Update on my situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Update on my situation
5
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 10:24am
Okay, just a refresher first. I've been in this mostly emotional EMA since May. MM is a difficult male in that he can only handle so much intimacy before he has to pull back. From August to about three weeks ago, we kept things pretty low key. Just flirted and that was it, but three weeks ago something kicked in and he started heating things up. Last week we were throwing around the idea of meeting, although I think we both knew we wouldn't go through with it. On Thursday morning, he called me from home and we had basically one-sided phone sex. I did not initiate this -- he called with the intention of doing just that. That was the last good thing I had from him before we crashed again. I knew it was coming, but oh well! It's just been so long since we've had a crash THIS big, that it's tough. When we're low-key, I can't get as hurt because I'm not as wrapped up in him, but I let my guard down last week and now I'm paying.

Friday he didn't come see me at all. Not once. I called him in the morning because I thought he was acting weird and he assured me everything was fine...he's just having a bad day. Time to go home came and still no MM. I wanted to at least see him once, so I was dumb and called and left a message that I'd be here a little longer than usual (waiting on my ride) and I wanted him to call me before I left. I said if he didn't call, I'd get the hint and not show up at the gym Saturday. I knew that would get him -- no matter how things are going, it drives him crazy if I'm not there to make eyes at him at the gym.

Sure enough, in the very last possible minute he called. He'd been "helping out" his friend with something... Basically, he was in the very place he retreats to when he's avoiding me. I was still waiting on my ride so I asked if I could come by and see him and he said sure. He told me when he's having problems he just figures no one will want to be around him and I told him that wasn't at all true... But I knew that wasn't the issue so I didn't waste too much energy arguing with him. He assured me REPEATEDLY that he wasn't avoiding me; he was just busy. (Heard that one before.) You know, it's exactly like that Men Are From Mars... thing someone posted. He's even said it before. When we've been really intense for a period of time, often he'll start feeling like he's neglecting other areas of his life and he'll take time off from me and be suddenly busy with everything else.

So anyway, at the gym he was all sweet and flirty and waving at me and such. Everything seemed to be back to normal. But for some reason when I woke up this morning I was filled with...something. Not sure what. Determination, maybe? I just didn't want to let him have the power. That drives me crazy. So I decided that this morning when I went to the little meeting we have every morning where I see him, I wasn't going to look at him. Not only that, but I was going to look my absolute best. I took extra pains with my hair and makeup today and I went over there and stood and didn't so much as glance in his direction. I felt SO empowered. I was sure he'd call as soon as I got back to my desk, but he didn't. Still, I'm not calling him today, period. I don't care if it's quitting time and I still haven't seen him. I'm posting it here and I'm sticking to it!!! (I even put a newspaper on top of my phone to cover it up to remind me not to even THINK about it!) I keep reminding myself of so many things -- that I have a loving, happy marriage while his really sucks. That I'm a beautiful woman who could likely have her pick of men if she wanted while he's just not that good-looking. I'm SO much better than him in so many ways, so why should I be sitting by the phone with tears in my eyes? It doesn't make any sense. Anyway, it felt good just posting all this and having someone to talk to about it. I feel so alone during these times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 11:23am
I agree with you! It sounds like you are working to hard for to little. Try to concetrate on the good things in your life. Not all of the bad junk from your A.

Good luck to you. Maybe if you just wrap yourself up in your life, and all othe positive things around you you can see the negitive in your A, and it will not be so hard to let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 12:04pm
Well...I don't know about that. I've tried it many times and I end up getting sucked right back in again. He's an addiction I can't quite kick. Don't know why. All the bad stuff I post here is an effort to convince myself I am better than him and that he shouldn't be able to hurt me, but the truth is he CAN hurt me. My MM is really no worse than anyone else's. I just post all his flaws here, so everyone thinks I'm having an A with a monster. People around here absolutely ADORE him, think he's an angel. I just in general think most any married man who would have an affair isn't a very noble man. I'm having a hard time seeing any of them as heroic, whether their marriages are bad or not. I don't see myself as very noble either. I have gotten to the point where I don't even like the person I've become. I have changed my look recently and I'm liking myself a little more now... I think I'd almost changed myself to look like the type of person who would have an affair. Now my look is a little more girl-next-door.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 1:29pm
i'm right there with you lilah. om has not contacted me for 3 weeks since he moved...well i guess he has if you include the 1 sentence instant messages he's sent me saying he busy. but i've just decided not to worry about it any more. we've been on/off so many times. it also feels like an addiction for me. om is very attractive. but you know..looks don't mean a thing. dh is wonderful to me, complimenting me all the time..esp since our anniversary vacation is in just a few weeks. this silence with om kills me. but he's like that too...can just put me on the back burner because he knows i will be there when he comes around again. i don't even know if he's received the emails i've sent him. i sent him an egreeting just after he left and it still hasn't been opened. but at the same time..i don't want to send him a mean email because if he's sick or something like that..and truly not able to contact me i'll feel bad. this happened once before..3 years ago and i had to apologize big time. but still...how am i supposed to know?

it's good to feel empowering..lucky that you are able to do that..dressing up..so he thinks you are through with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 1:52pm
Yes, I am lucky to be able to see him every day even when he's trying for NC. He calls me anyway, so I guess that wouldn't count as NC. He called me a little while ago and specifically mentioned that I didn't look at him this morning. I told him I normally don't look at him because all the others are looking. (I usually do at least glance over once.) He commented on how nice I looked today and said I seem down. Through the course of our conversation, he said something to the effect that he was worthless because he can't seem to make people happy no matter how he tries. I told him he has, in the past, made me very happy at times. He said, "But not now?" I said, no, we're just somewhere around the middle right now. Anyway, I ended up telling him I have him figured out -- that he's scared. He never likes it when I say that, so the excuses have begun. THIS time it's that he's afraid his wife is starting to suspect something. She hasn't said a word, but he just has a feeling. Whatever. So what am I supposed to do about that? I still don't think that has anything to do with it -- I think he's just feeling really scared because things got so intense last week. I guess all I can do is give him time and space to work things out. My question is, why is it that no matter what my intentions, the conversations with him always end up going back toward discussing our relationship? I fully intended to be aloof and fun and not talk about this stuff and it still ended up going there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 12:11am
lilah,

do you ever feel like he turns things around to you? like if you question his actions..he sometimes turns it around to blame you for how he is acting?