Update, had D-Day, couldn't be better
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|Mon, 12-03-2012 - 10:56am|
Oh my goodness. So much has happened. I couldn't be happier. I only posted a couple times and it was a while ago, so I'll give a brief description of the situation. AP and I were both married, but as soon as he realized he had real feelings for me he left his W. I already knew I loved him but I didn't think I'd leave H because it would be too hard. But, the more time we spent together, the more right it seemed. Things had already been bad at home with H for years, but I was gonna just put up with it. Until I realized I didn't have to. I had a real shot at happiness with AP.
D-Day happened on Thanksgiving. I went over to where AP is staying (we are moving into our own place in a few weeks) to bring him some food. H suspected where I went and went out there. Threw my phone at me and yelled. I was nervous to go back home but I did. We talked, I admitted everything and he left. He is staying with a friend until I can move out of the house. At first he really tried messing with me but I told him I felt threatened and I was thinking of heading to my parents house 5 hours away to get away. He agreed to be civil. I told him as long as he (and his huge now-out-for-my-blood family) were civil then he could see the kids as much as he wanted. I filed for divorce with really lenient custody, he can see the kids whenever.
H and AP's soon to be ex-W (their divorce is dragging out) actually got together to talk about us. She convinced H to shut off my phone, which AP directly got me a phone and put me on his plan. My next door neighbor is H's brother and his W, which his W knew AP's stb-ex-W's name, befriended her on Facebook and told her everything she knew and also spied on my house for her. AP was over here in the evening (he doesn't spend the night cause of the kids) and his stb-ex drove by honking and then texted him that she 'caught' him. Which is funny, because AP's stb-ex-W had a man staying in her house the same weekend that he left and he is now there full time. I can't wait to move away from here though because stb-ex-sil is still spying and relaying everything to stb-ex-il's and AP's stb-ex-w. I hate it.
Okay, so that's the drama with everything else. The great news is that the kids are happier. They were happy the night H left. They were happy the next day, jumping around and smiling and laughing. I thought they didn't understand so I explained and they said they understood. They had already met AP (he had been over before) and loved him. So when he came over again after H left they were happy like they've never been happy before. They are so much better behaved and there is no yelling and screaming in the house anymore. They are better behaved and noticeably happier. I talk real nice about H to them, they are iffy at times when I bring him up, but I explain to them that their dad loves them very much and they will always spend time with him. Only one of the kids is adament that he doesn't want to see his dad. I think he took the yelling, screaming, insults more internally than the others... because at one time before the split he was really excited about something and I told him 'Go show your dad!' he had stopped, looked sad, and shook his head. That was one of the deciding moments for me too, seeing that look on his sweet little face... another one was when I heard H yelling at them that they were 'F'ing idiots' and then screaming at them more because they were crying and then more screaming because they got an attitude with him when he was ordering them to fix whatever it was they had done to warrant being called idiots. I had crawled under the blanket and shook I was so pissed. Then I had gotten up and calmed down the situation and calmed the kids down, all while deciding that this had to end soon. I was constantly drained and didn't have the energy to always be in the middle protecting the kids.
Between me and AP. Things couldn't be more perfect. I love him, I really love him. I knew him for years and always liked him. I already knew what a great man he was. He is kind to animals and kids. He is a wonderful father to his three kids, the youngest is 18. He helps people, he is easy going, and he is expressive. He will always tell me what he's thinking, even if it shocks me, and even if people might normally keep some thoughts to themselves. He is very affectionate and caring. He does everything he can to take care of me in any way he can think of or any way that I need. He's fixed my van twice, both major repairs, and saved me probably a thousand or more. He used to be a mechanic. I wish I could describe the feeling I get when he looks at me. He's always telling me how he loves my smile. When I smile his eyes light up and I smile bigger. I've never seen anyones eyes shine like that. Every time I look at him I can't get over how sexy he is, he is such a big strong manly guy with the softest heart I've ever seen.
A few minor issues we have stem from our past relationships. I try to help him and he'll shoot me down. His stb-ex-W used to be super controlling so I think my offering to help seems like I might be trying to control the situation. He is getting better with that, cause now he'll accept my help (simple things), but he explained that when he was M to her she never helped because she wanted to, it was only to get him to do what she wanted him to do. And most of the time she wouldn't help him do anything anyway. Which is what I saw when I was around them, she pretty much treated people around her like they were her slaves. Barking orders and generally in a bad mood. At first he didn't even want me to ever cook for him (if anyone cooked it was him or they ate out). That bothered me. Now I cook for him and he's happy that I can cook. When I do stuff for him sometimes he says how it feels weird because he was so used to doing everything for himself. He's getting more used to it now though. I now ask first though and let him know I want to do something for him, that way he doesn't just react to me jumping up to do it. He can think first, let me know if it's okay, and then I do it.
A big issue he has with me is that he'll see me upset but I won't say anything. Then he'll ask and I'll try to play it off like I'm not upset. He's too observant to believe that. Then I'll tell him and we'll talk about it. Then he'll get mad that I didn't trust him to tell him how I was feeling. This is a huge switch for me. For years if I got upset then H would get mad (real mad) so I could either tell him what was wrong (and be told I had no reason to be upset or that what I said just plain didn't happen or that I must be crazy for getting mad) or I could halfway pretend to be okay and as long as I wasn't directly aiming anger at him he was fine with that. I'm getting better, but it's still hard. For so long if I said anything about being upset it was thrown back in my face and I still feel the fear of that. But AP never does that. He is extremely understanding even when I think he has every right to think I'm a neurotic mess. He's just SO understanding. Even when *I* think I'm crazy he'll kiss me on the forehead and tell me that he understands. Things were such a mess right before my split and after. Everything has settled down and is already so much better now. We are pretty much in the open, I've met his entire family and like them all. Very soon he will be meeting my parents and brothers and sister.
We are moving into a place in a few weeks. Once each of our divorces are final we are getting married. Sometimes when we're cuddling he'll whisper my first name with his last name and smile and hold me tight. I can't wait.