Update... No better
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 05-27-2010 - 2:39pm |
Hi Everyone,
Thank you so much for your support an advice from my first post. I wanted to post an update, though, I'm really not in any better state of mind.
So... I've been seeing AP for a month. It turned serious quickly... I love yous were exchanged, he wants a future for us. I can't help but want it too.
But I know I owe my H a chance... a chance to see if we can make it work. He will try, I know he will. But I know his personality will never change... and I think that's what I'm falling in love with with AP.
I am so confused. I have no idea if this issue is from me, or if it really is a symptom of a problem in my marriage. My H is wonderful to me, so kind, so supportive - everything anyone could ask. But I'm afraid it's not enough; my personality demands more, and that's something AP has given me.
So my choice... I devestate a man I truly love and care about for the risk of the unknown... ruin a family, hurt people... or I suck it up, spend my life content but always wondering if it could or should be better.... or I follow my heart. It sickens me to hurt people, hurt my H, who I love... but it's unfair to him to cheat behind his back, isn't it? Or maybe this is my way of figuring out who I am and what I want... or maybe compromise and settling and acceptance is what marriage is?
This is so, so painful....
Thank you in advance for your help, your replies, and your honesty.
Abby
p.s. i'm 28. h is 29. ap is 33.

Pages
Hi Abby
Always really hit on a lot of truths!
The first couple months of the A are always amazing - so intense and passionate, and you can't help but think that there might be a future and that maybe you're with the wrong person. That's certainly what happened to me. Even though my long term b/f is kind, caring, loving, faithful, everything a woman could want, I still got involved in an A and let me tell you, that has almost ruined me.
It's been about 6 months now and we are at a cross road. It was beyond perfect at first -exhilating, I thought about him 24/7 (i still do but now it's torture), we were all over each other, sharing secrets, having sex, everything.
Then suddenly it got too much for him and he pulled back and now we are on this rollercoaster of being together and being apart. It's absolutely unbearable.
Part of me wishes this had never happened. I cry almost every day. But part of me still likes him so much I want this to continue.
It's such a messy situation. I know a lot of us would give you the advice to walk away. It hurts too much. Do you want to cry every day?
At the same time, I know that if someone tells me that, I won't listen.
So here's my advice. Don't let yourself think this is anything more than an affair. The first 6 months is always perfect. You've only been in it for a month. Don't let yourself get carried away with your thoughts of your future or what it all means or how you are meant to be together.
Take it slow; don't let your heart get too invested. Remember to PROTECT yourself. I almost guarantee this affair will hurt.
But who knows? Maybe in time you two will figure out a way to balance things. It's possible. But don't rush in to anything - especially ending your marriage or long term relationship. What you would be ending it for isn't realistic, at least not yet.
Good luck!
Hi Always
I am sorry i havent looked on the boards for the last few days... a fair bit going on!! Thank you for your reply, all so true...
I see you have jumped across to EAS
Life is too Short ... A. since Mar 29th 2009
Thanks so much for your reply, H&Y. And thanks a bunch for your encouragement. I will make it this time because I really am exhausted and just plain done with it. Counting my lucky stars for no dday. WTF was I thinking?? All that risk for a little stroking? Blech.
But I so know and so craved that feeling that only AP can give you, even if it's only temporary and somewhat fictitous. Once you really get your head around the whole dynamic of the A then I think you're in a better position to make the best decision for yourself and your situation. But until then, it's nearly impossible to break away from it.
For me, I just didn't want to be used any more. Because that's what it's really about. Mutual use of one another for our own gratification. Trade offs: sex for attention; "love" for laughter; vulnerability for the chance to escape from our boring/tiring/hectic real lives.
Whether we are being used for sex, escape, ego strokes--whatever--we are (or should be) the ones in control
Lucy,
My heart aches for you. I am familiar with that kind of hurt, too. All I can give you right now is this:
Pages