Update / need help... my family knows!

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Update / need help... my family knows!
3
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 12:53am
I haven't been posting much at all lately, but I have been lurking. Here's my udpate.

Quick history..been with MM 1 year (today!) and he said he'd leave 20 year marriage for me. changed his mind. We are still together. Wife knows about me (obviously).

So.........MM has met my family (parents, siblings) but they thought he was on the divorce path. We live in a small area. Family has seen him around with his wife too many times for it to be coincidence. They know. They called to "break the news" to me. Left a message.

Last I posted, MM and I were discussing a trip to Disney. Wife freaked (not our first trip together) and he thought briefly (two hours LOL) we should break up. Needless to say he couldn't do it (and I am glad about that). I did go to Disney myself with my dd. MM, we weren't even in NC mind you, just breaking our normal daily routine........freaks out. Realizes how much he loves me, just freaks out........can't imagine life without me etc. SO.......I get back home. He still says he can't leave, but anything's possible, he's not sure, etc etc. He feels we were meant to be, he loves me as MUCH as his wife, can't imagine life without me, feels we somehow have a future together. I am seperated and am going through divorce but this isn't recent, it's just been a long divorce.

SO................now if I stay with MM they (my familyi) will know I am the OW and I am basically fine with BEING the OW, at least at this point. If I leave him I may look good to them, but I am miserable without MM, and HE looks bad which I don't want either...he has been nothing but truthful to me and I him, and we are just trying to figure out what we want and how things are going to go.

I guess there really is no question here. There is just a cry for support. I thought my family would *die* if they knew, more importanly, I thought they would NEVER FIND OUT. They are actually taking it quite well for now. I don't want to leave my MM. I am not saying we'll be together forever, but we truly do love each other. He has stuck with me through the most trying of times and I him. We both think we met for a reason, we are with each other for a reason. I feel like my family has always thought of me as the "messed up" one. I never intended for them to find out. We are pretty close....I see them once a week or every two weeks. I don't want this to come between us, I really just want them to ignore it. It's my decision, right or wrong. But I know, or I am afraid, they are just thinking all the things I think they are (I am being used, or I am a slut, or I am pathetic, or whatever it IS they are thinking) and I don't want it to come between us. My mother is seperated from my father, and there is a history of affairs there (although I didn't really know it growing up) and so far my mom doesn't seem to be mad at me for being one of "those women".

Is anyone else in a long term A and your parents, family, or siblings "know"? Have they made you feel judged? Have you thought of giving up your MM because of it?

I love MM way too much to try and end this right now. We may be in each other's lives for a very, very long time. I just need a little support here, I feel very alone in this.

Thank you

Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 3:23am
I am trying to understand what the problem really is here. Hmmm, seems like you are in a pretty good shape for an A - caring MM, family that understands atleast most of them and even a good mm's wife (she could have potentially caused more trouble). Maybe you need to read some other posts to make you feel better. Just a thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:18am
Hey, haven't seen ya around for a while...jenny! Just want to say...that although it's tough that your family knows your dirty laundry, they are still family. And most families (MOST NOT ALL)will stick by you, even if/when you are doing things they don't agree with because you are family.

Also if they do disown you, you have to sit down with yourself and ask...do I live my life for them or me. You can't try to please everyone, it's hard enough to try and please youself. So just worry about you, and your dd. That's the most important thing. MM, family they come second.

I know for me, my family knows all my secrets, especially with what happened between me and dh. But they love me regardless, because blood is truly thicker than water. I love them, and they love me, and if you're family really cares about you. They'll support you even if you are doing something they don't particularly like. JMHO

~kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:47am
Queen,

Regardless of how fortunate you think her situation is, and i agree that in many aspects it sounds wonderful, the fact remains that she is facing a potentially life altering confrontation with her family and that has got to be a hard thing to do. How many of us are strong enough to turn our backs on the ones we love, the ones who raised us, the ones who know everything about us, in order to live life as we want? Few. Most of us make compromises somewhere along the line and therefor are NOT living life as fully as we might. She's just looking for some understanding, compassion, perhaps a few stories from those who have walked in her shoes. I'm not sure that being flip and insensitive is especially helpful.

Jenny,

I remember you...our A's have paralleled each other pretty closely, so I've always tried to catch your posts. Good to see you around again. I will agree and say that you *do* sound to have a great thing going with MM and that's wonderful!! And Queen is right that you are fortunate that W isn't making things more difficult than they are. But I know it's hard to brush off either what we THINK our family is thinking or what they actually DO think. Sending strength vibes to you to help you get through it as best you can. And a couple of {{{hugs}}} while I'm at it.

Lucky