Update - last throes of the A

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Update - last throes of the A
8
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 8:53am
Hello everyone,
I had an enjoyable 10 days in the Rockies...mountains sure have a way of rejuventing the soul and clearing the mind. This was a vacation away from both AP and DH, as I went with my 3 DD and my parents.
Soul searching...did alot of it. Thought things through: what were the qualities of AP that I felt were somehow better than H? How long am I willing to seek out risky behavior with AP? I realized, through my thinking and clearing of the head, that this A for me is truly an escape mehanism. I am having alot of difficulties with H and my financial future - we are in the midst of the worst financial situation that we have ever been in. We have never had alot of money, and always were able to make do, but now it is worse than in our entire 17 years of marriage. He knows it is bad, but I always feel like I am the one who takes it more seriously. 4 kids to feed, and no money to spend on groceries unless we throw it on the credit card. Which is a lie - credit cards are a pathetic cover-up and just get us deeper in a hole. So...I am addicted to my A. My AP is my drug. I long to be his friend for always, like how we started, but I fear that lately we have allowed the IC to take over and now that is what it is becoming. All about sex. And though it is amazing, it is, I fear, becoming the death of our R. I missed AP when I was on vacation, but refused to contact him first. He sent me a text 3 days after I left, just to ask me if I had climbed the mountain I had said I was going to climb. I answered him, and then I heard nothing back until 4 days later, when he sent me a text asking if he could call me (had a "specific" question, but that was just an excuse...he wanted to talk to me), so I told him when he could call and he did. We talked for about 20 minutes and it was good to hear his voice. AP and I don't talk on the phone nearly as much as we used to earlier in our A, so it is nice to have a phone conversation every now and then. He sent another text a few days later, wondering if I was back yet. I saw him the day after I got back. This, of course, was after DH got to spend the evening with me...DH missed me very badly. Helped me to see that spark and the passion that still exists in our M, despite the dire financial situation and all the stress that goes along with that. So, the time with AP was short but sweet, and it was also eye-opening for me. He told me that it was "really good to see me" when he first saw me, and then at his apt, when we started to get intimate, I told him I missed him. He replied with "I missed this", (referring to the sex) and though deep down, I think he is experiencing feelings for me that he does not want to admit, on the surface it is all about the sex. And this is where the A begins its death throes. I am not
sure yet how I am going to be ending it and will need all of your support through it, but I know that I must. For my sake and for what is the best thing for ME.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 9:47am

Hi Heartofsix,


I'm glad you enjoyed your vacation to the Rockies and that you were able to clear your mind & do some soul searching. The fact that you came to those realizations means alot and I hope you have the strength to follow with whats in your heart. We are more or less in the same situation. We are in affairs that we want to get out of and are looking for a way to do so. Most people would say "AP isn't holding a gun to your head you can just leave" but its so much more & deeper then that. We are caught up, addicted to them like a drug that its so much easier said then done. I would have never thought I'd be in this situation. I would have been one of them saying the very same thing but here I stand conflicted just like you. I have learned not to be so judgemental because anyone can be put in a situation that they thought would never happen.


I have deep feelings for AP but like you I feel its mostly physical. He on the other hand says its more then that but I'm not sure. I would love for us to try and come up with away to go about this. I tried emailing you but got a message that you opted out of receiving emails. You can always email me at if you want to chat.


I feel you heart and this saturday I broke down crying praying like a small child to be found again because I'm so lost....


All the best in all you decide.


 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


<

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:24am
I'm glad you are coming to these realizations of your own Hearts. Our own realizations are what causes us to change our behavior and our lives. What we choose is not always easy for sure, but we ourselves know what is best for us and our lives. We will be here to help you any way you need. Lots of (((hugs))). I wish you the strength to move on with your life in the direction you know you want to go!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:29am
Rayne, one thing I've noticed about the times that you have tried to end your A is that you have disappeared from your AP without telling him anything. Then, when you know that the disappearance is the worst thing you could do to him, you go back because it hurts you to cause him pain. Although it would cause him pain to be upfront and TELL him that you're ending it, it seems that it would help you BOTH to have that closure. If you really want to leave him, then TELL him and let him deal with the ending, and not have you just disappear out of contact. Let him say whatever things he feels he must say as an ending, and say what you need to say to him - and then truly end it! I think having a clear "end" is what you need to be able to walk away.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 11:29am
Thanks so much for your encouragement, Lexi. I have said it before, and will say it again - I am very glad I found this message board. There is alot of my time and my heart invested in this A, and though it will be very
difficult to walk away from it, I desperately want to do the thing that is best for me. I have to take care of me, first and foremost. I will need the "cyber" hugs from anyone who
can give them to me, because I know there will be a grieving process. I will have to hold my head high and focus on my DH and getting through the stresses of our M together...there will be joys as well. I won't live in regret, for no matter how wrong my A has been, it has taught me so many things about myself. And the times during the A that brought me happiness will be treasures in my heart forever.
As far as how to end it, I agree with you, Lexi - I am going to have a talk with him about it. We have had this talk several times in the past, "ended" it, only to start up again soon after. We work together. That is the real bummer. And I know Rayne works with her AP, too. I did think about the "disappearing" option, but I know that wouldn't work for us. I have already seen what NC does with him...he eventually texts and wants to call me. :/
well, one day at a time, right?
How do I go about emailing Rayne? And apparently, I have some little thing on my account that won't allow me to receive emails - can I fix that somehow?
Thanks so much again for everything. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 11:43am

You can email me at feel free to when ever you have time.


 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


<

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 12:49pm
Hearts - do you see that little brown bar that says "welcome, heartsofsix" on the left and has a lot of options on the right (your profile, favorite boards, board settings, etc.) Click on "board settings". A little pop up box will come up (make sure pop ups are not blocked) that will say edit board settings. The last option down is "Member to Member Email" - "Do you want to allow other members to send you email? (Note: Email will be sent to the address associated with your member name. Other members will not see your email address when they write to you.)" Make sure the little box there is checked "yes", and then anyone who would like to e-mail you will be able to do so. When you receive their e-mail, you will not see their e-mail address, and they won't know yours. If you answer it through your e-mail, they WILL be able to see yours, so if you choose, you can e-mail them through here, by clicking on "e-mail this person" after you click on their name. If you do answer them with your e-mail and they answer with theirs, you will both have each other's e-mail. It's tricky - best to use an anonymous e-mail not associated with your real life here on MAS.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 3:42pm

((HUGS)) Heart... I'm so glad that you had that time away to clear your head and REALLY think about what you want...SO IMPORTANT. Sounds like you did a lot of mental work, and I know it was DIFFICULT to say the least. I've been through an ending (we got back together months later) and know what you have ahead of you. You're in a GREAT place in that you want to end it. I think that makes it MUCH easier.


We'll all be right here to get you through. Check out EAS as well...I had a hard time with that "program" but there are some remarkable people over there...if nothing else, just go over and read...take what will help you through and leave the rest. Best wishes to you...you can do this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:47pm

Im so pleased for you Hearts. You sound in a much better place than before your trip. Stay focussed on you and where you want to be in life.


I agree with you too- MAS is a life saver!!!


Iggyxxxx

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do