I also feel like I was being used until he figured out if he wanted to REALLY be a father and husband. I don't know where to even pick up the pieces, because unfortunately, we work one on on together every day. Please help! I am broken :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Mon, 04-14-2014 - 3:37pm

I'm so sorry, I suppose everyone says there is no greater thing in life than to be a parent (I wouldn't know) and although he already had a child I suppose the new arrivals would renew this most powerful of feelings. Perhaps his wife's difficulty would make him feel more guilty that he was betraying her. I'm sure his feelings for you are real but sometimes people do what they think is right instead of what they want x

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Mon, 04-14-2014 - 5:08pm

I am sorry for the pain and confusion you are feeling right now. One thing you need to remember is that during an affair, the man is living in the moment. When he is with you, he is saying what he feels in that moment in time. When he steps away, reality takes him to a different place, responsibility calls him. It sounds like the difficult time his wife had stirred his responsibility into overdrive. Remember there is no one that got away, just one that isn't suppose to be. Be kind to yourself, keep busy and allow yourself an allotted time during the day to grieve don't allow it to overtake your life.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2014
Tue, 04-15-2014 - 10:00am

The hardest thing is we work together every day, so there is no escape. I dont want it to take over my life , but I am grieving the loss. The way he looked at me yesterday and acted was hard to take. He showed no remorse or care towards me or my feelings . it made for a very awkward day. I actually didn't go into work today because the pain was to great. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Tue, 04-15-2014 - 1:52pm

Kiki, 

Understand that he is drawing a hard stance. He has to and though he may not show it, it hurts him to. Whether it was love or not, he had a place for you in his life. No one intentionally sets out to hurt someone. He was addicted to you and will fight his own withdrawals.

 Something forced him to make a choice and he has. Now in return you need to a make a choice on how you are going to deal with it. You can't control his actions, only yours . 

Sometimes the things that teach us the most are the things we have no control of. I have had an affair, I have felt your pain, only you can deal with it and move forward. Read my post called highs and lows. He isn't the one that got away, but the one that isn't suppose to be.

Take this time and look deep inside, find and forge a path to repairing yourself. It will be hard work, but work that is worth it. Something drove you into affair land, find out what and work on that which needs to be fixed in you.

I wish you peace!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2014
Wed, 04-16-2014 - 12:35pm

thank you for all your kind words and encouragement. I know very well why I engaged in an affair. I am unhappy with my 4 year relationship that isn't going anywhere, but yet I stay. I needed an escape from my unhappiness and I thought that he was the answer. Today he shed tears and aplogized to me for hurting me, and I understood he is genuine and he is also hurting too. I tried to be better today at work, and we laughed and joked and things were ok. I know this is going to be tough, but if this teaches me anything, I have benefited and not lost