Update to last post - still confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Update to last post - still confused
3
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 11:07am
Hi everyone,

Thanks SO MUCH for everyone's input and advice. I now realize that even though my online chats are just that, it still constitutes an A. (Still learning all the abbrviations on this board too!). Since my last post, I have had a LONG chat wih MM. He has told me his wife is leaving him after the first of the year. She wanted to stay with him through the holidays, and will be leaving sometime soon. He is now gently pressuring me to make more of an effort towards our realtionship - I'm not ready. As a matter of fact, I'm chickening out of everything. I guess even though I have feelings for this person, the fact that this *could* somehow actually become something scares and worries me. DH knows I spend a lot of time on the computer, but he also knows that I chat with tons of my girlfriends who live in other states. DH has no idea about the online guy. I've decided I'm going to tell MM that I do not wish to persue our relationship beyond a friendship. If he doesn't handle that well, I guess I can always change my AIM screen name and be done with it. I guess that's the positive thing about an *online* affair! ;-) I would NEVER have the nerve to have an actual "in-person" affair. I'm too scared about getting caught, and my guilt would get the best of me. I guess the Internet has provided some "safety."

Now I'm trying to figure out how to improve my realtionship with my husband. I have tried SO HARD to communicate with him. We have talked extensively about our problems, and our future, but nothing ever comes of it. I have tried to communicate with him by talking, and writting him letters and sticking them in places he would find it. He breaks down in tears, and we talk about it for all of 15-30 minutes, then the subject is dropped for weeks or months until something else happens and I feel the need to confront the situation again. That's another thing.... I'M ALWAYS the one to start talking about the problems, and trying to fix things. I know my husband would be absolutely crushed if I ever decided to leave him, and deep down, I don't want to leave him. I just want a marriage that has some fire to it. He has NO family in our area, but I do - he moved here for me. He's really SUCH a great guy, but growing up, no one never talked in his family, and he doesn't talk now. I know that deep in his heart, he wants things to work out, but he doesn't understand or know what needs to be done on his part to make things work. He's just a very laid back guy who thinks things will fix themselves. He is not one for reading books - I've thought about getting him a book on relationships, and I know he would NEVER read it. Not out of laziness, just because he's not a reader. He was is the same way with work situations and other situations - it's not just with us. As I said in my last post, I've suggested several times to go to counseling, but I'm not working at the moment, and my husband's insurance coverage stinks and doesn't cover it. We can't afford to spend $150/wk for a counselor at this point. I want this to work for my sake and the sake of our son, but I don't know what else I can do.

Well, I better be going. "Online guy" just signed on, and I'm going to lay it on the line. Wish me luck, and PLEASE post back with any suggestions or advice. Thanks.

~KKJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 11:29am
I think that it's absolutely fantastic that you have decided to try and save your marriage. I know it seems very difficult that you are the one really pushing for it, but you know what? At least one of you is!!!! A marriage is a very sacred thing, and my parents went through a very bitter divorce, and I WISH one of them had cared enough to take some action! Maybe your husband isn't as laid back as he seems, if he breaks down in tears, etc. I'm sure this is deeply affecting him, and definitely his self esteem. I'm only 20, but I find that guys have a very difficult time dealing with any emotional downturns, and they manifest their responses in the wrong way. (in your case, he's too quiet and laid back about them). You must obviously love your husband, and all I can say is you have to keep trying. Tell him you want to be with him, you want to make it work, but you need his help too. It's not an abnormal thing to feel like this in a relationship. He should know that too. As for counselling, I don't know, cause it is very expensive. Maybe this is a dumb suggestion, but why don't you two get it out on paper? like maybe write honestly and openly about what your feeling towards him. tell him it might not be the best feeling right now, but you're there and you WANT to make it right. GOOD LUCK! and i really and truly hope everything works out!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 11:42am
Hi Chicagoblue -

Well, I was happy to read your post and see that you are going to call it quits with the online guy. I know you will be much happier not living a lie anymore. Be strong. This will not be an easy time. Repairing your relationship as well as forgetting about the man that you have come to have feelings for online. I know you may think that your husband will not read a book about relationships and counseling is not affordable right now. But there are options...things you can do together to make your relationship better. Talk to him...tell him that you feel like you are the only one willing to WORK on the marriage. That marriage takes work and it's not always easy, but the end result will be well worth it. Tell him that if he loves you, and he wants this to work that he NEEDS to take a proactive approach to it. I think you have taken a big step in the right direction to end your online affair. It can only make things worse. I would suggest maybe trying to get your hubby involved in the "repair" process by going to the bookstore together. Or getting a book that involves keeping a journal together to journal your feelings. My husband and I decided that each night (as much as possible) that we are going to try to set aside 20-30 minutes to journal/talk and to just take time for him and I. No TV,phone,internet...no distractions. I would highly recommend getting that book I told you about. It seriously has given us a whole new perspective on what makes each other tick...and how full/empty each other's "love tank" is. Also, I don't know if you are a religious person, or what your spiritual life is like...but you may want to try and talk to a priest. It's free...and it's someone outside of the situation who can listen to you.

Keep us posted on your situation. Good Luck!

-Alison

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 11:48am
i'm from chicago land too!!!!!! i'm not sure how to contact people off the board, and i am not sure leaving my email here is the best idea, but maybe somehow we could talk sometime!

jen