update on my situation need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
update on my situation need help
9
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 4:40pm
Well I wrote him, and he did write back . And hes doubting things. Never said guilt tho ,but doubting if he can do this or not. Hes not liking himself much i guess needs time? So is this guy done or not? DO theycome around ? or do they become the faithful husband again? Im so confused. any advice .. feel free . Im need whatever u can tell me !thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 6:46pm
Just a Mess ,


doubting things means guilt .....ok so he didn't use the word itself .Remember most guys don't know how to express themselves . I am pretty sure he isn't just a player ....... if he was he wouldn't answer your email . he wouldn't care , right ?


Do they become faithful husbands ?? well they may try for awhile .....but if things will stay at home the way they were when you guys first met .....sooner or later they will come around . After all how long will they go with no sex , or anything else that was missing in his M that made him begin an A in the first place .


Will things change at home ?? very small chance . For things to change both will have to go to serious counseling . Both sides have to really want the M to work .Both will have to make serious behavior changes ....well people don't really change .

Will he come back to you when things don't change ?? ............well that all depends if he doesn't find someone else . My MM was having an A with this one lady . He was feeling guilty so he was taking a break .............then he met me and other lady was history .

I know he isn't lying to me about that because he told me about the other A he had . He didn't have to tell me about it . I would have never known about it . But I told him the most important thing I expect from a friendship no matter what type of friendship it is ....... is honesty . So he was honest .

How did his email exactly end ? If he made it clear that he wants NC , that he needs time to think or see how he feels . Then you have no choice but to respect that . .......yes I know it is very hard .

Send him last email , "I understand you need your space to figure things out .When you do , you know where to find me ."


now during NC it will be hard on you so , every time you feel the need to email him or call him during the NC .write out an email what you are feeling , but don't send it . It isn't the perfect solution but it does help a bit .

I forgot are you married or single ? other ? Have kids ? your age ? (If you don't mind sharing this info about yourself )

Hope this helps a bit . you are not alone I am right now in the same situation like you . So it isn't just you !!

But you really can't force someone to be with you if they don't want you . And if they want you I am sure they will know to contact you .

Life does go on and what seems like the end of the world now , may seem silly later ;-)

hugs ViperDiva

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:50am
Viper, I just want to say that was really awesome advice!! kudos, girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 10:32am
Hi Mess, just to lend some moral support to you, I went thru 8 weeks NC this past fall. I think MM was feeling a little guilty, after all he IS a decent guy and every now and then I think they do feel a little guilty about what they are doing.

But like Viperdiva says, are things really going to change in his home situation? The answer is usually no. For my MM, I tried to give him the time to think things over and just hoped everyday that I would see him again. If its meant to be, YOU will.

I eventually did hear back from him again. And his reason for NC was busy at work, he was ill also, family stuff too and thought he needed a "break".

I guess you just have to "go with the flow". Hopefully you will see him again. And like Viper says, write yourself all the emails you want, but DO NOT SEND.

If anything, just a little "hi, just thinking about you, hope you're okay" would be acceptable. This I did.

Anyways, good luck to you honey and stay strong, you WILL make it thru this !! We've all been there (well most of us anyways)!! Take care,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:26pm


"And his reason for NC was busy at work, he was ill also, family stuff to"

How interesting those are the exact same excuses my MM gives to me when no contact .

But that is what it just is , AN EXCUSE .

When someone wants something real bad , they find the time no matter what . I know he isn't at work 24/7 , and he isn't with family 24/7 .and even when he was sick he went to work . Doesn't really take much to even send an email saying ...........busy , but thinking of you ! I am sure that would make any of us happy if he can't call to chat . right ? ;-)


"and thought he needed a "break". "

Now that is a different story . But it is like they are scared to say it . Maybe they worry that during that break they will find out we are gone.

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:14pm
Thanks for your compliment!

It has been 6 days ( seems forever ) since NC from MM even though he said he would call to finish conversation .

I knew he wasn't really going to call back because he doesn't want to continue our conversation . He just doesn't like to talk about things . He prefers to hold it inside and not let it out . No wonder he is confused and doesn't know what to do . he doesn't share and open up . I find when you do open up and share it helps to find the answers . Well his way as the way of many men is just to put it off , hoping it will go away on it's own ..............but it doesn't .

Most men are the "avoidant" type . He even admitted to me that he does need to learn to open up . That I gave him many chances to feel very comfortable to do so .........it is just hard for him to talk about things . Well maybe someday he will learn .

Anyways in the mean time I have written 3 long emails ......NO did not send them .

I keep rereading them , and I am glad I didn't send them .

But there will be one email I will send after about 2 weeks if I don't hear from MM.

It will be a thought provoking email . some things for him to think about and make some decisions ........because I can't go on like this .

Although I have a very busy weekend , full of activities and social parties to attend , deep inside I am not that excited to go and I still miss MM . This is no fun at all .

Last night I was at a party , I did have fun .......... but of course I had a few drinks ( apple martini's ) during the party MM didn't cross my mind but I know that is the alcohol that makes me forget and makes me feel in a good mood . There were no guys there to take my mind off MM . Well actually there were hot guys there but they are gay . ;-)

So of course when I got home , started to miss MM all over again .

So I wrote an email , felt better , didn't send and went to bed .

Hope this helps you too . Hugs ViperDive

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 9:53am
Thanks again Ladies.. I feel somewhat better after reading these posts.. Viperdiva your awesome! I hope ur right.. I was thinking doubt was guilt ,but he swore that he was ready i asked a million times!!! ..he presued me! lol.. I get it now after reading what u wrote.. I did e mail him after he e mailed me.. he ended it with .."i have a lot going on with me right now hope u understand..".. whats that mean?!?!?!?

I wrote and told him i though that we were at least friends and that I am here and will be here when hes ready to talk .. he knows how to find me.. so Im hoping... I want to write him every day but I wont .. i am going to do what u suggested tho just to make me feel better .. great suggestion! a little about me.. im married , 3 teen agers, I work full time at the moment..life at homes not unberable , but boring.. I try to keep busy but i do have alot of time to think when im at work and what do i think about?!?! yep MM... im still so sad , but I do feel better thanks sooooo very much !! JAM
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:49am
Jam ,

Your welcome ! Glad I can help .

" .."i have a lot going on with me right now hope u understand..".. " - I read that as I need to take a break for now ,hope you understand . Or he isn't man enough to tell you flat out it is over ..............of course only time will tell if it is over or not .

Like my MM's ex A . I don't think he told her to her face "I have someone else, so we are over" . I think he slowly just tried to "fade away" .

I would always joke with him , well no wonder you don't have time 2 A's a kid and a wife ....he would always swear to me that the other A is over . I am sure it is because when I say things to him like I am ending things or I totally give him the option just say we are over not a problem for me he says .... NO NO I don't want this to end .

But I need to figure things out . So I know for sure he just wants a break .............of course during that break things can happen . As they can happen to me. You just have to wait and see . In the mean time try to make the most of things .

I am single , no kids to care for , Just work so I have WAY to much time on my hands. LOL LOL But you on the other hand , well looks like you got your hands full with work , home kids . Just worry about that for now . I know your sad , I am sad too . But nothing to do . No one said life was going to be perfect .

Just because he pursued you and swore he was ready , doesn't mean that after the fact guilt feelings won't come up .

My MM also started things because he thought it was just sex ......then as time went by his emotions started to get involved . That is when guilt feelings arouse . He was trying to keep it , just sex , I guess he couldn't . I think only if a guy is a jerk he can keep it at just sex . It is very natural if you are a good and kind person some type of feelings will happen when you start getting close to someone .

I can imagine how hard it is for him to lay and bed next to W and think about me . Our R is easier for me , I lay in a bed alone at night no guilt feelings on my end . No one I have to look in the eyes . I always wondered if he isn't a jerk , how does he face his wife after a hot passionate time with me . Now I see , it is hard , he can't .

So there comes the break .............but when nothing will change at home and his frustrations that pushed him into an A to begin with , that is when he will come back .

Only time will tell .

You said your M is not unbearable , but boring . Do you mind explaining why and what do you mean by that ?? Maybe I can give you some suggestions to spice up your M . I have helped a few friends with that .

Hugs , ViperDiva

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:05am
Thanks again viperdiva for making me feel a little better. I do just love your replys, you seem to put things in perspective :) I figured thats what that last line meant.. I havent e mailed him since thursday when he wrote me.. I want to bad but im not, I will give him some time to chill, then before this is all said and done I am going to write him an e mail and tell him my personal feelings on this before its forever over..I think its only fair? He had feelings about that nite, and well so do i and I think he needs to hear my side of it, but Ill give it a week or so before I do that.. Maybe hell contcact me before that, maybe not. I just feel like theres part of me missing every day . We spoke so much 2-3 times a week at the least, now I sit here like im waiting for him to get online and I know he wont, its just such a weird feeling. I do know myself tho and for me to really close this chapter I do need to speak to him one more time to get this all out, so i hope some day he will be ready to do that.. As for my marriage,yes its boring same crap different day, I been married for 13 years..very very long if u ask me ..My husband and i used to get along great, but as time went on he got moody and miserable and i got more intune with me and we just grew apart.. My life revolved around my kids, even tho they are teens it still does, and he really has no life.. hes got one friend he pals around with and when hes home hes just so damn boring to be around.. Hes no comunnicative, we do do something together and he always has this chip on his shoulder, so i just leave him alone.. He just bothers me. Every now and then we have good moments , but they are far and few between. I think I have just grown to dislike the person hes become and i dont think anything will change that.. So thats my story ! again thanks so much.. JAM
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 12:50am
Yes I agree . I think you have a right to say how you feel . And if it is over it does help to give closure . But I do say try to wait as long as you can . When a guy feels pressured it may make him run .


I do know how weird it feels to talk to someone often , then all of a sudden not . It hurts and it is sad and it sucks !! Especially because when you do talk it feels so good ,it feels so right . It puts you in a good mood . You feel like things are so perfect what is the problem ??. What hurts to talk and what hurts to meet once in awhile.

But the problem is he is married . you are married and although it feels good it isn't really right . So one side steps back to figure things out , to see how they feel . Continue contact will only make you two closer . It won't help change things at home .

How long can you go on living a lie ??


I was once married and I also had an A on my husband ............BUT I knew my M was over .I wanted out of my M , not because of the OM but because my ex abused me physically and mentally . I begged for D . He wouldn't give it ( it was in a different country where laws are a bit different . You don't just file for D , both sides have to agree to D or you never get a D ) Anyways , I thought if I cheated on him , let him find out , he would let me go . That didn't work either . Later other things I did finally got him to agree to D .

Anyway my point is I couldn't live with my ex and live a lie .

I am a firm believer if your not happy at home , and you tried to fix things but it doesn't work , then you need to get out .

No matter kids , money or whatever . there is no reason to stay in a situation that your not happy with .

If your spouse can't be your soul mate , best friend and lover and you have to lie to them you really have no business being with that person in the first place .

I do believe in the being faithful to the person your with . if you can't be faithful then something is wrong . when something is wrong it needs to be fixed .

I do appreciate my MM for saying . I can't be in another R , until I end the R I am in .

But will he truly do something about the situation he is in . ? or will he just go through the motions of life because he doesn't want conflict . because of the kid or because it is cheaper to keep her .

So during this cool off period he needs his time to think . To reconsider his feelings , which of course maybe hearing , "baby I miss you so much" prevents him from making the right decisions because here is someone who is giving him something that he is lacking in his life right now. It can be confusing . living with feelings of guilt isn't fun either.


About your home life . I can see where two people grow apart . especially if they married very young . Or maybe something happened in one's life to make them change their way of thinking. But of course the key to any R is communication . I think you do need to sit your H down and talk. Figure out why is it he has this chip on his shoulder .?? What is going on ? Why is he moody and miserable ? leaving him alone isn't going to change anything . Is that how you want to live ? After awhile your teens will grow up and leave the house . then what ? You guys need to try to get back into a more loving , giving , caring and understanding R ..........and if you can't , then you should end the M so both of you can move on to be happier . Why live in a lie ? Why live unhappy??

There is a seminar that can help to bring back the love to a M .

On Oprah last week they had couples talk about it .

( check out this link - http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200303/tows_past_20030328.jhtml )


I also know couples who went to a seminar and it helped the M a lot . I even went to the seminar with a friend just to see what goes on and it was amazing to see what can happen over a weekend with couples . couples who had so much anger towards each other . So much miscommunication , after 3 days of this seminar they are all "Lovey Dovey" .

Later at home did it last ? well with some yes and now they are happy with their M . No more lies , no more A's .

And some went home and fell right back to where they were before they took the seminar . Then they knew . There is no hope for this M and best to D .

The seminar I took you can find at http://www.sourcetantra.com

Sorry for getting a bit side tracked on what this board is all about .Hope you guys don't mind . but it is just advise to maybe help people so they won't have to be in a A in the first place .


I am single , yes guilty of seeing a guy who is M . But I am not lying to anyone . I am not cheating on anyone . He is . If it isn't with me , it will be with someone else .Even though I meet with MM , I don't encourage him that our R is ok . I do remind him he needs fix his M or get out of M .....maybe that is what finally pushed him to feel guilty and need a break to figure it out . I would not be ok with being the OW for years and years . I would probably with time be in love with my MM and that will make things worst . For all of us . So better to figure things out now , then to hurt so much more later .

All the best , hugs , ViperDiva

xoxo ViperDiva