Update for my Friends!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Update for my Friends!!!
8
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 10:26pm
Hello all,

Who ever said that life was easy! I'm beginning to wish that I was 10 again (of course, knowing all that I do now).

Anyway, this is a positive post. It may not be the kind of thing that most of you are wanting to read at this point, but this is my life, I belong here - believe me, I've tried posting on other boards, and because I'm in limbo and I am the betraying spouse, nobody else wants to hear from me.

So, here goes:

I am doing my best. I am still on anti-depressants, which, by the way, makes me feel weak - however, they are helping. The only complaint I have about them, is the fact that I am having an even harder time achieving orgasm. And, that sucks big time!!!

I will not lie, by saying that xMM is not on my mind constantly and that I miss him dearly, but my H has been a dream!

We were going through some very rough times (understandably), where he couldn't resist bringing up my A at ever opportunity. Finally, we went away together a couple of weekends ago. It was an exceptionally romantic setting, the jacuzzi tub and gas fireplace were just icing on the cake!

Okay, this is where it may get a little wordy. I'm sorry.

However, you know, I've been reading alot, I've been to counselling. We cannot expect our partners to read our minds. We cannot expect that just because we are changing, that our partners are changing at the same rate. So, I decided that before my H and I went away, that I would lay it on the line. I told him, "You have to plan one thing. I don't care what it is. I don't want to know what it is. If you need supplies, go out and buy them. I want you to surprise me. I have planned this entire weekend, and I don't think it's too much for me to ask that you plan one thing."

Now, I realize that as the betraying spouse, that I have to accept responsiblity for my actions, and I do. But (I hate using that), some of the responsibility does come from the betrayed spouse - whether they believe it or not. Circumstances may not always work in a couples favour - marriage takes work. And, when it is always one spouse that gives (unconsciously or not) and the other that takes - undesirable situations may arise.

This is getting long winded. Not what I intended, but I guess I need to vent.

Our weekend away turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. Not only did we seem to reconnect on an emotional and sexual level, we were able to have an undisturbed, intense, and totally open conversation. We know where we stand with each other. That is a good thing.

My H did pull through with the surprise. He arranged a romantic picnic. Unfortunately, the weather was not cooperative, but the gas fireplace was!!! In my opinion, the fireside picnic was much better.

This past weekend was also quite wonderful. Our children were both away at friends, so we ended up having an unusual amount of alone time together. It was so refreshing that we did not feel the need to discuss my A, but to only enjoy each other's company. And we did enjoy. My H even took me for a walk to the local store, bought me an ice-cream sundae, and shared on the porch step (as we watched the rain falling down).

If you knew my H, and our life, you would realize how much this meant to me. Once the rain calmed down, and the sundae was devoured, we walked back home, hand in hand - and we made love like it was the first time!

Okay, so that's pretty much it for me. I am enjoying getting to know my H again, especially since a schedule change with his job. We are getting along, almost unnaturally like newlyweds.

So, I have to say, that I am continually waiting for the bomb to drop. Not to put a negative spin on this, but really, how long can this last? I wish I could say forever, but that is a pipe dream I'm afraid.

Eventually, the pain and the hurt will come back. We are on the upside at the moment. I am enjoying it immensely, and at the same time, my heart is still broken. I cannot seem to get away from that. I wish I could.

I do not want to cause my H anymore pain. I have done enough damage. However, my heart and thought do lie with someone else. And I have to say, I believe it's the same on xMM's part.

How do we get past this? I know that you don't know. It's just one of those questions, that will never get answered. The responsibilty string is stronger than the heart string.

Don't get me wrong. I do love my H. I love the changes that he is willing to make in order to make our M work. I love feeling that I'm not in this live alone. I am making my own changes as well. I have made a determined effort in treating my H as my lover. I kiss him like it's the last time I ever will. I am showing him the passion I have rather than smothering it, just because I think that's what a partner of 20 years would expect.

He is getting my all.

The only thing I need to do now, is, accept that this is our relationship, my H loves me more than life itself, and to accept that xMM amd I will have a part of what we want from life, we are where we belong, and we can feel blessed that we had each other (and always will, if required!)

Take care

Red



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 10:53pm

Hey red...


honey... you a one hell of a woman! and that's a compliment :)


I can in many ways relate to where you are at... been there, done that! DH and I made big changes along the way... yes! I too was the betraying spouse... and although I will never lay the blame fully on DH... he too has his part to play in all this... and I think his acceptance of that was all part and parcel of us moving forward.


However... I was not as strong as you... I chose the different road... while I knew that DH would give it all to save our marriage and to keep me... I also knew that you just can not teach an old dog new tricks... and knowing that...

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 1:33am
I love reading your updates they are so wonderful because I sometimes wonder

if I could be as strong as you ---

If I were to end my EMA I could only dream the outcome would be as positive as

yours seems to be -

I wish you so much happiness and love reading your updates

You are inspiring !!

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:39am
Red:

Thanks for the update - I've been wondering about you! It sounds like you are doing really well. I know it hasn't been easy. And I understand completely your fears that your progress won't last and that you'll slip back into old patterns. I think that is a valid concern. But the fact that you are aware of it and looking out for it is a good thing. If you and H can identify problems before they become severe, perhaps you can stop them in time.

As for me, I guess I've hit the NC "two week wall." I've been in tears more or less constantly the last couple of days because I miss XMM so darn much. I want to try to reconnect with H, but it is hard since I don't see him much. We work opposite shifts during the week and then he'll be gone most of the next three weekends. I know your H travels a lot so I really, really admire all you've been able to do to work on your M. I also admire how much your H has been willing to work on things with you. Of course, I can completely relate to the fact that XMM remains in your thoughts. For me that's the hardest part - learning to live with the fact that I'll always love XMM.

Anyway, thanks again for the update. I'm so glad you've continued to post here. And I know what you mean - I've checked out the other boards but this is the only place I really feel comfortable. The people here really are the best!

(((hugs)))

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 9:06am
Hi Red,

First, I was really glad to read about your weekend. I think that's terrific that you and your H are making some progress.

You know, I wouldn't be so doubtful about the future. People *do* change, it happens. I probably shouldn't be the one broadcasting this because of my situation, but I think it's possible that your H will/did change. People get deathbed religion all the time. The situation, though certainly less dire, happens in relationships too I believe.

I know, with me being the doubting half of my marriage I shouldn't be speaking up. My W says she's changed and that me coming home now would be a different R. BUT... I have a different situation than you do. My OW is here, dedicated, and really wants us to work. Now that I'm out of the house, she's made it very plain to me that she would be willing to square off and fight loudly with all comers to keep me. If she wasn't... well, as other people have observed, I might go back, once more into the eye of the storm. I'd doubt, but I suppose I'd try if I wasn't already pretty happy somewhere else.

Keep the faith, Red. You might just be surprised. I'm not telling you anything you don't know, I'm just trying to reassure you that there are some other people here who believe that maybe your H can change if it's that important to him -- which it sounds like it is.

Good luck. Thanks for the update.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 11:56am
Hey girl: So glad to see you are moving forward and still giving it your all. That's all you can do and as always, you seem to be giving 110%. Again I have to give your H credit for also trying to work on your M. My DH would never get past the initial 'rage reaction' if the truth were out in the open about my A. It's that kind of thinking that has kept me from being open and honest with him through the years, just trying to avoid another blow up. So kudo's to both of you for communicating and trying.

I know you struggle with your feelings for your xMM. I'd be willing to bet that he's feeling the same way if not worse inside. And I doubt he has put forth the work and effort you have to not only get beyond the A, but above all understand what drove him there in the first place.

In my own observation, you have conflicting feelings to contend with: your H and family and doing 'the right thing' -vs- your deep feelings for your xMM. Don't forget that the heart and mind work under two different modes. Right now, you have put your mind in control of the situation to keep you out of trouble. Logic steps up to the forefront and kicks you in the fanny every time you entertain thoughts outside the 'good girl box' so to speak. You are trying your hardest mentally to be the best wife and mother you can be, and that's not a bad thing. The problem is that once upon a time you were able to do this with ease from an emotional level, and now your mind is takien over the reins in this area. So in other words, you are mentally thinking through every loving gesture and thought that previously came from your heart without a second thought.

I hope I'm making sense, and moreover, that I am helping you. I really do think that in time, your feelings for xMM will begin to fade and you can put the heartache behind you. If you've ever been in love before (pre-H), then you will know that time has a way of allowing you to heal.

You continue to amaze me, you are an inspiration. Take care,

Virgogirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:31pm
Red, its so good to hear a positive update from you.

~Flirty~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:48pm
Red - I don't post much, but I do always follow your posts. I've really felt for you and your struggles and have drawn strength from many of your messages - thank you.

I too am attempting to give up my MM - my H doesn't know about the A and I don't intend for him to ever know, so I don't have that to contend with. But my H is also trying very hard. I'm off this afternoon to join my H in Florida where he's been attending a conference since last Saturday. I'm hoping for a weekend as wonderful as yours and hoping too that maybe I can push MM from my mind. He won't leave my heart, but maybe I can at least not think about him so much!

Anyway - thank you and best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 7:23pm
Hi Red:

I’m new so I know I don’t count as one of your “friends” on this board…by the time I joined you were already in the process of rebuilding with H, so, I don’t even know your story. But you’re so likable…and I know you’re a dear friend to many here…so please do stay.

I’ve been following this rebuilding process of yours with interest, because early in my marriage, I went through it with H. He had a couple of affairs that I made the decision to forgive. I really did manage it; I did truly forgive him. But it was not always pretty. I was very much guilty of bringing up his transgression at every opportunity. It must have been very tiring for him to hear it. But it was the only way I could say “oww, in the middle of what looks like peace on the surface, deep down it still hurts”. I just had to say it and have him hear it. But I’m sure it hurt to hear it.

Looking back now from a ten-year vantage point I really do feel some sympathy for H’s position. The “wrongdoer” has to go through plenty of pain of his/her own, including the pain of losing the OM/OW, but, unlike the wrongdo-ee, the person who had the affair gets no sympathy or compassion from anyone. His or her efforts to repair the relationship are essentially met with “well, it’s the least you could do after what you did.” That must hurt so badly. Especially without MM to comfort you. So I wish you as much peace as possible, Red, and I commend you for all you’re doing. I hope you are rewarded with a wonderful marriage. I was. I stuck by H when everybody said “leave!” and it was the smartest thing I ever did.

That being said, of course, I’m in an A of my own now. And H bears a little bit of responsibility for that because forgiving him taught me a lot about infidelity. That it’s not a mortal sin. That it’s about needs. That it’s not about what’s “wrong” with your marriage or your H, but rather, what you need outside of them. I feel very, very protective of my marriage, but I don’t feel a heck of a lot of guilt. I am very motivated to keep my H from finding out, because, in time, I know there will BE nothing to find out. MM and I have an agreement that when the sexual heat of the A burns itself out, and of course it will sometime, that we will be friends to each other. I wonder if that’s possible. I feel that it is. Time will tell. I’m very intense about MM, but he is much more relaxed. To me, this feels like a love-of-my-life situation. But he keeps coaching me to cool it, to think about it as a friendship-with-sex. So that one day, it can just mellow out into a special friendship. Not knowing your story, and what you have agreed with H, I wonder if that’s a possibility for you and your MM? To be close friends? Who knows. But anyway, I hope you find some comfort here on this board, because I know it’s hard to find anyplace else.

Hugs!

barefoot