Update on OM and Pre-Cana

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Update on OM and Pre-Cana
10
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 8:53pm
Well, the Pre-Cana weekend is over, and basically, things are as I expected, and as many of you told me to prepare for.

OM wrote me an e-mail this morning (which I knew he would) basically telling me about his weekend. Now he didn't really want to go in the first place, so I was surprised when I read the contents of the weekend. The general gist of it was as follows (I'll list the major points he made in the e-mail (I would post the e-mail but I deleted it so I wouldn't keep reading it over and over lol)

*the Pre Cana was a positive experience for him and his fiance'; I think his exact words were "I was pleasantly surprised"

*a lot of previously un-discussed "issues" came up that they were forced to talk about (no mention of what these "issues" were)

*they did a lot of arguing

*he feels that the weekend "strengthened" their relationship and that this is a "new start" for him and that he knows they both have "things to work on" in their relationship but that it will make them "stronger than ever"

*wedding plans are now in "full swing from here on out"

*he wants their relationship to be better than ever now that the Pre Cana is over

He ended it by basically saying this was a new beginning for them, and signed it "Have a good one", whatever that means...

OK, so after I choked the bile back down my throat, I managed to write a brief, cordial response back, saying that I am glad he had a good weekend and that the Pre Cana was a positive experience for them. I also wished him the best of luck with everything and said that I wished him nothing but the best as he goes along with the wedding plans. Basically, I was kind of saying OK, so it's over, have a nice life.

Well, imagine my surprise when I got not 1, not 2, not 3 but 5 more e-mails throughout the day involving silly, b.s. type stuff. For example, him telling me what an idiot his student teacher is, asking me how my weekend was and what I did, telling me about some charity event he's going to this upcoming weekend, asking if I was still going to this retirement dinner next week, etc. etc. WTF??? I responded to his e-mails, but was rather brief and tried to stay cordial. He threw in a couple of innuendo-type comments as well, and even asked if our weekly happy hour was on this week.

I am completely confused. Basically, my understanding was that the Pre Cana marked the end of our A, but now he's keeping up this communication like nothing ever happened. As hard as it is, I really want to go back to the quick, funny banter we used to have, but I am afraid.

Any thoughts/suggestions/opinions on what the heck is going on, and what the heck I should do about it.

Oh, and when I got home tonight, there was an e-mail from him on my home account as well. Nothing special, just a joke forward with a quick note saying he thought I would enjoy this joke.

Thanks for listening!

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:25pm
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I'm having a hard time with this one.

First of all, I think it is very inconsiderate of him to email you saying "how this is new beginning" for him and fiance. It's unfair to you. It's hurtful.

Second of all, I don't think he should be getting married at all. How in the hell could a person even consider entering into the sacrament of marriage when the are already lying and being deceptful to the person that they are going to vow to stay faithful to.

Thirdly, to continue sending you email as though everything should stay exactly as it was before this weekend and "his new start" and to even ask if you are still meeting this week, is a sign to me that he expects you to be there whenever he beckons, and then, I'm sure he'll probably keep you posted on all of the wedding plans as they transpire "full swing".

You deserve better than this. I'm sorry, but in my opinion this guy is the ultimate "player". I know for a fact, that I sure as heck wouldn't want to be marrying him.

Most everyone on this board has done something that they are not proud of. For myself, it was cheating on my husband of almost 16 years. However, if I had even one thought of betraying his trust, or had feelings for someone else, or even an emotional tie to someone else, before walking down the aisle, I would have turned around and walked the other way.

He is not being fair to you, or to her. And really, do you want to be involved with a man that has no qualms about attending, what I assume is, a very religious weekend, with his fiance, only to turn around the next day and ask if you are still going to meet with him this week?

Again, I apologize if I offend you in anyway. I'm just looking out for you and I definitely feel your confusion and pain.

(((((((circe)))))))))

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:43pm
Thanks Red for responding. No, you did not offend me, I do not offend easily. :)

I guess I know deep down that everything you wrote is true, it's just accepting it that's hard. Yes, it definitely hurt for him to send me that e-mail, and no, I definitely do *not* want to hear about his wedding plans, as selfish as that may sound.

The outing this week is a weekly group happy hour, not just him and me, but still, do I really want to see him now at all?

I guess what hurts the most is that I wish I could stay friends with this person. I wish I could be as close with him as I have been.

And like you, I had no intentions of cheating when I got married. Heck, I had no intentions of cheating up until a few months ago. So I know what you mean there. I really don't know why he is marrying this girl at all when he has already been unfaithful to her.

I'm just confused. The whole idea of the A is confusing in the first place, and now this. I still don't know what course of action to take. I would like to think we can talk and be friends, but I don't know if that is possible now.

Anyway, thanks again, Red, for your response. It really gave me a wake-up call about some things.

Thanks again :)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 12:02am


You go Red! Those were my thoughts exactly. All weekend I struggled with whether or not to post without offending, but I was asking myself why would this guy get married if he is unhappy enough in his relationship prior to marriage. Good grief things get a whole lot more complicated once your married.

Don't be his doormat, stand up and tell him what you feel. I personally wouldn't want any contact with this dude for a while until the hurt doesn't sting as much. He is talking out of both sides of his mouth and it isn't fair to you. Good luck

Omawxgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 9:10am
Hi sweetie,

Just my two cents....

Penny number one: You own him. Making nice and assuring him you want him to be happy and have a good life probably drove him *insane*. He was likely expecting a big show, a plea for one last roll in the sack, and some heartfelt begging that he "never forget you." Surprise. He doesn't know what a great support network you have. Besides lots of smart women, there are a few of us guys here working as double agents... it's hardly fair, but we can't be stopped... hehe.


Now the hard part. Penny number two. Here's where I sell my fellow man out.

If you really think after all of this that you respect him enough to continue having an A with him, you can probably make that happen by doing absolutely nothing.

I would cordially reply to his emails in the fewest words possible. Eventually he'll have to write a direct question to soothe his battered ego. He'll have to write and ask why you aren't playing along any more, or why things have changed, or some other typically male crap designed to get you to say "It's so hard to be without you, I just can't pretend." He'll be looking for that ego boost. As men we are pretty predictable.

Your call. Give it to him or don't. Make him crawl, because he will likely do just that. You have the chance to take the hammer in this R if you want to.

The longer you hold out, the better you may feel until you decide you don't want him back at all. Or he might evaluate things, decide he isn't really happy and the buzz of the retreat weekend didn't last. BTW, that retreat buzz is just that: temporary. You can use that energy to fix a relationship, but if the people involved don't really jump on it and make their changes, nothing really happens. Same with therapy. Right after therapy my W is really in an amazingly enlightened place... but check back 2 days later... same old ice queen.

Wait. I have another cent.

Circe, you seem like a really bright and interesting person. I have no idea what you appear as physically but I doubt it matters. Just from the kindness and attentiveness you've shown to me in your posts to me, I would guess you have no trouble getting and holding the attention and affection of people you meet. You deserve much better than this guy is giving you. If you just want a sexual A from him, I'm betting you can get that pretty easily despite his Pre Cana experience... but if you ever entertain more, give yourself the respect you deserve and find someone with a little more strength in his convictions that to send you five "fishing" emails following up his declaration of intent to marry someone else.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 5:10pm
(((Raining))) You're the best!!! Well, I think the hardest part of all of this is over. I think by preparing for the worst over the weekend, I actually don't feel half bad right now. I have decided to walk away from the A with this guy. Not because I don't still want to be with him and be close with him, not because I'm not attracted to him and don't still want the physical part, but because I think it's the right thing to do for all involved.

He did e-mail me several times today, nothing major, just chit-chat and the occassional innuendo. I replied cordially, didn't acknowledge the innuendos at all, and told him I wouldn't be attending our weekly group happy hour but didn't give a reason. Basically, I am taking a few steps back and trying to distance myself a bit from him to get some perspective. After I left work today I saw a voice mail message on my cell phone. Guess who? OM telling me about something that happened at work and asking me to call him later to "tell the rest of the story". I'm not calling him. E-mails are one thing, but I'm not ready to call him yet.

I want to see if there's even a chance of salvaging our friendship by completely taking the physical aspect out of the equation. What's hardest about this is that we were such close friends. We told each other pretty much everything, and got along so well. We have the same sense of humor and have so much in common. I guess in a way our friendship is kind of like an emotional A, but it's the part that I miss the most.

But, I feel like I can be strong, and not give him that "ego boost" you referred to. If, in time, it seems like we can salvage the friendship, I will try to go back to our normal conversations (sans innuendos). If he does try to restart the A, I will just have to be the stronger one to remind him of his choice for a "new beginning" and maybe even throw a comment or two his way about how horrible it is that he's hitting on me while planning a wedding to someone else.

If it weren't for this board, I'd be a mess! I know that most of my strength through this has come from the support from everyone here and knowing that I am not alone. Thanks so much, and Rain, thanks for knowing exactly what to say and how to say it. You're a very special guy, and I thank you for the time that you put into this board helping everyone with their situations.

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 6:47pm
Pre-cana? WTF is that?? Some ancient Hawaiian horticultural practice that sugar farmers use? Oh they have issues alright - his are: his affair partner is more attractive, more intelligent, more understanding and a better friend than his future wife. Gee, do you think he can easily resolve that?

I’m sorry to see you get dragged over the coals like this, but didn’t this guy try to break things off about 86 times before this? This is how I see it. Say it ends now (which I doubt it will unless you end it) he will get married, six months later he will realize what a huge mistake he made. He will come running to you. You will be having a weak moment and end up sleeping together and things will be right back where they are now.

I guess you have to ask yourself what is it that you want? I know, it’s to have him all the time to yourself, just like I do with MW. Unfortunately that’s not happening right now. However, you are in the driver’s seat on this one. If you want it to continue, it will. The friendship only thing? That may be real tough to try and keep it at just that, especially the way he confides in you. If you are going to make that work, you're going to have to be a guy to him and nothing more. That is, you can talk about home improvement, cars and football. Hang in there, it ain’t over till it’s over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 7:07pm
Lost - you have me cracking up over here with that Pre-Cana comment! LOL

Anyway, I think you have hit many nails on the head here. Yes, OM has tried to break things off several times before, but always initiated it again shortly after the break. To be honest, this time I wasn't nearly upset as I was the first time. I guess I expected it this time and wasn't surprised at all.

And I wouldn't be surprised if even if things cooled off for a while he came back after they were married, but that's just a hunch I have. For now, I feel empowered and strong enough to stay away, and hopefully that resolve will continue. I actually think that having limited contact is *helping* me with this. The more I don't talk to him/see him, the less I want to resume the A. And it's only been about a week. So I will have to see if this trend continues.

Trust me, I would like nothing more than to stay friends with OM. He makes me laugh, I can tell him anything, and he is really pretty special to me. But, I see what you mean with the "being a guy" thing. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) we are in a fantasy football league together. That is usually good, safe conversation, but being that it's the "off-season" right now, there's not much to talk about there. lol I don't know much about home improvement or cars, but then again, I don't know if he does either. Anyway, I guess the only way to see if we can truly be just friends, and if there is enough there to continue a friends-only relationship is to try.

For now, I'm just keeping my distance. I'm finding that with distance comes a certain amount of clarity. And clarity is nice for a change.

Thank you so much, Lost for your time and comments. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement.

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:11am
You know, doesn't it suck when you finally meet someone that you're really attracted to, have about 1.25E+06 things in common with, meets/exceeds all the criteria on your *list*, and are just really great friends with but they are not your spouse? Sometimes I just want to scream because everything just seems so right about this. I can only imagine what you're going through with on-again, off-again OM. You have admirable integrity to keep your composure after receiving such a note from OM. I think I would have a stroke if I was on the receiving end of such news. You can try talking to him now about Correy Dillon and Ty Law's escapades but it's going to be real tough not to drift to the personal stuff. I was thinking about that Pre Cana Hitler Youth Camp experience. Actually, I probably should have went to such an endevour. After about four hours there they would have told me: "Buddy, run from her as fast as you can - now!!"

Time, distance and shielding not only works for minimizing radiation exposure but it also works in relationships too. Maybe that's what's best for you right now since it is allowing you to keep clear judgement on the situation. On the other hand, if you want your A to continue at or above the current level, put on a nice short, black skirt and go and tell him that it's either status quo or see you later. We'll see how his "issues" get worked out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:19am
OMG, lost, you are cracking me up too!! you and rain are totally right on about this cakeman! his future marriage is doomed from its very start, pre-cana high or not. and circe, you will be doomed to repeat all mistakes in this arena if you give OM another try with that short black skirt lost mentioned!

run quickly in the other direction girl and don't look back..... and please, you cannot be friends with someone who wants to have sex with you!! believe me when i say, there is no "going back" ever!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:43am
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Edited 4/24/2004 3:58 pm ET ET by julietsfate