Update from Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Update from Liberal
8
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 8:58am
I wanted to thank everyone sincerly for the support you all gave to me yesterday. I also wanted to give you an update on my situation. Here'goes...I met him last night and we exchanged some small talk for a bit then he started venturing his way up my skirt and I stopped him. He was squatted down in front of me and when I stopped him he playfully started whining...then I told him "the only reason you should be in that position is to beg for me to not kick your ass to the curb"...his shoulders dropped, he shook his head side to side and stood up slowly and he said "that was the wrong choice of words to use with me." I could tell I hurt him badly but it was good because it brought some emotion out of him finally. He was VERY mad and hurt but he finally opened up and explained to me why he doesnt call when he's supposed to and why he doesnt have more time to spend with me. We talked about his schedule and his responsibilities which are extremely plentiful. He truly is a man spread thin but since he was able to open up to me last night FINALLY, I have a much better understanding of who he is and why he's chosen to add me to his mix. He described our relationship as "a beautiful little, perfect little fantasy" he said "then there's reality." He said he only does 2 things for HIM and everything else he does it for other people or because he has to. Fortunately our relationship is one of the 2 things he chooses to do for himself. Although his communication is poor I learned last night that I am on his mind a great deal of the time and I also know just how disappointed he is when our plans get changed also. It didnt sound to me like he has a much better time when he can't call me that I have. On top of just not being able to see me he has alot of time to think about how upset he knows Im gonna be on top of his own disappointment.

With all of this said...I think I have figured out a way to find some balance for both of us. Instead of me pursuing our meetings and then ending up disappointed I think if I let him do the pursuing that my level of expectation doesnt get falsely raised. This way I'm not constantly bugging him to meet me which will reduce his stress and I'm certain that he'll want to see me as often as he can, probably moreso with less pressure. Sometimes I know my persistence almost pushes him into trying to see me even when he knows it's not likely to work out. By doing this I will get fulfillment by him initiating our meetings and that way I just go on with my regular routine and dont have to face the constant disappointments. Im going to give this a try for now. It will be better for me emotionally and mentally if I relieve myself of so much of this pressure and disappointment . Thoughts? Suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 9:13am
good morning. i agree totally with your new plan. if you can do it, definitely lay back and let him pursue you. men tend to like that anyway. if you make it too easy or press too hard, they back away every time. and communication is hard isn't it. but it usually leads to more information for the situation, just as you found out last night. don't be afraid to talk to your MM to find out what you need to know. and share your thoughts with him so he knows what you need and want.

enjoy the peace,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 9:19am
This will likely be one of the hardest things I have ever done is to let him do the pursuing because Im just used to doing it and I would see him everyday if I could...even if it were just long enough to hug him...we'll see how it goes but when he calls today Im going to tell him my plan so he knows what's going on and what I'm hoping to accomplish for both of us by doing this...wish me luck!

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 9:22am
I think that is the perfect plan. It will draw you both closer. And I also think it's great that you had the talk. Communication is so huge in keeping both of you happy in your A. A's are so much harder to maintain then M's, and I think the only way to keep you both happy and your A in good standing is by communicating openly and honestly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 9:30am
hey liberal -- i do wish you luck!! truly. only tell him that you will wait for him to call you and set up "dates". let him know that you are available but he needs to check with you on whatever basis you need (once daily, mondays and wednesdays, whatever) so there will be no added pressure on him. but don't let him totally dictate the timeframe for meetings, phone calls. don't leave the invitation open-ended. you have to put some limits on how long you're willing to wait for his call. be gentle!

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 9:50am
I agree I need to put some constraints on him but Im really not thinking that I'll need to. He calls quite often, usually daily - some weeks are harder than others for him because of his work schedule. He said last night that he'll get text messaging back on his phone soon to help us communicate easier. Also, I have entered his cell number under another friends name so if DH grabs my cell phone when he calls he doesnt see an unfamilar number with no name raising curiousity. SMART GIRL HUH! We have it planned that when he's available to see me he can call and just hang up and I'll sneak out to see him, IF I CAN, and if not I'll text him saying so or just wont call back...

The deal is that we are SOOOOO very careful to not raise any suspisions that sometimes we dont take enough risks but Id rather be safe than sorry...

Im gonna tell him Id really like to see him once every week or two if he can really try to work that out and that I'll let him know when Im most available as soon as I find out about openings in my schedule when DH is occupied with other things. We'll give it a try and see how it works!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 9:58am
honey, you are totally on the right track! don't let H get suspicous and you'll be golden. meet MM when you can and relax and enjoy. that what the EMA is for, isn't it!

have fun,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 10:04am
Yes, last night was our first real argument and we've been together since March 2002. It took everything I had not to cry in front of him (why this is so important to me, I dont know) but when it was all over and done with we were able to slip back into our fantasy world for a bit before we had to head home...I was telling a friend of mine this morning - that Cher song "...It's in his kiss..." is so true - over the past year the way he kisses me has transformed so much and even moreso over the past few months...he loves me!

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 11:02am
i'm so completely right where you are liberal! my MM just told me this week that he loved me and we've been together for 3+ years. in fact, he's said it twice this week. he was almost embarassed to say it, but looked right at me and said it. i've told him he has absolutely nothing to worry about with me, because i love him and would be with him if life was less complicated for both of us. i will not hurt my BF or his W to be with him in the future. we've been very careful so no one gets suspicious because we are social on the weekends together, the four of us.

i'm so grateful for whatever time we get together because we're both really busy people. and we communicate all the time, by phone, every day. if we can't actually talk, we leave messages even on the weekends. we haven't acutally argued, more like him being upset about miscommunications. i make it okay by talking him down from the anger ledge.

we started as fwbs, but of course, progressed to much, much more over time. MM is my friend, as well as lover. i've been totally honest with him about what i need and want, and i take his feelings into account, but do not change any plans for him. he's a little jealous when i go out with my girlfriends (which isn't that often, maybe once a month) because he doesn't know where i am or what i'm doing, but i make sure to let him know i'm thinking of him and having a good time, at the same time. i try to cut through the crap so neither one of us feels the other is being less than honest. sometimes i have to pull MM's thoughts out of him, but patience and persistence usually work to clear the air.

see ya,

gurl