Update to my situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2012
Update to my situation
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 4:36pm

Hi everyone.  I came here a month or so ago.  If anyone remembers, I am the girl who hooked up with the rocker type guy, but got dissed by him at the end of the night.  I am in a relationship with a guy I have been with for 15 years, but for some reason, I am more obsessed with the new guy (is he officially an AP now that I've hooked up with him twice, or still just a guy since I'm not sure if he's that into me) than I am with any guilt or shame (I kind of feel like I have my reasons for cheating, so the guilt hasn't been an issue). My original thread was "Regret but not the for reasons I expected."  I tried to bump it up but couldn't.  

Anyway, I have an update.  I saw him again this weekend.  After I noticed that he and the other girl weren't friends on social media anymore, he posted something asking people to send their phone numbers to him cause he lost his phone. So I sent him a message, assuming he wouldn't write back, but he did and we were in touch back and forth for a while.  I went back down to the town he lives in over the weekend. He contacted me a few days in advance to invite me to this event he was organizing (a music thing; he's a musician) and asked if I would spend the night that night. So we met up, and I spent the night again. When we woke up, we hung out all morning. He was going through his cds and playing all these different songs for me that he'd written and recorded with different bands. Showing off or trying to connect?  He took me to breakfast.  Both during the cab ride home that night and at breakfast he kept mentioning the fact that I'd left last time in the middle of the night and seemed embarrassed about his place. Sincere or manipulative?  I mean, we spent 6 hours the next morning together, but is that just what he likes to do with his conquests, as a player, or is that sincere interest in me?  I know I should be thinking about how this will effect my primary relationship, but I just keep thinking about him, and where things can go from here if anywhere. 

Also, I had a "he's not that into moment last night."  I was going to try not to contact him right away, but I saw him on FB chat (and he is very rarely on chat, and in the past, when he has been, it has been to talk to me).  I thanked him for the great weekend, and he sent a pretty enthusiastic and engage message back."  Then I said, "I feel like I owe you breakfast" and he just said "No."  I waited for more, but there was nothing.  So I finally just said OK with a smiley, and then there was still nothing, even though he was on and off the rest of the night.  

Right now, I am just trying to come to terms with, this guy is erratic, might have substance abuse problems, so he might just not be capable of really being into a girl right now.  I am trying to put whatever cap I can on my own emotions and enjoy what I can out of it.  I know I emotions can't really been controlled, but I feel like an experience like this is worth all of the risks (to my emotions and my partnership), and that I can survive any heartbreak that may, likely will, come.  But I don't know, and it is hard not to hope for more, even though I have no idea what that "more" is when I don't plan on leaving my boyfriend. 

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 10:18am

Welcome back! 

Erratic...explains my AP to a tee!  And 6 years later, still an AP.  At this point it is a PA, since the sex is amazing, but the EA end is nonexistent this time.  We are personally better off that way.  It's easier for us...well, maybe easier for him, since I have to manage my emotions, but I have no complaints today.  lol  Are you sure your not seeing my AP, although he is not a musician, lol.  But he is a "player" and it's hard to see what is sincere and what is manipulative.  You are still in the early stages, so it is even more difficult to decipher.  I really don't have any big advice right now, except that it is up to you whether or not you want to continue with this.  You can either ask him how he feels, or you can feel around in the dark and play it by ear.  But I am here for support if needed.

Most of us are not thinking about the ramifications on our relationships.  It is like an addiction.  We are just looking to the next time we see AP.  So, you are not alone in that regard.  I had a D day, and I still see AP when I can.  Wanting "more" is normal, and I struggle with that constantly.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.  I hope it all works out for you.


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